So each year we go on a family holiday, which I’m meant to have a good time on; but I don’t. Last year was three weeks in Thailand, and it wasn’t too good, I spent the majority of time in bed in pain and not being bothered to do anything. My parents were a little annoyed to say the least. My parents own a house in Florida so this year we have come here, two weeks here then 5 days in the Caribbean then just over a week back in Florida. So far I have spent the majority of time in bed. I just can’t be bothered to do anything and don’t even have the desire to do anything. My depression has gone down hill again and I’m feeling very miserable, hence why I don’t want to do anything, that and the pain combined.
To be honest I just want to go home, not that I even know where home is now a days. But I will settle for going back to England where I’m not expected to go out and do stuff and have an excuse to do nothing. Compared to on holiday where my parents want to go out and do things. I think my parents are getting a bit annoyed with me, my mum came into my room today and said ‘I can’t believe you’re wasting your holiday in bed.’ So yeah I think they’re a bit annoyed.
But it’s not like I can help it. I can’t control the pain and I can’t control my depression. It’s not that I don’t appreciate them taking me on holiday, I do. But I just never have a good time, well not in the past few years anyway.
It doesn’t take long for chronic pain/illness to effect your relationships with others. Pain changes you and every aspect of your life. Friends seem to disappear because they don’t know how to handle you being sick they don’t know what to say or do to help you. When really all they have to do is genuinely be there for you. Nothing they can say or do can take the pain away, but they can help by just being there. However they don’t seem to get this so instead a lot of the time they just disappear. Which in turn makes you think that they don’t care, because that is how they are acting.
Over the years I have been in chronic pain I have lost many friends due to this, and it’s been quite upsetting. I’ve had one close friend tell me that I am pretending and another saying I have no right to be depressed because other people have it worse, which both infuriated me. My original group of friends ditched me shortly after it all started, I guess they were fed up with the girl in pain who was depressed. I was then on my own without any friends for over a year until I finally managed to make some new friends in my new year at school (I got moved down a year). These friends were a lot better they accepted me and we genuinely interested in what was going on with me and if I was okay. Two of my closest friends even visited me in hospital after I had attempted to kill myself. It was sometimes hard though because I just felt so different from them because I am in pain and they are ‘normal’. When I dropped out of school it became much harder, I no longer even had going to school in common with them. When I managed to go out with them on the weekends I felt so disconnected from them and would always leave early because I couldn’t stand how being around ‘normal’ healthy people made me feel. It made me feel even more alone and disconnected.
I then moved back to England mid April because of my health. Since then pretty much only two of my friends have been talking to me. I sent out a message to my friends explaining why I left; because I had only told a few people where I was going and why I wasn’t coming back. I got replies off a couple of the guys saying they hoped I was okay, which was nice and I appreciated it. But two people who I considered my closest friends didn’t even bother replying, which really upset and affected me.
Getting sick really shows you who your true friends are, turns out I only have like two.
So my new pain meds don’t actually work or help in any way shape or form. So now I just have to suffer, so no change there really. Just another disappointment.
I’m feeling worse again. I’m meant to be on a family holiday having a good time, but I feel so miserable. And I know things are only going to get progressively worse from here. Especially with going back to England mid August, then my sister going back to Dubai shortly after, practically all my friends are off to uni and I’m not. This is a big thing for me, everyone is going off to uni and I’m not, I don’t have any A levels to even apply to uni, not that I could anyway. I couldn’t even cope with school let alone uni. And it just makes me feel like such a failure. I’m told not to dwell on it and look at the things I have achieved whilst being in chronic pain. But how can I not dwell on it, it’s yet another thing I can’t do cause of my illness, other thing that has been taken away from me. I know I could go back to school when I’m older and go to uni eventually, but realistically am I ever going to get well enough to, most probably not. I don’t see a future for myself where I am not in pain. And that’s really the problem, I don’t see the point in living if all I’m ever going to be is in pain. So many things have been ripped away from me because of my pain.
It’s been a while now since I’ve had regular therapy and I think it’s taking it’s toll. But I’m on holiday for another 3 weeks so there really isn’t anything I can do about it till I get back to England. And then I have to start over with a new psychiatric nurse because I ditched my old one, which is a hassle having to explain everything to someone new who doesn’t really understand.
At the minute all I want to do is cut. It’s the only thing that helps, no pain = happy me. I know it’s a bad coping mechanism and all that but really a scar is a small price to pay for the few minutes of pain relief that I get. I’m hanging in there but I know eventually I will always break and relapse, I always do.
So I’ve been neglecting my blog. Mainly because I moved house last week and didn’t have internet so I couldn’t do anything. Now I’m in holiday in Florida so I’ve been relatively busy.
My holiday was going okay, until I got hit with a massive cold yesterday and can now not breathe out of my nose. It’s made my head really bad over the past few days. And then I’m left to the decision on whether or not to take some extra pain meds (triptans because that is all my neuro will give me) Previously they helped and knocked the pain down a couple of notches when it was really bad. But after a while they stopped working. I’ve tried several different types of Triptans but had the same result. After waiting 3 weeks for my neuro to write to my GP so she could prescribe me some I finally got some, called frovatriptan. I’m to try these and if they don’t work I try the next type and then the next type. I’m not holding out much hope of them actually helping cause of past experience with several other types. I wish they would but I just don’t want to be disappointed again like I usually am.
Then I fight the battle of whether or not to take one, I can take up to 2 a week or 10 in a month; so that I don’t get a rebound headache. I took one on the flight over to America and it didn’t really do much, so now this week I can only take one more. And it’s a hard decision to make, do I take one now and risk later in the week the pain being worse and I won’t be able to take one. So I never really know, do I suffer now or later, that is the question. To make things worse my head has been awful since I got a cold so I kind of just have to suffer.
I feel really mean. I’ve been seeing a psychiatric nurse for the past couple of months. Originally it was every day for a month and then I got moved onto the longer term program. Where I see my care coordinator who is a psychiatric nurse once every two weeks. And it’s not that I don’t like the guy, he’s nice. But I just don’t feel that he is the right person for me to see. So on Friday when I saw my new psychiatrist I asked for someone different. But today I had to see my psychiatric nurse for the last time. Thankfully he hasn’t yet found out that I’ve ditched him. But I feel really bad about it, can’t shake this mean feeling I have. And I know that I shouldn’t have to feel this way because it’s a professional relationship and that he is probably use to it and doesn’t take it to heart. But still I feel mean. He wanted to make another appointment for next week but I said I was moving house so probably wouldn’t have the time. I could have probably found the time but by then he will have found out that I’ve asked for someone else. And then I go on holiday for a month so made an appointment with him for when I get back. Knowing full well the appointment will be canceled when he finds out, but I wasn’t going to be the one to tell him that.