Another disappointment.

So my new pain meds don’t actually work or help in any way shape or form. So now I just have to suffer, so no change there really. Just another disappointment.

I’m feeling worse again. I’m meant to be on a family holiday having a good time, but I feel so miserable. And I know things are only going to get progressively worse from here. Especially with going back to England mid August, then my sister going back to Dubai shortly after, practically all my friends are off to uni and I’m not. This is a big thing for me, everyone is going off to uni and I’m not, I don’t have any A levels to even apply to uni, not that I could anyway. I couldn’t even cope with school let alone uni. And it just makes me feel like such a failure. I’m told not to dwell on it and look at the things I have achieved whilst being in chronic pain. But how can I not dwell on it, it’s yet another thing I can’t do cause of my illness, other thing that has been taken away from me. I know I could go back to school when I’m older and go to uni eventually, but realistically am I ever going to get well enough to, most probably not. I don’t see a future for myself where I am not in pain. And that’s really the problem, I don’t see the point in living if all I’m ever going to be is in pain. So many things have been ripped away from me because of my pain. 

It’s been a while now since I’ve had regular therapy and I think it’s taking it’s toll. But I’m on holiday for another 3 weeks so there really isn’t anything I can do about it till I get back to England. And then I have to start over with a new psychiatric nurse because I ditched my old one, which is a hassle having to explain everything to someone new who doesn’t really understand. 

At the minute all I want to do is cut. It’s the only thing that helps, no pain = happy me. I know it’s a bad coping mechanism and all that but really a scar is a small price to pay for the few minutes of pain relief that I get. I’m hanging in there but I know eventually I will always break and relapse, I always do.  

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