Isolation.

One of the ways I know that I’m starting to get bad again (even more depressed) is that I start to isolate myself. And I know it’s not good but I can’t help it.

I’ve started to isolate myself again. I haven’t spoken to anyone other than my family and one close friend who has chronic illness in a week. I just don’t feel like speaking to anyone really. I just feel like being alone. This doesn’t help the lonely feeling that comes with chronic pain/illness.

All my friends are moving on with their lives, they’re going off to uni soon, will be making new friends etc. And I just feel stuck, like I’m in limbo. So yes I’m a bit jealous they get to do all that, whereas I’ve had that taken away from me. I want so badly to be normal, to not have health issues that stop me from doing the things I want to do. So at the minute I just don’t feel like talking to anyone.

I can feel myself slipping deeper and deeper into my depression every day now. And part of me just wants to let it happen. Part of me wants help, and I’ve been trying to get help. I have an appointment on Thursday with a new psychologist. Hopefully that will be okay and will help me.

Particularly bad day and Tae kwon-do.

Woke up this morning and my pain level was already high. Usually the mornings is where I have my lowest pain levels. But quite often I will wake up and the pain is already really bad. Spent the majority of my day in bed, attempting to distract myself from the pain with tv shows to take my mind off of it. Hasn’t really worked to be honest. 

I plan to take a Triptan later and then go to Tae kwon-do. Hopefully the Triptan will knock my pain levels down a few notches so that I am able to participate in Tae kwon-do. However the other day when I took one, it knocked it down a bit for a couple of hours, but then it came back with a vengeance. But hopefully today it will knock it down long enough for me to be able to do Tae kwon-do. Even if it does come back worse later, at least I will have been able to do it. 

I love Tae kwon-do, I’ve been a black belt since 2007 and I refuse to let it be taken away from me because of my illness. Thankfully Tae kwon-do doesn’t make my pain worse, but it doesn’t make it better either. So I do it out of pure enjoyment. It also helps me release a fair bit of my anger towards life and everything. So that’s good. 

My illness took away my job of becoming a Tae kwon-do instructor in Dubai because I had to move back to England. But it won’t take away my ability to participate in the sport. 

Got my hopes up for nothing.

So I got new pain meds today, another type of Triptans. My pain levels were quite high this afternoon, so I took one. Knocked the pain down a few levels. So I was happy, and pleased that they actually did something for once. 

Two hours later my pain levels have risen to higher than it was this afternoon before I took a Triptan. 

Yet again another disappointment, knew I shouldn’t have got my hopes up. Nothing ever helps. 

I have one more type of Triptan left to try till I have tried them all. So probably going to have to go back to my neurologist and ask for something better. Can’t keep going on like this and suffering the way I have to when the pain gets bad cause nothing helps. 

Angry, pissed off, upset and in pain.

Good and bad news.

So good and bad news today. Lets start with the bad and get that out of the way. 

So, I met my new psychiatric nurse today, didn’t really like or click with him. He wants to put me on an emotional coping skills course. But he can’t guarantee me a place on it, they accept 20 people and he is going to talk to his colleagues about getting me on it. So basically if I can’t get a place on it then what am I meant to do. My new psychiatric nurse is rubbish and I don’t feel able to talk to him and tell him stuff. So that’s not going to work out. He said after the emotional coping skills course I can be considered for DBT therapy. But there is a waiting list and he can’t guarantee I will be accepted for it. The system seems pretty stupid to me.

So I have decided to go down a different route.

I got in contact with a place half an hour away from where I live that have a psychologist that specialises in chronic pain. It’s private and from my experience with them through emails I am already impressed with how helpful they have been. So I have made an appointment to see the psychologist there who specialises in chronic pain next Thursday. Hopefully it will go well.  

Off to London tomorrow to see my neurosurgeon.

Tomorrow I’m off to London to see my neurosurgeon to further discuss occipital nerve stimulation surgery. Got a fair few questions to ask. But I’m probably going to have to wait quite a long time to get this surgery done. There’s another 6ish months to go before I can see my neurologist on the NHS for the first time, previously been seeing him privately. Then there is the wait for funding which could take up to a year to get. And then after funding has been confirmed, there is a 6 month waiting list for the actual surgery. So the whole process is going to take a couple of years. Which is annoying because I really need this surgery, it’s the only thing left that I have to try, my last hope. And has quite promising results for a lot of people. 

Afterwards I’m meeting up with my psychologist from Dubai which will be nice to see her again and I’m quite looking forward to it. Will be weird seeing her outside of Dubai and her office. 

Annoyed.

So there is several reasons why I am annoyed at the minute. 

I saw my GP today to discuss some things, new pain meds etc which was fine and I have to pick up my new triptans next week once they are in. Though I am not holding out much hope they will work as none of the others I have previously tried have helped. I then asked if there was any alternative for mental health care other than the team I am under at the minute. Which is like you have a care coordinator who is a psychiatric nurse who comes to see you every week/couple of weeks. My first one was useless, so I asked for a different one. After speaking to him on the phone last week I had already kind of decided that I wasn’t going to like him. A friend of ours has also warned us about the place that I am under and them being practically useless. I decided I would wait and refrain judgement until after I had met the guy. We had a meeting set for 1pm today. He never turned up. I rang the place several times they didn’t know what was going on either. At half 3 I got a call back from him being like ‘Sorry, I forgot’. Now I have to wait till next Wednesday to meet him. Not best pleased at all. 

And I don’t really know what to do, because I’m pretty sure it’s not going to work out with this guy. And there practically is no other option. So will probably end up having to go private. Also been offered by a friend of friends to join her WRAP (Wellness Recovery Action Plan) Class. Not sure if I am going to take it yet though. 

Just don’t know what to do, and I’m so annoyed. 

My struggle with self harm.

In April 2010 I started self harming, I don’t remember exactly how it started or what exactly triggered me to pick up the razor for the first time. Except for my quest for relief of my headache. And it worked, for the few minutes whilst I was cutting my head didn’t hurt. The pain wasn’t there, the relief was overwhelming. So I continued to cut; it was the only thing that stopped the pain. I never wanted to stop.

Since then over the past 3 and a bit years I have really struggled with self harm. I’ve gotten clean a few times, but I always end up going back to it, as it’s the only relief I have ever gotten for my headache. Scientifically cutting releases endorphin’s, the body’s natural pain killer.

I struggle every day, I see a knife or a razor and my immediate thought is taking that said device and cut myself with it. I have hundreds of scars on my left arm and wrist, more recent scars on my right wrist and scars on my thigh. At the minute I’m really struggling, the pain is bad and all I want to do is cut to take the pain away and give me some relief for a few brief minutes.

I know it’s bad; but to me a scar is a small price to pay for some relief from my pain.