The future.

I find it hard to think of the future. Even though I worry about it all the time. In a week it will have been 3 years and 7 months of my headache, which is a long time if you think about it. Thinking of the future is hard for me because when I think of it all I see is more pain and misery. It’s been over 3 and a half years with no relief from my pain at all. And there is nothing stopping it from continuing for many more years to come. I could quite likely be in pain for the rest of my life and that doesn’t sound fun. So I struggle each day to find even a point to living if I’m always going to be in pain. What’s the point, it’s not like I have a bright future ahead of me if all it’s going to consist of is pain and the misery that comes with the pain. 

At the minute I’m not well enough to go to uni or even get a job. So what the hell am I meant to do with my life instead of sitting in bed doing nothing; which is what my life mostly consists of. Will I ever be well enough to go to uni, realistically probably not. I know this is the part where I’m meant to say suck it up and try anyway, but I just don’t see the point if I’m always going to be in pain. This isn’t a life, and there is nothing I can do about it cause I can’t stop or control the pain. 

So the future scares me, I’m scared that I may probably be in pain forever. What am I meant to do with my life, I’m not well enough for uni, I wouldn’t be able to handle a job so what am I meant to do, live off my parents forever?! I really don’t know and it scares the shit out of me. 

I look at all these people posting on online support groups on facebook about stuff to do with their pain, medications and doctors. Some of these people have had their pain for 10+ years and that could very likely ending up being me as well. And that scares me.

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2 thoughts on “The future.

  1. I get scared of my future sometimes to just like you do. My philosophy now is screw fear. You don’t have to take it for your own and I am not telling you too. I am not that conceded . But if there is anyone who know what you are going through, it is I. I know what is like to wake up in pain. I know what it’s like to have your life put on hold and then wonder if it’s permeant. My heart is with you. That is all I can say. I know it doesn’t mean much, but it’s what I wish someone would say to me whether (genuinely mind you) they were going through pain or not. I am sorry too.

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