Everyone is moving on with their life, but me. All my friends are off to uni in September and I’m not. I should have gone to uni a year ago, but because of my health issues I had to repeat year 12. My original group of friends have just completed their first year at uni. But cause I had to repeat year 12 I got moved down a year. Eventually I made new friends and now they are all off to uni.
I dropped out of school in October shortly after my suicide attempt. Whilst at school in managed to complete my GCSE’s with good grades and one A level in Physical Education at a C grade. But that’s all I could do. After starting my 3rd attempt at year 12 it was decided I was better off dropping out. I just couldn’t cope with school. As much as I wanted to it just wasn’t happening. I was very upset about having to drop out, felt like it was another thing my illness has taken away from me.
I eventually started training under my taekwondo instructor to become a taekwondo instructor for kids. This suited me well, it was 5 days a week for 2 hours every afternoon. Which was good, it wasn’t too much and I could just about cope with it, on most days. I was also enjoying it, and was getting paid when I took classes on my own if my instructor couldn’t make it or went away.
But then my depression took another turn for the worst and I had to move back to England, so I could no longer work. I was very upset about moving back, Dubai is my home and I didn’t want to leave.
Now everyone is moving on, but me. They are all off to uni or starting work, and I’m stuck in England doing nothing because that’s all I can do. I can’t go to uni, I don’t have any qualifications and wouldn’t be able to cope with it anyway. I can’t work because of the pain, so what am I meant to do. It’s like I’m stuck in limbo land. And it makes me feel sad, all the things I’m missing out on because of my pain. No one seems to get how I’m feeling about the whole situation. They say I need to focus on all that I have achieved and not to compare myself to other ‘normal’ people because I’m not being fair to myself. And yes they have a point but that doesn’t make it any better. They say I can go back to school when I’m feeling better, but realistically am I ever going to get better, I doubt it. And even if I did go back when I’m older I’ve still had this experience of uni at the correct age taken away from me.
I just don’t know what to do with myself. And thinking about the fact that everyone is moving on and I’m not makes me even more miserable.