My struggle with self harm.

In April 2010 I started self harming, I don’t remember exactly how it started or what exactly triggered me to pick up the razor for the first time. Except for my quest for relief of my headache. And it worked, for the few minutes whilst I was cutting my head didn’t hurt. The pain wasn’t there, the relief was overwhelming. So I continued to cut; it was the only thing that stopped the pain. I never wanted to stop.

Since then over the past 3 and a bit years I have really struggled with self harm. I’ve gotten clean a few times, but I always end up going back to it, as it’s the only relief I have ever gotten for my headache. Scientifically cutting releases endorphin’s, the body’s natural pain killer.

I struggle every day, I see a knife or a razor and my immediate thought is taking that said device and cut myself with it. I have hundreds of scars on my left arm and wrist, more recent scars on my right wrist and scars on my thigh. At the minute I’m really struggling, the pain is bad and all I want to do is cut to take the pain away and give me some relief for a few brief minutes.

I know it’s bad; but to me a scar is a small price to pay for some relief from my pain.

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7 thoughts on “My struggle with self harm.

  1. Exercise has been a great relief for me and the headache I deal with. I started running again and have completed 2 full marathons and 3 half-marathons. The pain is still there everyday but the running has given me life again.

    • Wow that’s amazing! I can’t really run, I have POTS and get tired really easily. I do however do taekwondo have done since I was 8, do it several times a week, keeps me fit and doesn’t tire me as much as running does. However it does nothing for my pain.

  2. It takes a lot of practice and really didn’t even believe it would help, but my therapists’ kept insisting that I do it. It’s meditating. I’ve been practicing for quite some time now, but recently started reaping the rewards of this magical practice. It really does work once you get the hang of it. I now look forward to doing it every day. I’ve dabbled with self harm, myself, and you’re right it does temporarily, while you’re doing whatever method you choose, take the other pain away. I now find meditating works much better and lasts even after you stop, for awhile. I’m told if I keep it up that it can actually one day lessen my pain. Hang in there.

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