Today I’m feeling really miserable and depressed, more so than usual. I don’t feel like doing anything or seeing anyone. So I’m just going to stay in bed, which isn’t much of a change because that’s what I do most days.
And I want to cut so badly, to feel the cool slice of a blade across my skin and the pain relief it gives me. I know I’m going to relapse at some point, I’ve been clean for 5 months. But I always end up going back to it, it’s like a drug. An addictive drug and I’m addicted to it, it’s the only thing that helps. I just want to cut so badly to make myself feel better. I know I’m going to relapse at some point, I always do, it’s just a matter of when I give in.
Also was having serious second thoughts about taking on this job. And have decided not to take it on. I really don’t feel like it at the minute, so I rang up the people and told them that I didn’t think I was well enough right now to take on the job. Feel a bit better now that I have said that. Just don’t think I’m ready to take on even a small job at the minute.