Before and after.

I use to be the happiest person, nothing phased me I had no issues I was genuinely a happy person.

I had good friends. I got good GCSE grades and would have hopefully gone on to complete my A levels. I would then have gone onto university, to probably study sports science and physical education. I wanted to be a PE teacher…

…But all that changed on 14th Jan 2010. 

Despite my chronic pain I did manage to complete my GCSE’s and did get pretty good grades. But A levels were another story. In year 12 I started with 4 subjects, quickly dropping to 3. Then started not turning up to one of my subjects and failing another, managed to get a good grade for PE a subject I am/was quite good at. I then got moved down a year to repeat 2 year 12 subjects at AS level, and continued with PE to A2. Was failing my two AS levels again so only took my A2 PE exam and got a C. Then decided to resit year 12 for the 3rd time doing 2 subjects. But it was clear I was failing them also, I couldn’t concentrate and had zero motivation. So eventually it was decided it would be best if I dropped out. It wasn’t what I wanted, I didn’t want my illness and pain to take away school from me but it did. It was decided I would drop out until my pain levels were under control and I could concentrate again. Which wasn’t going to be any time soon so I dropped out for good. 

Since being sick I have wanted to help people. Either to become a school counselor because my school counselor has inspired me and I want to be able to help someone as much as she has helped me. Or some sort of psychologist working with people with chronic pain and illness. I know what it’s like to live with so I hope one day to be able to help someone in the way that I need help.

But it doesn’t even look like that will ever happen at the minute. I have next to no qualifications to get me in to uni. And I couldn’t cope with school let alone going to uni. 

So I’m kind of stuck. One half of me wants to start taking online courses on psychology and counselling. The other half can’t be bothered and doesn’t want to do anything. I don’t know what it would be like doing qualifications at home or whether I would even be able to cope with that or whether it would just be a complete waste of time and money. 

Everyone always says I can go back into education when I’m better/older. But will I ever be better, will I ever be well enough. Probably not. And even if I was, I’ve still missed out on a huge section of life, and going to uni at the usual age and the lifestyle that comes with that. 

At the minute I’m not well enough for education, I’m not well enough to get a job. So what am I meant to do. Most of the time I just stay in bed. 

Thinking about the past and what could have been if I hadn’t got sick kind of upsets me. My life has gone down a completely different path. A path that shouldn’t of happened, but it did. 


11 thoughts on “Before and after.

  1. I have no idea about your situation and I can’t really say, “I’ve been there,” because I’m not in your shoes right now. I was, however, bedridden my senior year of high school and decided to graduate early. I lost a lot of my friends that I never gained back, and I had to put off going to college, which I felt I would never actually end up doing. I did though! And here I am, my senior year of university. Was it hard? The hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. Do I still struggle? I’m struggling today. But it was all because I found the right doctor(s), medicine, and had faith in myself. I’m not chastising you or anything, I’m just trying to say nothing is impossible if that is your dream and what you aim to do! I still have days where I wake up and think, “I can’t do this,” but it has to be for something, right? So I stretch my feet to the ground and make it through another day, somehow. I hope you have a good day, take care of yourself.

  2. I know what you are going through. I had to quit uni before I even started because my mental illness got in the way. I still am not close to ffinishing my studies and it saddens me. It is OK to feel the way you do. I would feel the same way. I spend most of my days in my room as I am unable to do much of anything. I can no longer walk long distances so have to be careful on where I do walk as itwill ccause my pain to be up.

  3. I completely understand, as I deal with chronic pain every day. There seems to be no end. I also spend most of my time in my bed because that’s all I can do, except go to all my appointments. What a life. You are still young, so please try not to give up. I know it’s sad and very frustrating. We have 2 choices, to keep fighting or to lay down and quit. Today I feel like quitting. The emotions are all over the place with chronic illnesses. Maybe tomorrow I will feel like continuing to fight this never ending battle. It’s a lot of work and sometimes I wonder, for what? Stay strong, try to be positive, and just do the best you can. Remember one day at a time. Don’t worry about tomorrow. Live for and deal with today only. No one is guaranteed a tomorrow, even people that aren’t sick.:) I know it’s not easy.

  4. Dear Sian,

    I am not sure if I’m the right person to say things but I feel that I have to say something. My ex husband was a very successful musician before he was severely injured in a car accident. He was a very active and athletic person and after the accident he couldn’t even sit in front of the piano. He couldn’t sleep because of the pain and the pain felt worse when he’s awake. He struggled with pain every single minute. Life would never be the same for him, and for us. His career went downhill from there. He struggled with depression and was suicidal for some time. It was never easy. We didn’t have the support system we needed. It’s still surprised me that we survived. He is doing well now and still creating music.

    I am saying that you are not alone. When things got rough just hang in there, okay? Sending you lots of love. I hope you are feeling better by now. Take care.


  5. You used the word “Despite”, that is pretty powerful. Despite all the bad things that were happening you did something and it was a success. That says something. It shows resilience.

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