I use to be the happiest person, nothing phased me I had no issues I was genuinely a happy person.
I had good friends. I got good GCSE grades and would have hopefully gone on to complete my A levels. I would then have gone onto university, to probably study sports science and physical education. I wanted to be a PE teacher…
…But all that changed on 14th Jan 2010.
Despite my chronic pain I did manage to complete my GCSE’s and did get pretty good grades. But A levels were another story. In year 12 I started with 4 subjects, quickly dropping to 3. Then started not turning up to one of my subjects and failing another, managed to get a good grade for PE a subject I am/was quite good at. I then got moved down a year to repeat 2 year 12 subjects at AS level, and continued with PE to A2. Was failing my two AS levels again so only took my A2 PE exam and got a C. Then decided to resit year 12 for the 3rd time doing 2 subjects. But it was clear I was failing them also, I couldn’t concentrate and had zero motivation. So eventually it was decided it would be best if I dropped out. It wasn’t what I wanted, I didn’t want my illness and pain to take away school from me but it did. It was decided I would drop out until my pain levels were under control and I could concentrate again. Which wasn’t going to be any time soon so I dropped out for good.
Since being sick I have wanted to help people. Either to become a school counselor because my school counselor has inspired me and I want to be able to help someone as much as she has helped me. Or some sort of psychologist working with people with chronic pain and illness. I know what it’s like to live with so I hope one day to be able to help someone in the way that I need help.
But it doesn’t even look like that will ever happen at the minute. I have next to no qualifications to get me in to uni. And I couldn’t cope with school let alone going to uni.
So I’m kind of stuck. One half of me wants to start taking online courses on psychology and counselling. The other half can’t be bothered and doesn’t want to do anything. I don’t know what it would be like doing qualifications at home or whether I would even be able to cope with that or whether it would just be a complete waste of time and money.
Everyone always says I can go back into education when I’m better/older. But will I ever be better, will I ever be well enough. Probably not. And even if I was, I’ve still missed out on a huge section of life, and going to uni at the usual age and the lifestyle that comes with that.
At the minute I’m not well enough for education, I’m not well enough to get a job. So what am I meant to do. Most of the time I just stay in bed.
Thinking about the past and what could have been if I hadn’t got sick kind of upsets me. My life has gone down a completely different path. A path that shouldn’t of happened, but it did.