Awards.

I feel very honored to have been nominated for several awards this week, first the liebster award twice, and also the I am part of the wordpress family award and the versatile blogger award from JOYNPAIN2. It means a lot to me to be nominated for these awards. I never set out on my blog to get awards, and certainly didn’t expect any. I blog for myself and in a hope to help other struggling with the same sort of things I struggle with.

Unfortunately I will not be able to accept my two latest awards form JOYNPAIN2 as I am in far to much pain to be able to write a big blog post about it. This blog post in itself has taken a lot out of me. I hope you guys understand as fellow pain sufferers as to why I am unable to respond to these awards properly. But I am very thankful to have been nominated for them and it means a lot to me. 

I wish you all a low pain day! 

Doctors appointment.

So I went to see my GP yesterday to discuss getting something for the pain. We had a long chat and I told her that I don’t think that I will survive the wait till surgery if I don’t get something for the pain. She asked me what I was asking for, and I replied with, something for the pain when it’s at it’s worst. Which I think is a very reasonable request. 

First we are going to try a triptan nasal spray in the hope that getting a triptan into my system quicker than the pill form might help. She said her main goal was to get me some relief in whatever way is possible. She is open to trying opiates if that is what I end up needing to get me some relief from the pain. Though she did say that she can’t go against what my neuro says but if I have evidence from other medical professionals that they think I should be on something stronger for the pain, then she can do something about it. She is very nice and understanding. She also said that if there is anyway she can help speed up the process of getting surgery she would write a letter to whoever needed one. I doubt there is any way she can help speed things up but it was a nice offer. 

So I’m happy to try this nasal spray first before we talk about anything stronger. Overall I am pleased with how the appointment went. 

The Liebster award.

So I’ve been nominated for the Libster award… twice, once by Michael Fernandez , Check out his blog! And once by IgniteTruth1 Check out his blog also. I am truly honored that these guys think my bog is worth recognition especially as I am quite new to the blogging community. I write for myself and also in the hope that I can help people out by sharing my experiences with chronic pain/illness.

 Info About the “Liebster Award”

The Liebster Award, or “the favorite blog award”, is an internet-based award that is given to bloggers by other bloggers. In Germany, the word “liebster” has the same meaning as “favorite, beloved, or dearest.” This award is primarily given to blogs that have less than 200 followers. That way, it helps the blogger with being more known to the world as well as giving the blogger the opportunity to learn about more amazing bloggers.

For those I’ve nominated just like Ignitetruth1 and Michael has done, here is a guide on accepting your award. 

So here are the questions I was asked

Since I was nominated twice I have two sets of ten questions to answer, 
From Michael here are my ten questions:

1. What motivated you to start writing? I’ve been an avid blog reader since shortly after I got sick, would read other peoples blogs on chronic pain and illness to make myself feel less alone and more normal. I then decided to make a Tumblr, which was mainly me posting images of things that related to my life, it took me quite a while before I actually started writing a blog, I started with Tumblr, used that for a while, then in June this year I decided to make a proper wordpress blog instead of my Tumblr one. What motivated me to become a blogger was my illness, and it made me feel a bit better emotionally being able to write things down and get things off my chest. 

2. Did you begin writing with your blog or just to yourself to begin? I’ve kept a sort of diary for quite a number of years now, so I began with that and then progressed to writing a blog for others to read also. 

3. How have your readers helped you? My readers have helped my just by me knowing I’m not alone in this, and by them sending me well wishes and prayers which mean a lot to me. 

4. If you could write for any magazine which would it be or would you start from scratch? I have no clue, I don’t really read any magazines. 

5. Are you working on writing any books, if so what about? No I’m not but that’s a good thought. 

6. What was your most popular article you thought might be a flop? I don’t think I have one, my article with the most comments on it is ‘Was just told I’m lucky’. But I didn’t write it concerned that it would be a flop though. 

7. Who do you admire in today’s world? Jamie Tworkowski, the founder of To Write Love On Her Arms, which is an American non profit organisation spreading awareness of mental health, self harm and addiction recovery.

8. How do you pick topics for your articles? I wouldn’t say I pick topics, I kind of just write what comes to my mind on that specific day be it an update on how I am, or a specific topic that’s on my mind at that present moment. so really depends on my day and what’s been happening as to what I write. 

9. Have you ever pre-written a series of articles and released it on a timed basis on purpose, if so why? Sometimes if I have a lot on my mind about several specific topics I will pre write an article and then publish it further down the line, depends if I have already written a post that day and want to leave my next post to another day. 

10. Do you ever consider writing for pay and quitting blogging, is the feedback rewarding enough for you? Never considered it to be honest.

Here are my 10 questions from IgniteTruth1
Some I have already answered above so I will only include the questions that I haven’t already answered. 

1. What motivated you to start writing? See above

2. Are you working on writing any books, if so what about? See above

3. If you could travel to any place in the world, where would it be and why? I’d like to travel to every state in America, I’ve been to a couple, Florida and New York, but I’d like to do an every state road trip, I just think that every state in America is so different and it would be amazing to visit all of them. 

4. If you could write for any magazine which would it be or would you start from scratch? See above

5. When life is rough what do you do to find some peace in the storm? Most of the time I stay in bed and watch stuff on my laptop lots of TV shows and movies, helps to distract myself. I’m also a black belt in Taekwondo, so I go to that a lot, well as much as I am able to, helps me deal with my anger and gets all of my frustrations out. 

6. Who would you most like to meet, past or present? I’m going to be a fan girl for this one, I’m a big blink-182 fan so I’d like to meet either Mark Hoppus or Tom Delonge, that would be amazing. 

7. Who do you admire in today’s world? I don’t think I admire any particular person, but I suppose I admire anyone suffering from chronic pain/illness and all we have to go through. 

8. If you could change one thing in the world, other than world peace and hunger, what would it be? The way people perceive people suffering from chronic pain/illness. 

9. Sunsets or sunrises and why? Oh I don’t know actually.

10. Were you ever told that you could not achieve a certain goal and did it anyway? Don’t think so. 

Now that I have answered all those questions, here are my list of 10 nominees for the award:

Jackie Davie 

Midnight Demon 

EDS info

Walking through pain

Fighting Fibromyalgia

No One Gets Flowers For Chronic Pain

Devo Mom

Chronic A Day In The Life

Chronic Rants

Notes From The Fog

For my 10 nominees here are your 10 questions:

1. What motivated you to start writing a blog?
2. What’s your favourite book?
3. What’s your favourite month of the year and why?
4. Who do you admire in today’s world? 
5. Were you ever told that you could not achieve a certain goal and did it anyway?
6. What’s a future goal you would like to achieve? 
7. Who do you hope to be an inspiration to?
8. Other than blogging what are your other hobbies?
9. If you could travel anywhere where would you go?
10. What’s your favourite meal?

Well that sums up the award from me, will notify all my nominees, feel free to decline if you want to. Hope you all have a lovely low pain day! 

Back in England update.

So I got back to England on Tuesday, it’s actually quite nice to be back, which is weird. Been to Tae Kwon-do a couple of times which was good. And today I went to my group therapy course type thing, which was okay, I missed last weeks cause I was away but I didn’t really miss much. I never have to courage to speak when I’m there so I kind of just sit there quietly listening to what the people running it and other people there have to say. Maybe one day I will have the courage to actually say something in a session. 

Also spoke to my new care coordinator/psychiatric nurse. It’s a woman this time, and she sounds quite nice, so hopefully she is and this time I will be able to talk to her, because the previous two guys I had were rubbish and I didn’t feel able to talk to them. So hopefully it will be different this time. 

I have a doctors appointment with my GP on Tuesday, going to ask/beg her to give me something for the pain because my neuro won’t and I’m desperate for some relief. Plus if there is nothing more my neuro can do for me but wait for surgery which is at least a 2 year wait, well honestly I don’t think I will survive the wait i I don’t get something for the pain. I just hope she understands and gives me something, I suppose if she won’t then I will have to go to a pain management specialist, and hope they understand and give me something for the pain. Quite nervous about my appointment with her to be honest, scared she won’t give me anything. 

Didn’t see my psychologist this week as she couldn’t make my appointment, so seeing her next Thursday. Have quite a bit of homework to do for her still. She sent me some mindfullness and deep breathing recordings which I haven’t listened to yet so I need to do that. 

As for how I’m feeling, I’m feeling pretty rubbish to be honest. The pain has been awful which has a huge impact on my mood. But generally I feel miserable all the time, just even more miserable when the pain is really bad. I’m trying to hang in there but it’s hard when everything seems so bleak. 

Back to England soon.

Two days left in Dubai. Unfortunately I haven’t been able to enjoy my trip much as the pain has been awful the entire two weeks I’ve been here. But it has been nice to spend some time with my family. 

Now I’m actually looking forward to getting back to England. Get to see my beautiful dog and get to go back to Tae Kwon-do. Which is a big part of my life. Also actually looking forward to getting back to therapy, even my group therapy course. 

Going to go to the doctors and see my GP and literally beg her to give me something for the pain, I don’t know how much longer I can hold on with the pain being this bad. But there is part of me that thinks I should wait until I have tried the last preventative medication which I start on Sunday for 3 months. Part of me thinks I should wait till I have tried that before I start asking for better pain killers. But the pain has been so bad and I’m desperate for some relief, so the other part of me just wants to go ahead and ask for something. My neurologist won’t give me anything better than triptans I know that for a fact. So I have to go almost behind his back to my GP to get something and hope that she will give me something for the pain. I suppose if she won’t my next step will be a pain management specialist, I know that they will give me something, it’s their job to treat pain.

So if anyone has any advice about what they think I should do, it is welcomed!  

Been having a tough time with the pain.

Have been having a really tough time with the pain since I’ve been in Dubai. Not sure if it’s related to being here, well I very much doubt it pretty sure it’s just a flare up. 

But the pain has really bad practically everyday last week and everyday this week so far. And I just don’t know what to do. Well there is nothing I can do to help ease the pain because literally nothing helps it. 

I just want to slip into a coma, that would be nice, no pain then. 

I was planning on going to see my neurologist when I get back to England, to see if he can give me anything for the pain better than triptans. But I spoke to a very nice woman today who sees the same neuro I do. And she said that he most likely wouldn’t give me anything better than triptans. And that I should go to my GP and ask for something. So that’s what I’m going to do, I’m desperate for some relief, I just can’t cope like this for much longer. 

 

It’s been a year since my overdose…

It’s now been a year since I tried to kill myself with a rather large dose of antidepressants. 

This has hit me quite hard, it’s been a year yet I am no further ahead in ever getting better or living a pain free life. I’m still in as much pain as I was back then. Literally nothing has changed and it’s hard because it doesn’t feel like I will ever get better or live a pain free life. 

What’s the point? If I’m never going to be pain free, is there a point in living? All my life ever consists of is pain and the misery that comes with the pain. 

I so desperately want to live a pain free life, a normal life and be a normal healthy person do normal things and be able to study again. But I’m not normal and healthy and I will probably never be again. And that’s hard to accept. It shouldn’t have to be this way, I shouldn’t have to live like this. No one should. It’s so unfair that so many of us have to suffer like this for no reason. 

Hope is a hard thing to hold onto and to be honest I don’t have much of it. I wish I would get better but I no longer have hope. All I feel is hopeless and especially helpless. Some people say that having hope is the most important thing to hold onto when your chronically ill or in pain, but every time I hope I just get disappointed and that to me is worse than having hope in the first place.