It’s now been a year since I tried to kill myself with a rather large dose of antidepressants.
This has hit me quite hard, it’s been a year yet I am no further ahead in ever getting better or living a pain free life. I’m still in as much pain as I was back then. Literally nothing has changed and it’s hard because it doesn’t feel like I will ever get better or live a pain free life.
What’s the point? If I’m never going to be pain free, is there a point in living? All my life ever consists of is pain and the misery that comes with the pain.
I so desperately want to live a pain free life, a normal life and be a normal healthy person do normal things and be able to study again. But I’m not normal and healthy and I will probably never be again. And that’s hard to accept. It shouldn’t have to be this way, I shouldn’t have to live like this. No one should. It’s so unfair that so many of us have to suffer like this for no reason.
Hope is a hard thing to hold onto and to be honest I don’t have much of it. I wish I would get better but I no longer have hope. All I feel is hopeless and especially helpless. Some people say that having hope is the most important thing to hold onto when your chronically ill or in pain, but every time I hope I just get disappointed and that to me is worse than having hope in the first place.