It’s been a year since my overdose…

It’s now been a year since I tried to kill myself with a rather large dose of antidepressants. 

This has hit me quite hard, it’s been a year yet I am no further ahead in ever getting better or living a pain free life. I’m still in as much pain as I was back then. Literally nothing has changed and it’s hard because it doesn’t feel like I will ever get better or live a pain free life. 

What’s the point? If I’m never going to be pain free, is there a point in living? All my life ever consists of is pain and the misery that comes with the pain. 

I so desperately want to live a pain free life, a normal life and be a normal healthy person do normal things and be able to study again. But I’m not normal and healthy and I will probably never be again. And that’s hard to accept. It shouldn’t have to be this way, I shouldn’t have to live like this. No one should. It’s so unfair that so many of us have to suffer like this for no reason. 

Hope is a hard thing to hold onto and to be honest I don’t have much of it. I wish I would get better but I no longer have hope. All I feel is hopeless and especially helpless. Some people say that having hope is the most important thing to hold onto when your chronically ill or in pain, but every time I hope I just get disappointed and that to me is worse than having hope in the first place. 

 

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6 thoughts on “It’s been a year since my overdose…

  1. I, too, desperately want to live a life that is free from physical pain. I know what it is like to give up hope and also what’s it’s like to get my hopes up and be disappointed again. Saying I am sorry for your pain seems like trying to put a band-aid on it and I know that won’t help. But I am truly sorry you are dealing with so much pain and I agree with you that you shouldn’t have to live that way. I hope you continue to write on your blog, I know mine has had some therapeutic value to me.

  2. Hope is indeed difficult to keep in your heart every day. Believe me, deeply sincerely, I feel for you. In 2011 I attempted suicide 3 times – was HELL bent on dying, and now although my life is not “joy of joys”, I appreciate my son (then 15) found me and saved my life. I affected him, there is no doubt about it, but he saved my life.

    I feel for you very much. As my own mother succeeded in suicide when I was six, just believe me this is a deeply felt subject.

    My wish to you is to find a way – a way to enjoy, have value, in this life you’ve been given. I struggle to this very day, but I have a deep sense there is value & purpose in struggling onward.

    Sincere best to you, N’n.

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