I just relapsed…
When I was in Dubai packing up my room ready for my dad and sister to move I found a packet of razors so me being me brought them back to England with me encase I would need them.
Well tonight after feeling so shit for a few days I finally gave in and cut. I chose to cut on my leg rather than my preferred arms because it’s easier to hide, and maybe I can still get away with doing taekwondo with cuts on my legs rather than arms, for a bit at least.
I’m not sure how I’m feeling about the whole situation. It felt good to feel the cool slice of the blade across my skin, and the relief that gave me. My head doesn’t hurt when I cut which is the main reason I struggle with self harm so much because of the relief it gives me from the pain in my head. I’m not sure whether I should be disappointed in myself, I was nearly 7 months clean, and now I’ve ruined that. But that’s happened so many times before, not always for that long, but I get clean and then I relapse so it was bound to happen sooner or later, it always does.
Now I don’t want to stop, I only did 3 cuts but I want to do more, and I want to cut on my arms/wrists instead of my legs. But then my Mum will find out and I won’t be able to go to taekwondo. I don’t want my Mum to worry about me any more than she already does. So I would prefer to keep this from her as long as possible. She already knows I’m feeling bad again cause she can tell. But she doesn’t know that I relapsed.
I’ve told the relevant people I’m feeling bad again, told my school counselor everything via email and we are going to talk properly on Wednesday. And she got me to email my psychologist and tell her, so I emailed and told her how I was feeling before I relapsed and she emailed back this morning, so now I’ve just got to tell her that I started cutting again. She sent me some numbers and emails to contact if I’m feeling really bad cause she can’t be there for me 24/7 which is understandable.
The pain is bad again so I’m going to try and take one of my new nasal spray triptans and see if that helps any.