I just relapsed.

I just relapsed…

When I was in Dubai packing up my room ready for my dad and sister to move I found a packet of razors so me being me brought them back to England with me encase I would need them.

Well tonight after feeling so shit for a few days I finally gave in and cut. I chose to cut on my leg rather than my preferred arms because it’s easier to hide, and maybe I can still get away with doing taekwondo with cuts on my legs rather than arms, for a bit at least.

I’m not sure how I’m feeling about the whole situation. It felt good to feel the cool slice of the blade across my skin, and the relief that gave me. My head doesn’t hurt when I cut which is the main reason I struggle with self harm so much because of the relief it gives me from the pain in my head. I’m not sure whether I should be disappointed in myself, I was nearly 7 months clean, and now I’ve ruined that. But that’s happened so many times before, not always for that long, but I get clean and then I relapse so it was bound to happen sooner or later, it always does.

Now I don’t want to stop, I only did 3 cuts but I want to do more, and I want to cut on my arms/wrists instead of my legs. But then my Mum will find out and I won’t be able to go to taekwondo. I don’t want my Mum to worry about me any more than she already does. So I would prefer to keep this from her as long as possible. She already knows I’m feeling bad again cause she can tell. But she doesn’t know that I relapsed.

I’ve told the relevant people I’m feeling bad again, told my school counselor everything via email and we are going to talk properly on Wednesday. And she got me to email my psychologist and tell her, so I emailed and told her how I was feeling before I relapsed and she emailed back this morning, so now I’ve just got to tell her that I started cutting again. She sent me some numbers and emails to contact if I’m feeling really bad cause she can’t be there for me 24/7 which is understandable.

The pain is bad again so I’m going to try and take one of my new nasal spray triptans and see if that helps any.

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5 thoughts on “I just relapsed.

  1. As the mother of a 16 year old daughter who has suffered with New Daily Persistent Headaches for 5 years now since she was 11 and in 5th grade, I am well aware of the daily struggles that you are going through. I wish there was a way I could end this pain for the many individuals of all ages that are affected. So many people just don’t know about these headaches or really just can’t understand how one can have a headache 24/7. We are in the US and probably our medical care is somewhat different here than in England. However, I am going to share with you some of what we have learned (mostly the hard way).
    1. I think that your HAs are becoming so strong and unbearable because of the “rebound effect.” We discovered early on that no prescription drug (Rx) or Over the Counter (OTC) medicine gave relief. In fact, the exact opposite – the HAs fought the pain meds and became stronger, always being the victor. We took my daughter off all meds and the only one she takes is Alleve for menstrual cramps during that time of the month. She had gone through the triptans, Botox, DHE, Depakote, Klonipin, Lexapro, etc. etc.
    2. We started with a neurologist specializing in HAs who believes in a natural approach – vitamin supplements. Vitamin D, Fish Oil, Calcium Magnisium with Boron, Vitamin C, Iron, B-12, B-6, Ubiguinol CoQ10.
    3. We saw a chiropractor and acupuncturist without much success but it was worth a try.
    4. The HA neurologist then suggested neuro feedback – we were lucky enough to find a psychologist group in our area that specializes in neuro feedback. THIS HAS BEEN THE MOST HELPFUL THUS FAR!!!! Although it has not cured the HAs or brought the pain down, it has provided coping skills. The HAs do not RULE. I cannot emphasize to you enough how much this has helped our daughter. She has been receiving neuro feedback 2x week now for 3 years. When we miss her appointments for whatever reason, she is quick to say she believes her HA is worst because of missing the appointment. PLEASE CHECK INTO NEURO FEEDBACK. If you cannot find a practitioner in your area, then please try bio feedback.
    5. Our HA neurologist recently put my daughter on a GLUTEN, DAIRY AND NITRATE FREE diet. She hated me and him at first because she felt the HA was taking yet something else from her and something that she loved – eating what she wanted. However, it has now been 4 weeks and we can honestly say we are seeing a difference. She has not missed school for 2 weeks and has been “happy.” With Halloween, she lapsed and ate chocolate candy and her HA and mood changed for the bad.
    6. The HA neurologist has also found a connection with yeast and the HAs — is your tongue white? Do you have vaginal yeast? I was surprised at how much my daughter had in her vagina without any itching symptoms. Also, her tongue was white. We have her on treatment for the yeast and guess what promotes yeast? Gluten! Please mention this to your doctor.
    7. Exercise – my daughter is a competitive springboard diver, having been on a team since age 4 and now on her high school swim and dive team. She almost gave up because of the HAs, especially since school started and she was just too stressed out and exhausted. Her pediatric and HA neurologists, psychologist and pediatrician ALL EMPHASIZED that she must resume her physical activity because the body would use the endorphins produced to naturally fight the pain. PLEASE DO NOT GIVE UP YOUR SPORT!!!
    8. As a mom, I am my daughter’s cheerleader. My whole day is determined by how she wakes up. I love her so much and it hurts me terribly that as a parent I “can’t make it better.” That is what parents are supposed to do, right? Fix it! PLEASE DO NOT SHUT YOUR PARENTS OUT!!!!! This is bigger than you……you need them. They want the best for you. You must stop this destructive behaviour now. I don’t even know you personally, but I know you…….I know what you are dealing with……I live it daily…….I can relate to you because you are so close in age to my daughter. I understand the feeling of “friends” moving on, going to parties, football games, shopping at the mall, hanging out and my daughter simply doesn’t feel like going. Her friends have been supportive, but they are moving on. I see it. She sees it. That is why it is important to stick with your sport where you have the camaraderie of your team and others that share your sport. That is why you need your mother now — do not shut her out. Do not replace her loving support with cutting. You know how this ends.
    I hope you don’t mind my rambling here. You certainly sound like a smart young woman and if you spend you time researching this illness you will find that many others suffer — you are not alone! However, you are responsible for yourself and you must never ever let these HAs take your life away from you. You have to be a fighter.
    There are a couple of sites on FB that I find very helpful regarding foods that you should “like”
    EAT LOCAL GROWN – great articles about foods and how they affect our body and promote illness. There is also a doctor that writes and I think her name is Amy Myers, MD. She has great information too.

    Hang in there – You are bigger than this. You are a powerful woman. Don’t give up on yourself.

    • Thanks Debra. I have tried quite a lot of what you have said with no effect. I exercise a lot I’m a black belt at taekwondo and do that 6 nights a week most of the time. I have always had a hard time talking to my mum, nothing to do with her I just find it really difficult, I don’t want to worry her more than necessary, and I just clamp up when she tries to talk to me about emotional sort of stuff, have always found it really difficult. Thanks again!

  2. I’ve been there. And believe me when I say that life is better without it. I told myself I’d stop after high school, but that was less a goal and more an excuse to keep cutting and put off stopping. I haven’t cut in years. I stopped counting after three. I still want to some times, but I don’t. I still miss it occasionally, but I know I’m better without it. You’ve got to do it for you. For so long, the only reason I stopped was for my parents, friends, and boyfriend. And I always relapsed. I had to stop for me to stop for good.

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