So I just threw away my razors, (I did just have a major cutting session) but after I decided to throw them away in the bin outside so I can’t get them again. It was really hard and I guess I should be proud of myself?!
I relapsed just under two weeks ago now and had been cutting every day since. But cutting came with a price, I can’t go to taekwondo if I’m cutting. I tried to go a couple of days after I relapsed but I was petrified of getting hit and blood on my white suit. Which could easily happen in a contact sport. So I haven’t been since. But I want to go back. So I cut for the last time tonight, it’s going to be hard to control the urges, but I’ve got clean a few times before so I know I can do it again. My theory is if I don’t have the razors then it’s not easy for me to cut. Yes I could find something else to cut with, but I’m a creature of habit, I only really like to cut with razors, so if I don’t have them I can’t cut. You may ask why didn’t I throw them away before now, well because I didn’t want to. In order to be able to stop self harming you have to want to. I had to get to the point where I wanted to stop and now I’m there, so it will be a bit easier, still hard but easier.
In a few days once my arms have healed a bit, and I’m less of a risk of bleeding if I get hit, I can cover them up and go back to taekwondo. It’s going to be a hard few days to get through without cutting, but I’ve coped without doing it before so I can do it again.