I’m really struggling at the minute. After my appointment with my neuro who gave me the ultimate decision of pain meds or surgery, either or but I can’t have both. I can’t even have pain meds to get me through the wait till surgery, not allowed anything other than triptans, which do not work. But I’ve been struggling, I feel so miserable and helpless and I don’t know what to do. I’m not sure I can survive the wait till surgery with nothing for the pain. I’m struggling to keep my head above the water and I feel as if I’m drowning. Drowning in misery and helplessness.
My neurologist said there is nothing more he can do for me. And I’m struggling to accept the fact that I might be in pain for the rest of my life. I don’t want to accept it. Because to me accepting that means saying it’s okay. I know that’s not what acceptance is but it feels like it is. It’s not okay to live in pain for the rest of your life, but if there’s nothing more anyone can do for me, I guess that’s what it’s going to be.
I feel so miserable, defeated, helpless and even upset. And I don’t know what to do. I’m not strong enough to continue living like this forever. I just can’t do it and I shouldn’t have to. If I were a dog they would have put me down by now because no one should have to live in this much pain. So why is it okay for a human to have to live this way for who knows how long.
I’m expected just to suffer it out till I can get a surgery that may not even work, well not work because it’s not a cure but help even. In 8 weeks time my headache hit’s it’s 4th year anniversary, that’s 1461 days or 35063 hours spent in pain. Which is a long time. This illness has taken so much away from me, 4 years that I will never get back, my teenage years ruined, time spent being a happy teenager doing normal things with everything to live for taken away.
I have no future, a future without pain doesn’t exist for me, so what’s the point in a future at all. I have an agreement with my psychologist that I will not try to kill myself whilst I am still seeing her regularly. I tend to uphold my agreements so I don’t have any plans to do anything. But that doesn’t mean I don’t wish I was dead.
I just want it all to end.