Everyone always leaves me.

Over the years I’ve had a lot of issues with friends.

Firstly I moved country moved from England to Dubai, stayed in touch with my friends in England for about a year. Went back to England the summer of ’09 and had a really amazing summer with my friends in England. Over the next year I tried to stay in touch with everyone a fair bit. The next summer I went back this was my first summer after getting ill. My friends in England didn’t really show any interest in wanting to see me, I was having a tough time as it was with adapting to my new reality of chronic pain. I remember texting my friends to see if they wanted to meet up several times but had next to no response. On my last day I text them saying it was my last day if they wanted to see me before I left then it would have to be today. They text back with ‘Sorry we are busy’. A bit disappointed and hurt but I got on with it and spent the day with my sister instead. I walked to the village shop with my sister and guess who I see, my two ‘best’ friends walking back from the shop clearly not busy. After that I gave up, they stopped speaking to me or showing any interest in wanting to still be my friend so I stopped speaking to them too. 

I had friends in Dubai, but after I got sick they sort of left me, I put it down to them being fed up with the new me, in pain, depressed and miserable. I know its hard to be friends with someone who is chronically ill and in pain, but it hurt that they left me and didn’t try a bit harder to be there for me when I needed people the most. I went through a period of time, about a year where I had no friends, no one spoke to me, I didn’t go out, stayed in my room almost 24/7 when I wasn’t at school. And at school no one spoke to me and I didn’t speak to anyone either. I sat on my own in the common room at lunch because I had no friends and no one to talk to I would isolate myself in a corner reading to make myself look like I was choosing to be alone, whereas the reality of it was that I had no other choice. 

The next school year I got moved down a year. It was hard at first but eventually I made some friends. I started to go out with them when I felt able to. And things started to get okay on the friends front. Two of my closest friends even visited me in hospital after my overdose. 

In April of this year I moved back to England because of my health. And surprise surprise hardly any of my friends bothered to keep in touch or see if I was okay. I even sent out a mass message to my closest friends explaining why I left because I only told a couple of them I was leaving. I got replies from a couple of them saying they hoped I was okay, which was nice. But two of my closest friends didn’t even bother replying, even though they had seen the message and it was marked as read on Facebook. That hurt a lot to be honest. Three months later one of them started talking to me and said he was sorry for not talking to me sooner. I accepted his apology and we still talk occasionally now. 

The problem is everyone has moved on with their lives, they are all at uni, being normal and having a good time. And I understand that. But my so called best friend hardly has time for me anymore. She will only speak to me if I speak to her first, and then after a while she just stops replying. I still have one really close friend though who has been amazing and is always there for me. 

But it just seems like everyone always leaves me. Is there something wrong with me that causes this?! 

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2 thoughts on “Everyone always leaves me.

  1. Nothing is wrong with you. Its the world around us. Its like you said, People that are not in pain Cant understand our chronic pain. If they knew us before they sometimes do not understand the “new” us. Love your self, understand your self worth, know that you are not alone, there are a lot of us out here. Try to worry a little less on the past and look more on the present. Maybe even the future. You are loved by many, your thought and feelings are being heard. Please have a better day today.. Inga

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