I’m not doing so good. I feel so alone, other than my family and mental health professionals who it’s their job to be there for me, I don”t really have anyone anymore. I did have friends, but it seems like they are starting to drift away. Only one of them talks to me anymore, but I feel like she’s loosing interest in talking to me. My ‘former’ best friend doesn’t talk to me anymore either, I have to talk to her first and when I do she stops replying half way through a conversation. Which makes me feel brilliant, feel like she doesn’t give a shit about me anymore, I’ve told her I’m not doing good, she knows I recently had another struggle with self harm, she knows how badly my neurologist appointment went. Yet still she doesn’t talk to me. I feel like everyone always leaves me, because well that’s the case. They get fed up of being there for the girl in pain and depressed all the time, it’s happened before and it’s happening again. And I feel so alone. The one person who has always been there for me, the only person ever to help me feel better about things isn’t replying to my emails. I know she’s busy but I’m having a hard time and could really do with talking to her.
I feel so helpless and miserable. There’s nothing more anyone can do to help me anymore. I’m effectively stuck because of this fucking pain that never goes and torments me every waking fucking minute. I just don’t know what to do anymore. In a months time it will be my headaches 4 year anniversary which is making me feel even worse.
Saw my care coordinator today. She thinks the reason I feel so stuck is because I’m living in two different countries, and can’t commit myself to one or make a life for myself in either. She thinks I should move back to Dubai. But the reason I moved back was because of my health and my mental health and that effectively hasn’t changed or gotten any better so I don’t really see how I can move back just yet, it wouldn’t be safe.