I’m so ridiculously tired of life. (no need to worry I’m not going to do anything stupid). I’m just so tired of everything, and I’ve had enough. I’m nearly 20 and I’ve had the most part of my teenage years ripped away from me because of this illness. Instead of being able to live my life and do normal teenager things I have to deal with more pain than I ever imagined existed.
I’m meant to be sticking to a timetable of my day at the minute, every hour of the timetable has to be filled with something different, it was really hard to make but I made it. And it’s to include the studying I’m meant to be doing at the minute. I’m just having a hard time sticking to it. Actually to be honest there hasn’t been a single day that I’ve stuck to since I last saw my psychologist a week and a half ago when we discussed it. My excuse being we (me and my mum) have been decorating my room which has taken up most of the week. But I know if I had tried harder I could have tried to stick to it a bit better. I’m just having a hard time motivating myself for anything at the minute. Everything just seems so pointless. I haven’t been to taekwondo my usual six times a week as I just haven’t really felt like going. I’ve got an umpires course for it next Saturday which I really can’t be bothered with. It’s about a 4 hour drive up north to get to the place where it’s held so me and my mum are staying up there the night before so she doesn’t have to do the drive there and back in a day. But it’s like a 5 hour course and I need to do it, and I am going to do it, (we’ve paid and booked a hotel so there’s no backing out now) but I just don’t really feel like going. I don’t really feel like doing anything at the minute to be honest.
I’m having a hard time feeling anything at the minute. I just feel so empty and numb. I’m tired of living a life where all it consists of is pain, suffering, misery and at the minute numbness. Because what is the point if this is all it’s ever going to be, I just don’t see it. And I just feel really alone. I’m tired of this miserable excuse for a life, it’s not a life it’s merely existing and what’s the point in that.