I’m tired of life.

I’m so ridiculously tired of life. (no need to worry I’m not going to do anything stupid). I’m just so tired of everything, and I’ve had enough. I’m nearly 20 and I’ve had the most part of my teenage years ripped away from me because of this illness. Instead of being able to live my life and do normal teenager things I have to deal with more pain than I ever imagined existed. 

I’m meant to be sticking to a timetable of my day at the minute, every hour of the timetable has to be filled with something different, it was really hard to make but I made it. And it’s to include the studying I’m meant to be doing at the minute. I’m just having a hard time sticking to it. Actually to be honest there hasn’t been a single day that I’ve stuck to since I last saw my psychologist a week and a half ago when we discussed it. My excuse being we (me and my mum) have been decorating my room which has taken up most of the week. But I know if I had tried harder I could have tried to stick to it a bit better. I’m just having a hard time motivating myself for anything at the minute. Everything just seems so pointless. I haven’t been to taekwondo my usual six times a week as I just haven’t really felt like going. I’ve got an umpires course for it next Saturday which I really can’t be bothered with. It’s about a 4 hour drive up north to get to the place where it’s held so me and my mum are staying up there the night before so she doesn’t have to do the drive there and back in a day. But it’s like a 5 hour course and I need to do it, and I am going to do it, (we’ve paid and booked a hotel so there’s no backing out now) but I just don’t really feel like going. I don’t really feel like doing anything at the minute to be honest. 

I’m having a hard time feeling anything at the minute. I just feel so empty and numb. I’m tired of living a life where all it consists of is pain, suffering, misery and at the minute numbness. Because what is the point if this is all it’s ever going to be, I just don’t see it. And I just feel really alone. I’m tired of this miserable excuse for a life, it’s not a life it’s merely existing and what’s the point in that. 

Advertisements

12 thoughts on “I’m tired of life.

  1. Im sorry youre having such a hard time :(. I was diagnosed when I was 13 so I really identify with this story! I wouldn’t worry too much about going off schedule. I’m meant to be Gluten Free and I just ate a hamburger (oops!) with no regrets! Make sure you do something fun or relaxing for you before and after the umpire course- you deserve it!

  2. Hey I just read your blog for the first time. I wasn’t diagnosed as young as you were. I was almost 25 when I was diagnosed, but I do understand the frustration and the pain. I no longer work and struggled for a long time accepting this. It is definitely an everyday battle. Just try to keep your head up as hard as it is.

  3. Ah, I feel your pain through the words on the screen. I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through such a rough patch. Still, it sounds like taekwondo is a big part of your life. In my experience, once we get to that difficult place we don’t feel like going, things get much better from there. I’m sorry if that sounds a bit Pollyanna-ish or preachy, but it’s my truth 🙂 it ain’t easy, but it works.
    Take care, and may tomorrow be an easier day.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s