In a bad way.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been having such a god awful time. Well to be honest no time is ever good, but the past few weeks have been particularly bad. My depression has taken a downward spiral and the pain has just been bad all the time. It’s like I’m in this hole of such dark deep depression and I can’t get out because the pain never gets any better and it just drags me further and deeper into the hole. I’m not even sure if I want to get out of this hole at the minute, or just stay in the hole and let the misery consume me. All I know is that I’m tired and I’ve had enough, I just don’t want to do it anymore because I can’t win.

I’m in Dubai and I’m putting on a brave happy face for my family so that they don’t know how bad I feel. But I honestly just feel like breaking down into tears, but of course I can’t do that because I have this strange inability to be able to cry.

I’m just so god damn exhausted of everything. Last night the pain hit a 9/10 which is literally the 3rd time this week, I was in so much pain I felt sick, I felt like there were a hundred knives in my head the pain was so sharp, and at the same time I felt like my brain was being crushed inside my skull. I could literally do nothing but lie there in pain, moving hurt too much, my head hurt too much. I tried to go to bed but the pain was so awful that even with my meds that help me sleep it took me forever to get to fall asleep.

I don’t know what to do anymore because no one can help me.

Oops.

So I’m meant to be doing 10 minutes of taekwondo studying a day, to find my baseline of what I can handle and build up from there. As studying is a big issue for me as it increases my pain levels due to concentrating. Yesterday I felt reasonably good for once, still had pain as always but it was quite low so I started some studying and I kind of got carried away with making flash cards that I did over 2 hours worth of making flash cards. Which was okay and there wasn’t much concentration involved in making them, and it didn’t increase my pain too badly.

Today I was meant to see my school counsellor/friend, but she had to cancel as she had to go home with her son as he was sick, but I spoke to her on the phone and I will be seeing her at some point in the next few days. Also she said she is having problems with her email so she didn’t get the 7 emails I sent her. Was scared she was ignoring me, but she actually said that she was surprised she hadn’t heard from me recently, which she thought was strange as we usually email at least every week. I actually sent her 7 emails in the space of a week and a half cause I am having such a bad time but she didn’t get them which is why I hadn’t heard from her. So I’m seeing her soon which I’m happy about as I love talking to her. 

So instead of seeing her I did some studying, and again I got carried away with making flash cards so I did probably about an hour. And now my pain is worse so turns out that was a bad idea, oops. But I actually had motivation for once so I didn’t want to stop. 

Finally some good news.

So I’m in Dubai so obviously can’t check my mail to see if anything came from the DVLA about my appeal for a provisional licence, so I got my neighbor to check it for me to see if anything came. Well today a letter came from the DVLA, my neighbor said that the letter said to check with my doctor and then re apply, and enclosed forms to reapply with. I’m so god damn pleased that they didn’t just say no and that they took on board the letter that my psychologist and mental health team wrote to them saying they think I’m safe to drive. They could quite easily have just said no and to wait another 6 months before I can reapply. But they didn’t so that must be a good sign right?! 

I’m going to enclose letter from my doctor and psychologist in my reapplication saying that they think I’m safe to drive, and hopefully I will get the answer I’m hoping for. Though I know it’s not guaranteed and they could just say no again and that will cause me to be even more heartbroken if they decline me again, but I’m trying to be positive and not think about that. 

My close friend.

So I have a pretty close friend who I met online through tumblr as we both have chronic health conditions. I’ve known her for probably at least 2 years now maybe 3, and we met once in London when I was there for a doctors appointment. We speak most days and try to support each other through everything. She has M.E well we think she does doctors won’t diagnose her for some strange reason. So she’s never had any proper treatment for any of her symptoms. She has depression and anxiety but has failed on numerous attempts to try and get any effective treatment. The system has failed her numerous times and shes had enough, shes been suicidal for quite a while but it’s only now I’m starting to worry. She’s become very serious about taking her own life. Asking me how I attempted googling the best ways to do it and saying she’s going to do it soon. And there isn’t much I can do to help, I’ve attempted to talk her out of it the best way I can without sounding like a hypocrite because I too fight the demons of suicide. Today she said to me she is going to do it soon, and if I don’t hear from her I will know why. I’ve told her to go to A&E but I don’t think she will. She’s too far gone, so fed up with illness, depression, anxiety and an unsupportive family that she has just had enough and doesn’t want to live anymore. And I completely understand why but that doesn’t mean I want her to kill herself. She’s my friend, one of my only friends. 

There is literally nothing I can do, I’m not even in the same country as her at the minute. She said if I don’t hear from her again I will know why. So what am I meant to do just wait and see if I hear from her or not?! Because I don’t know what to do at all. And then what if I don’t hear from her, does that mean she’s dead, how will I know if she’s dead or not, I have her telephone number and her as a friend on Facebook, but no one will tell me what’s happened because I don’t know any of her family or any of her few other friends. It’s not like they are going to announce her death on Facebook. So how will I know for sure what’s happened. If she’s dead or if she’s in hospital or a mental health ward from attempting to kill herself and failing. I just won’t know for sure what’s happened. There’s nothing I can do and I feel very helpless over the whole situation. 

Not even been here a day.

So I’ve not even been in Dubai a day yet and the pain is already bad, so it’s not looking good for the next 9 days here. I woke up pretty late today cause of the time difference which is 4 hours ahead of England, and the pain wasn’t too bad then, and then I managed to shower and go for a drive before it got too bad. But this late afternoon/evening it has got a lot worse. And now I’m led in bed in a lot of pain. It hasn’t quite got to the stage where I’m so incapacitated by pain I can hardly move and feel like there are a hundred knives in my head cause the pain is so sharp and intense, but I can feel it slowly creeping up. The problem is I can’t go to sleep yet cause it’s too early, well it’s 10pm but that’s like 6pm UK time so I won’t be able to sleep yet if I go to bed now. Which is annoying cause all I want is to sleep so I can have a bit of a break from the pain.

 

It’s got to the point that I don’t like coming to Dubai and I don’t enjoy it because the pain gets so bad here. Don’t get me wrong it’s nice to see my Dad and sister but the pain is so intense here that I can hardly do anything anyway. So I would rather be in England.  

Massive flare up.

Right now I’m in a huge flare up of pain. My head hurts so much that I can’t physically do anything other than lie in bed in pain and feeling miserable because I’m in pain and all I can do is lie in bed. I feel like there are knives in my head, the pain is so sharp and so severe. But there is nothing I can do to stop it, triptans don’t work, I’m not allowed anything stronger and I don’t have any methods that might help the pain because none of them help. So I’m stuck and I’m feeling really helpless. There’s no point going to the doctors cause they can’t do anything to help me, there’s nothing they can give me that I’m allowed that would help. I’m at a loss of what to do so I guess I just have to suffer it out which makes me angry and miserable. I just find it really inhumane that I have to suffer like this, you wouldn’t let a dog suffer like this so why let a human, doesn’t make any sense to me. 

I know that it’s only going to get worse and I’m in for a rough few weeks. I’m going to Dubai on Friday, I’m already in flare up and when I’m in Dubai I usually get a big flare up as well (not sure what causes it yet though) so it’s going to be flare up upon flare up which isn’t going to be fun at all. 

I’m just in so much unbelievable pain and I just can’t stand it anymore. But I don’t know what to do, cause no one can help me and I can’t help myself.  

Punished.

I feel like I get punished every time I try to do something nice like actually leave the house let alone leaving my bed. My sister has arrived from Dubai for the week, so yesterday we went to see my mums best friend and sisters godmother her 18 year old daughter who is a quite close friend of mine (though I don’t see her very often) and her 10 year old twins who are my favourite people ever (other than my sister that is) but they are just so lovely. So we went for lunch with them about an hour away from where we live as they live like two hours away. It was really nice to see them and I had a good time.

But afterwards on the way home I could feel my pain increasing rapidly, and by the time I got home I was unable to do anything but lie in bed in pain, and feeling miserable because I was in so much pain and couldn’t spend time with my sister. I was in so much pain I felt sick, but I’m not sure it was like the nausea you get with a migraine. My pain levels were at about a 9 out of 10 and I just felt sick I was in so much pain, it’s hard to describe it but it was horrible. I could hardly move or open my eyes or do anything but lie there in pain and feeling sick. 

I feel like I get punished with more pain every time I go out and try to do something nice or attempt to do anything for that matter. So it gets me thinking like what’s the point in doing anything if the pain is going to get worse when I try to do something. It’s only natural to want the lowest pain possible so if going out means you get punished with more pain then what’s the point in going out if you know you are going to pay for it later. That’s my thinking anyway. I know that’s not anyway to live your life but I just want the lowest pain possible which means going out as little as possible. So I don’t really know what I can do.