In a bad way.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been having such a god awful time. Well to be honest no time is ever good, but the past few weeks have been particularly bad. My depression has taken a downward spiral and the pain has just been bad all the time. It’s like I’m in this hole of such dark deep depression and I can’t get out because the pain never gets any better and it just drags me further and deeper into the hole. I’m not even sure if I want to get out of this hole at the minute, or just stay in the hole and let the misery consume me. All I know is that I’m tired and I’ve had enough, I just don’t want to do it anymore because I can’t win.

I’m in Dubai and I’m putting on a brave happy face for my family so that they don’t know how bad I feel. But I honestly just feel like breaking down into tears, but of course I can’t do that because I have this strange inability to be able to cry.

I’m just so god damn exhausted of everything. Last night the pain hit a 9/10 which is literally the 3rd time this week, I was in so much pain I felt sick, I felt like there were a hundred knives in my head the pain was so sharp, and at the same time I felt like my brain was being crushed inside my skull. I could literally do nothing but lie there in pain, moving hurt too much, my head hurt too much. I tried to go to bed but the pain was so awful that even with my meds that help me sleep it took me forever to get to fall asleep.

I don’t know what to do anymore because no one can help me.

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Oops.

So I’m meant to be doing 10 minutes of taekwondo studying a day, to find my baseline of what I can handle and build up from there. As studying is a big issue for me as it increases my pain levels due to concentrating. Yesterday I felt reasonably good for once, still had pain as always but it was quite low so I started some studying and I kind of got carried away with making flash cards that I did over 2 hours worth of making flash cards. Which was okay and there wasn’t much concentration involved in making them, and it didn’t increase my pain too badly.

Today I was meant to see my school counsellor/friend, but she had to cancel as she had to go home with her son as he was sick, but I spoke to her on the phone and I will be seeing her at some point in the next few days. Also she said she is having problems with her email so she didn’t get the 7 emails I sent her. Was scared she was ignoring me, but she actually said that she was surprised she hadn’t heard from me recently, which she thought was strange as we usually email at least every week. I actually sent her 7 emails in the space of a week and a half cause I am having such a bad time but she didn’t get them which is why I hadn’t heard from her. So I’m seeing her soon which I’m happy about as I love talking to her. 

So instead of seeing her I did some studying, and again I got carried away with making flash cards so I did probably about an hour. And now my pain is worse so turns out that was a bad idea, oops. But I actually had motivation for once so I didn’t want to stop. 

Finally some good news.

So I’m in Dubai so obviously can’t check my mail to see if anything came from the DVLA about my appeal for a provisional licence, so I got my neighbor to check it for me to see if anything came. Well today a letter came from the DVLA, my neighbor said that the letter said to check with my doctor and then re apply, and enclosed forms to reapply with. I’m so god damn pleased that they didn’t just say no and that they took on board the letter that my psychologist and mental health team wrote to them saying they think I’m safe to drive. They could quite easily have just said no and to wait another 6 months before I can reapply. But they didn’t so that must be a good sign right?! 

I’m going to enclose letter from my doctor and psychologist in my reapplication saying that they think I’m safe to drive, and hopefully I will get the answer I’m hoping for. Though I know it’s not guaranteed and they could just say no again and that will cause me to be even more heartbroken if they decline me again, but I’m trying to be positive and not think about that. 

Not even been here a day.

So I’ve not even been in Dubai a day yet and the pain is already bad, so it’s not looking good for the next 9 days here. I woke up pretty late today cause of the time difference which is 4 hours ahead of England, and the pain wasn’t too bad then, and then I managed to shower and go for a drive before it got too bad. But this late afternoon/evening it has got a lot worse. And now I’m led in bed in a lot of pain. It hasn’t quite got to the stage where I’m so incapacitated by pain I can hardly move and feel like there are a hundred knives in my head cause the pain is so sharp and intense, but I can feel it slowly creeping up. The problem is I can’t go to sleep yet cause it’s too early, well it’s 10pm but that’s like 6pm UK time so I won’t be able to sleep yet if I go to bed now. Which is annoying cause all I want is to sleep so I can have a bit of a break from the pain.

 

It’s got to the point that I don’t like coming to Dubai and I don’t enjoy it because the pain gets so bad here. Don’t get me wrong it’s nice to see my Dad and sister but the pain is so intense here that I can hardly do anything anyway. So I would rather be in England.  

Massive flare up.

Right now I’m in a huge flare up of pain. My head hurts so much that I can’t physically do anything other than lie in bed in pain and feeling miserable because I’m in pain and all I can do is lie in bed. I feel like there are knives in my head, the pain is so sharp and so severe. But there is nothing I can do to stop it, triptans don’t work, I’m not allowed anything stronger and I don’t have any methods that might help the pain because none of them help. So I’m stuck and I’m feeling really helpless. There’s no point going to the doctors cause they can’t do anything to help me, there’s nothing they can give me that I’m allowed that would help. I’m at a loss of what to do so I guess I just have to suffer it out which makes me angry and miserable. I just find it really inhumane that I have to suffer like this, you wouldn’t let a dog suffer like this so why let a human, doesn’t make any sense to me. 

I know that it’s only going to get worse and I’m in for a rough few weeks. I’m going to Dubai on Friday, I’m already in flare up and when I’m in Dubai I usually get a big flare up as well (not sure what causes it yet though) so it’s going to be flare up upon flare up which isn’t going to be fun at all. 

I’m just in so much unbelievable pain and I just can’t stand it anymore. But I don’t know what to do, cause no one can help me and I can’t help myself.  

Punished.

I feel like I get punished every time I try to do something nice like actually leave the house let alone leaving my bed. My sister has arrived from Dubai for the week, so yesterday we went to see my mums best friend and sisters godmother her 18 year old daughter who is a quite close friend of mine (though I don’t see her very often) and her 10 year old twins who are my favourite people ever (other than my sister that is) but they are just so lovely. So we went for lunch with them about an hour away from where we live as they live like two hours away. It was really nice to see them and I had a good time.

But afterwards on the way home I could feel my pain increasing rapidly, and by the time I got home I was unable to do anything but lie in bed in pain, and feeling miserable because I was in so much pain and couldn’t spend time with my sister. I was in so much pain I felt sick, but I’m not sure it was like the nausea you get with a migraine. My pain levels were at about a 9 out of 10 and I just felt sick I was in so much pain, it’s hard to describe it but it was horrible. I could hardly move or open my eyes or do anything but lie there in pain and feeling sick. 

I feel like I get punished with more pain every time I go out and try to do something nice or attempt to do anything for that matter. So it gets me thinking like what’s the point in doing anything if the pain is going to get worse when I try to do something. It’s only natural to want the lowest pain possible so if going out means you get punished with more pain then what’s the point in going out if you know you are going to pay for it later. That’s my thinking anyway. I know that’s not anyway to live your life but I just want the lowest pain possible which means going out as little as possible. So I don’t really know what I can do. 

Spiraling downwards, and I don’t know how or if I want to stop it.

Been having a hard time, well actually I’m always having a hard time so perhaps it would be best to describe this as having an awful time. My depression has such a hold of me and won’t let go and I don’t know at the minute whether or not I want it to let go. It’s like I’m stuck in a hole and I can’t get out and I’m not sure if I want to try. I’m stuck in this pit because the pain never ends and it just brings me further down and down. So I struggle to see the point in anything, it’s so very hard to motivate myself to do anything other than stay in bed, so I’ve been staying in bed a lot. I know it’s bad when instead of staying in bed and watching tv shows on my laptop, I’m actually just lying in bed doing nothing because I feel too miserable to do anything other than lie there with my thoughts which I know isn’t exactly a good idea but it’s all I can do right now. I struggle with the fact that if I do anything the pain increases so I just do nothing in the hope the pain won’t increase although sometimes it does anyway, so I can”t exactly win. I’m not entirely sure whether I want to fight the depression or just let it win and be consumed by it at the minute.

I saw my psychologist yesterday who proposed a new idea of instead of fighting the pain or giving up that perhaps there is another road, the road of acceptance. She gave me some reading to do about Acceptance & Commitment Therapy and I’ve got a couple of exercises to do as well which I still need to do but I’ve got the rest of the week to work on them. I’ve done most of the reading and I get the idea, accepting that I have pain and I or no one else can change that and learning to live a life with pain but without the suffering. I totally get the idea and it sounds all well and dandy but I just don’t get how I get there, to the acceptance bit. I don’t see a life without pain and to me the suffering comes hand in hand with the pain so I don’t get how I can live without that because to me it’s inevitable. How do I go from a place that’s so dark to a place of acceptance?! Please someone tell me the answer because I honestly have no clue how to get there.

I’ve been having such an awful time over the past week, the pain has been bad a lot and then the depression is almost at an all time high, not quite all time, I’m hanging in there but it’s tough. I was meant to be following a timetable of my day but that’s kind of gone to pot. I’m meant to do 10 minutes taekwondo studying a day which over the past week I haven’t been doing because I’ve just felt too miserable to do anything. But my psych said it’s really important that even if I don’t follow the timetable that even if I’m feeling absolutely awful that I at least do the 10 minutes of studying as we need to find a baseline and work up from there with how long I can study for without the pain flaring. So I did some yesterday and I’ve actually over the past week two weeks learn one black belt pattern meaning (which is a long paragraph about the korean history behind the pattern) so I am quite pleased I’ve learnt that, but I’ve got a lot more to learn by October.

Anyway it’s valentines day, I don’t have a valentine because well who would put up with all my baggage, plus I don’t exactly go out and meet people my age, most people my age are away at uni so it’s a bit hard to meet someone. And even harder to find someone to put up with me. But that’s a story for another day.

On the up side the only valentine I really need is my sister and she arrives in England tomorrow from Dubai. She is staying a week here and then me my Mum and my sister are flying to Dubai and my Mum and I are staying for 10 days. Which I’m not entirely sure whether I’m looking forward to going, it’ll be nice to be with my whole family for a bit though. And also I will get to drive my care for 10 days which will be wonderful as I love driving, (still haven’t heard back from the DVLA regarding my provisional licence appeal for reconsideration, which is annoying. I keep waiting for a letter from them but one never shows up.) And it will be nice to have some warmer weather with no rain, though saying that it was thundering and lightening in Dubai the other night which is rare, but hopefully it’ll be nice whilst I’m there.