Every Thursday I see my psychologist, usually it helps me feel a bit better for a bit,and I like Thursdays because of that, but today it didn’t. If anything I feel worse than I did before I saw her. She asked me difficult questions that I genuinely don’t know what the answer is to them, she always asks me how I’m feeling at the start I always say rubbish because that’s genuinely how I’m feeling. I find it hard to put my feelings into words and tell people about them. I am able to write them down but talking about them is a whole different story. When I first started seeing my school counsellor in Dubai about 4 years ago now just after I got sick, I was taken to her because my PE teacher found out I was cutting. It was probably the best thing to happen but for weeks I sat in her office on the edge of the seat ready to escape hardly saying two words in an hour session. Eventually I started to talk more and now I tell her everything but it was really hard at first, she now describes it as it was like getting blood out of a stone. We joke about it now.
I like my psychologist here in the UK but today I felt like she was a bit frustrated with me because I find it hard to talk about things. And that made me feel worse. I felt bad because I wasn’t able to verbalise how I am feeling. I just described it as rubbish like I always do because I don’t know what else to say or how to actually put into words how I’m feeling. I find that really hard. Talking about my feelings makes me anxious, I feel like people will judge me from how I’m feeling so I usually hold back, and it makes me feel vulnerable. Don’t get me wrong I like and trust my psychologist but somehow that doesn’t make it any easier just yet. I find it easier when I see my old school counsellor, but that’s because I’ve known her for a long time, and she knows me so well she can tell how I’m feeling just by looking at me.
I’m a lot better at writing down how I’m feeling, have got quite good at that. So I emailed my psychologist this afternoon, apologising and telling her how I really feel. Hopefully will hear back soon, but I’m anxious about that also.