I find it hard.

Every Thursday I see my psychologist, usually it helps me feel a bit better for a bit,and I like Thursdays because of that, but today it didn’t. If anything I feel worse than I did before I saw her. She asked me difficult questions that I genuinely don’t know what the answer is to them, she always asks me how I’m feeling at the start I always say rubbish because that’s genuinely how I’m feeling. I find it hard to put my feelings into words and tell people about them. I am able to write them down but talking about them is a whole different story. When I first started seeing my school counsellor in Dubai about 4 years ago now just after I got sick, I was taken to her because my PE teacher found out I was cutting. It was probably the best thing to happen but for weeks I sat in her office on the edge of the seat ready to escape hardly saying two words in an hour session. Eventually I started to talk more and now I tell her everything but it was really hard at first, she now describes it as it was like getting blood out of a stone. We joke about it now. 

I like my psychologist here in the UK but today I felt like she was a bit frustrated with me because I find it hard to talk about things. And that made me feel worse. I felt bad because I wasn’t able to verbalise how I am feeling. I just described it as rubbish like I always do because I don’t know what else to say or how to actually put into words how I’m feeling. I find that really hard. Talking about my feelings makes me anxious, I feel like people will judge me from how I’m feeling so I usually hold back, and it makes me feel vulnerable. Don’t get me wrong I like and trust my psychologist but somehow that doesn’t make it any easier just yet. I find it easier when I see my old school counsellor, but that’s because I’ve known her for a long time, and she knows me so well she can tell how I’m feeling just by looking at me. 

I’m a lot better at writing down how I’m feeling, have got quite good at that. So I emailed my psychologist this afternoon, apologising and telling her how I really feel. Hopefully will hear back soon, but I’m anxious about that also.

Advertisements

5 thoughts on “I find it hard.

  1. When I first started seeing my therapist I would write her letters of how I was feeling, Maybe you can try that. Though she might want you to read them. Depends on the therapist. my therapist always read them and then read the parts that needed clarification or deciphering (my handwriting can be messy)

  2. Hey….I’m sorry to hear you’re going through all of this. I can easily relate as I’m a 20 year old Canadian who has NDPH. I understand the difficulty NDPH patients suffer through…Although the pain may not seem to go away; I ensure you that life will get better, things get easier, and people understand more. If I can help in any way please feel free to email me 🙂

  3. Hey….I’m sorry to hear you’re going through all of this. I can easily relate as I’m a 20 year old Canadian who has NDPH. I understand the difficulty NDPH patients suffer through…Although the pain may not seem to go away; I ensure you that life will get better, things get easier, and people understand more. In my experience, medical professionals tend to prefed patients like you as they aren’t dealing with “the usual”…try not to worry about how they think, it’s all meant for you.

    If I can help in any way please feel free to contact me! 🙂

    -Jonathan

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s