Been having a hard time, well actually I’m always having a hard time so perhaps it would be best to describe this as having an awful time. My depression has such a hold of me and won’t let go and I don’t know at the minute whether or not I want it to let go. It’s like I’m stuck in a hole and I can’t get out and I’m not sure if I want to try. I’m stuck in this pit because the pain never ends and it just brings me further down and down. So I struggle to see the point in anything, it’s so very hard to motivate myself to do anything other than stay in bed, so I’ve been staying in bed a lot. I know it’s bad when instead of staying in bed and watching tv shows on my laptop, I’m actually just lying in bed doing nothing because I feel too miserable to do anything other than lie there with my thoughts which I know isn’t exactly a good idea but it’s all I can do right now. I struggle with the fact that if I do anything the pain increases so I just do nothing in the hope the pain won’t increase although sometimes it does anyway, so I can”t exactly win. I’m not entirely sure whether I want to fight the depression or just let it win and be consumed by it at the minute.
I saw my psychologist yesterday who proposed a new idea of instead of fighting the pain or giving up that perhaps there is another road, the road of acceptance. She gave me some reading to do about Acceptance & Commitment Therapy and I’ve got a couple of exercises to do as well which I still need to do but I’ve got the rest of the week to work on them. I’ve done most of the reading and I get the idea, accepting that I have pain and I or no one else can change that and learning to live a life with pain but without the suffering. I totally get the idea and it sounds all well and dandy but I just don’t get how I get there, to the acceptance bit. I don’t see a life without pain and to me the suffering comes hand in hand with the pain so I don’t get how I can live without that because to me it’s inevitable. How do I go from a place that’s so dark to a place of acceptance?! Please someone tell me the answer because I honestly have no clue how to get there.
I’ve been having such an awful time over the past week, the pain has been bad a lot and then the depression is almost at an all time high, not quite all time, I’m hanging in there but it’s tough. I was meant to be following a timetable of my day but that’s kind of gone to pot. I’m meant to do 10 minutes taekwondo studying a day which over the past week I haven’t been doing because I’ve just felt too miserable to do anything. But my psych said it’s really important that even if I don’t follow the timetable that even if I’m feeling absolutely awful that I at least do the 10 minutes of studying as we need to find a baseline and work up from there with how long I can study for without the pain flaring. So I did some yesterday and I’ve actually over the past week two weeks learn one black belt pattern meaning (which is a long paragraph about the korean history behind the pattern) so I am quite pleased I’ve learnt that, but I’ve got a lot more to learn by October.
Anyway it’s valentines day, I don’t have a valentine because well who would put up with all my baggage, plus I don’t exactly go out and meet people my age, most people my age are away at uni so it’s a bit hard to meet someone. And even harder to find someone to put up with me. But that’s a story for another day.
On the up side the only valentine I really need is my sister and she arrives in England tomorrow from Dubai. She is staying a week here and then me my Mum and my sister are flying to Dubai and my Mum and I are staying for 10 days. Which I’m not entirely sure whether I’m looking forward to going, it’ll be nice to be with my whole family for a bit though. And also I will get to drive my care for 10 days which will be wonderful as I love driving, (still haven’t heard back from the DVLA regarding my provisional licence appeal for reconsideration, which is annoying. I keep waiting for a letter from them but one never shows up.) And it will be nice to have some warmer weather with no rain, though saying that it was thundering and lightening in Dubai the other night which is rare, but hopefully it’ll be nice whilst I’m there.