Over the past few weeks I’ve been having such a god awful time. Well to be honest no time is ever good, but the past few weeks have been particularly bad. My depression has taken a downward spiral and the pain has just been bad all the time. It’s like I’m in this hole of such dark deep depression and I can’t get out because the pain never gets any better and it just drags me further and deeper into the hole. I’m not even sure if I want to get out of this hole at the minute, or just stay in the hole and let the misery consume me. All I know is that I’m tired and I’ve had enough, I just don’t want to do it anymore because I can’t win.
I’m in Dubai and I’m putting on a brave happy face for my family so that they don’t know how bad I feel. But I honestly just feel like breaking down into tears, but of course I can’t do that because I have this strange inability to be able to cry.
I’m just so god damn exhausted of everything. Last night the pain hit a 9/10 which is literally the 3rd time this week, I was in so much pain I felt sick, I felt like there were a hundred knives in my head the pain was so sharp, and at the same time I felt like my brain was being crushed inside my skull. I could literally do nothing but lie there in pain, moving hurt too much, my head hurt too much. I tried to go to bed but the pain was so awful that even with my meds that help me sleep it took me forever to get to fall asleep.
I don’t know what to do anymore because no one can help me.