So my psychologist gives me homework to do, the most recent one is due this Thursday when I see her for my appointment. But I’m finding it really hard, I was dreading doing it but I started it and am now procrastinating finishing it because I haven’t even got to the really hard part yet.
It’s all about values. Values I have about, intimate relationships, parenting, family relationships, social relationships, work, leisure, citizenship, personal growth, health and spirituality. I showed what I had filled in already to my school counsellor yesterday and she was like ‘oh this is interesting’ I told her I was skipping intimate relationships and she was like why? And I don’t like talking about that sort of stuff so I didn’t really reply I just insisting that I was skipping it. The real reason why I’m skipping it because I don’t believe that I will ever have another intimate relationship, I come with too much baggage now so who would want me. I’ve had boyfriends before, I broke up with my boyfriend in England when I moved to Dubai, then we got back together the summer after and then he wanted me to wait for him and said we would talk every week at a set time. Which happened for a couple of months and then he stopped coming online so I thought he had moved on, so eventually so did I. Turned out he hadn’t actually moved on, but how was I to know that, he now hates me which breaks my heart every time I think about it. Then my last boyfriend who I met in Dubai treated me like shit, in the beginning it was okay, but after a while he started getting not very nice and all we would ever do was argue about my illness. All I got was a constant stream of verbal abuse about me being in pain all the time, which I obviously couldn’t change. So I broke up with him. And I suppose it’s just quite painful to think about so I don’t like thinking about the intimate relationship one, as I don’t even see that me having another intimate relationship is a possibility, as let’s be honest who is going to put up with someone as ill as me, so I’m skipping it so I don’t have to talk or think about it.
The ones I’m finding particularly hard other than intimate relationships are, work (I’ve written a line about wanting to help people the way people have tried to help me, but that’s it) citizenship, personal growth, leisure and spirituality. I just don’t know what to put, so I thought I would come back to them later, but I’m still finding it hard.
But that’s not all of it, (it’s a big piece of homework).
I then have to attend my own funeral, which I’m having trouble with. The main thing I am wrestling with about this is is this my funeral when I’ve grown old and died, is this my funeral where I’ve tried to kill myself and succeeded, or maybe even dying from a tragic accident. I don’t know, because they would all be pretty different funerals and the people that attend them would be completely different, everything would be different. My school counsellor when I told her about it said to do it for both and then compare. I have to write the name of a person from each of the values section, and then write about what I would want that person to say about me.
And there’s more…
I then have to create a values compass, which is writing statements for each of these sections about what I want my life to be about. Which yet again I find hard. And then assess the severity of my values illness in each of these sections.
So it’s a lot of homework and it’s all due Thursday and I’ve hardly done any of it because I’m finding it so hard. But apparently it’s the key to acceptance. Which is kind of what we are working on but I just don’t see how to get there with how bad I’m feeling at the minute.