So I had a session with my psychologist today which was good, she’s really nice and helpful and I always feel a bit better after talking to her for a bit. I haven’t been doing very well recently, I had said I didn’t want help and wanted to let my misery consume me because I have been in such a dark deep hole again. But I feel now like I want to get better, I don’t want to feel so miserable I don’t want to be constantly fighting the urge to kill myself, because who wants that really. I know that I have been in such dark places in the past and recently where it was safe and comfortable to sit with my misery and not want to try and get better because that was too scary. Acceptance was too scary, to me acceptance sounded and still does sound and feel like accepting the fact that I will always be in pain means being in pain all the time is okay. I know that that’s not really what it means but to me that’s what it feels like. But I want to try, I want to feel better, I may always be in pain but I want to be able to move on with my life instead of feeling stuck. It’s all very scary.
I was talking about my homework with my psychologist today and it was all about values. I wrote in the work section that I wanted to be able to help people in the way that people have helped me. And in the personal growth section I had written that I wanted to continue learning about medical stuff, as I put it. As I do a lot of research and reading on medical ‘stuff’. What was interesting is that my psychologist then said had I ever thought about becoming a doctor or a nurse, well since getting sick it’s kind of been a secret dream of mine to become a doctor. As a patient who knows what a good doctor is like and has experienced more than my fair share of bad doctors who wouldn’t listen and didn’t understand or want to help, I think that I would make a good doctor. But like I said that’s a dream. Personally I don’t think I’m clever enough to become a doctor, maybe because I’m too scared to try encase I fail. We had previously spoken about me wanting to pursue psychology as a career path and helping people that way, because I never even thought it was possible for me to help people in any other way like for example becoming a doctor or a nurse. But now I think about it more I suppose that maybe it’s something I want to try, though saying that it would take me with my health conditions and pain a lot longer than the standard person. And I would have to first do some more A levels as I only have one and that’s in Physical Education and I only got a C, because I messed up my final A2 exam.
The problem is I’m so scared of failure, I’m so scared of not being able to do something because my pain gets in the way that I just don’t try anymore so effectively I’m stuck because I don’t feel like I can do anything and that in turn contributes to my depression making it worse.
I may always be in pain but I want to feel better, I want to be able to accept and move on with my life.