Scared, but I want to get better.

So I had a session with my psychologist today which was good, she’s really nice and helpful and I always feel a bit better after talking to her for a bit. I haven’t been doing very well recently, I had said I didn’t want help and wanted to let my misery consume me because I have been in such a dark deep hole again. But I feel now like I want to get better, I don’t want to feel so miserable I don’t want to be constantly fighting the urge to kill myself, because who wants that really. I know that I have been in such dark places in the past and recently where it was safe and comfortable to sit with my misery and not want to try and get better because that was too scary. Acceptance was too scary, to me acceptance sounded and still does sound and feel like accepting the fact that I will always be in pain means being in pain all the time is okay. I know that that’s not really what it means but to me that’s what it feels like. But I want to try, I want to feel better, I may always be in pain but I want to be able to move on with my life instead of feeling stuck. It’s all very scary.

I was talking about my homework with my psychologist today and it was all about values. I wrote in the work section that I wanted to be able to help people in the way that people have helped me. And in the personal growth section I had written that I wanted to continue learning about medical stuff, as I put it. As I do a lot of research and reading on medical ‘stuff’. What was interesting is that my psychologist then said had I ever thought about becoming a doctor or a nurse, well since getting sick it’s kind of been a secret dream of mine to become a doctor. As a patient who knows what a good doctor is like and has experienced more than my fair share of bad doctors who wouldn’t listen and didn’t understand or want to help, I think that I would make a good doctor. But like I said that’s a dream. Personally I don’t think I’m clever enough to become a doctor, maybe because I’m too scared to try encase I fail. We had previously spoken about me wanting to pursue psychology as a career path and helping people that way, because I never even thought it was possible for me to help people in any other way like for example becoming a doctor or a nurse. But now I think about it more I suppose that maybe it’s something I want to try, though saying that it would take me with my health conditions and pain a lot longer than the standard person. And I would have to first do some more A levels as I only have one and that’s in Physical Education and I only got a C, because I messed up my final A2 exam.

The problem is I’m so scared of failure, I’m so scared of not being able to do something because my pain gets in the way that I just don’t try anymore so effectively I’m stuck because I don’t feel like I can do anything and that in turn contributes to my depression making it worse.

I may always be in pain but I want to feel better, I want to be able to accept and move on with my life.

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6 thoughts on “Scared, but I want to get better.

    • Yeah it’s just really hard accepting the fact that I’m probably going to be in pain for the rest of my life. Since getting sick it’s made me realise that I want to help people with chronic pain be it a pain psychologist, doctor or nurse etc. As a patient myself I know what people need when going through this sort of stuff. It’s just hard cause I have next to no qualifications to get in anywhere as I had to drop out of school so I don’t really know where to start, it’s quite daunting!

  1. Baby steps – you can do it – so nice to hear you feeling hopeful. Many people live successfully in chronic pain – and I’m not minimizing yours in the least bit. It’s that “I’ll be damn if this is going to take my life!” attitude. I see my 17 year old daughter suffer daily for the last 5 years with NDPH and have watched as she’s lost plenty – friends, parties, sports, grades, simple time spent enjoying life. But, I’ve always admired her courage as she pushes forward and I know that there are great things ahead for both you and her. You go girl!

  2. Hi Sian! I just want to tell you that you can do it. What you wrote here sounds so similar to me, its as if i wrote it! I know exactly what you mean about acceptance. I’m going through a really hard time and becoming very depressed about accepting that i may live with pain for the rest of my life. I was getting better on a med for around 6 months and now i am just like how I was before starting that med…Acceptance is really hard and you are so right, its not that we accept living with pain but accept the situation and try to do something about it. Like this quote: “Acceptance doesn’t mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there’s got to be a way through it” -Michael J. Fox
    I want to be a doctor too, and after living with chronic pain for 2 years, it has made me want this dream even more. I have always had a passion for medical ‘stuff’-I call it that too!!! I think to myself exactly what you do, no matter how long it takes me I want to do it. i know the pain might delay things but this is one thing I don’t want migraines to interfere with. I am worried about everything too, like the fact that my migraines will get bad enough that I won’t be able to study anymore but I am trying to think positively and if they do stop me i have to remember how much i want this and get back up again and try for it with all that I have. I truly wish you the best of luck! Just try to remember to follow your dreams even though you are scared that the migraines will get in the way. Im trying so hard to do that right now…
    -Amanda

    • Yeah I just find it all very scary but I think I’m about ready to accept and try to attempt to move on with my life. NDPH has taken away over 4 years of my life and I want to be able to move on despite pain. I wish you the best of luck with acceptance, it’s really quite hard!
      Sian

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