Today I made the decision to live.

So there is something I haven’t told you guys. I didn’t tell anyone, not even my school counsellor who I practically tell everything to (though she now knows, and I’m telling my psych on Thursday). It was the best kept secret, which are the ones you keep to yourself.

Over the past month and a bit I have been hoarding 5mg of olanzapine a day, my lunch time dose. I had saved up 150mg and was effectively waiting till I had enough and the right time to take them, though I never quite figured out when the right time was going to be. But I wanted to have enough so when the right time for me to kill myself presented I would be able to. I felt safer having them knowing that I could kill myself at any moment and it would all be over finally. I was in a very dark place and didn’t want help or to be saved, so I didn’t tell anyone. 

Today I got rid of them all, so that I no longer have them therefore can no longer use them.

I have also now told my GP that I no longer want to take my lunchtime dose of olanzapine as I don’t need it and it doesn’t do anything. I’ve effectively been off it for weeks anyway but now it’s official. You may wonder that maybe I will do it again, but I don’t see that happening, all the meds I now take I desperately need to take them, if I don’t take my POTS meds I have seizures and black outs, if I don’t take my bed time olanzapine I can’t sleep a wink. So I need all them meds so I have none spare to hoard. And all the extra meds are locked in the safe and I don’t know the code. So I feel pretty safe on that front.

I feel like by getting rid of the meds I was hoarding I have taken the first step towards acceptance and moving on, by making the decision to live.  

Over the past few days I’ve been feeling somewhat better, don’t get me wrong the pain is still there, the pain will always be there and I wouldn’t say that I’m feeling happy at all. But kind of I suppose a lot better than I’ve been feeling recently. So no one needs to worry I no longer feel that deep down in my heart I want to die, that urge and feeling is kind of fading away slowly. 

I know that I’ve got a long way to go with this acceptance and moving on thing, I’ve only just begun to scratch the surface. But I want to accept and move on with my life, and actually live despite pain instead of just existing miserably. Even though I don’t quite know where to start, but I guess in a way I’ve already started.


14 thoughts on “Today I made the decision to live.

  1. This is an awesome first step! I really encourage you to consider checking into a mental hospital. It made the biggest difference for me. I thought I could fight the suicidal urges on my own but they would just keep coming back. At the hospital I learned how to handle myself when I got this way and how to take care of myself mentally day to day. I also met a TON of other people who suffered from chronic health problems and meeting them in person, knowing I wasn’t alone, made such a huge difference for me.

    • Thanks, I’ve considered it before when I was really bad but the psychiatrist I saw said he thought it would make me worse, so we went ahead with a home treatment team where a psychiatric nurse would come round to see me every day for a month, then i got moved onto the longer term program which was pretty rubbish but I then found a really good psychologist who specialized in pain management been working with her for about 6 months now and she’s helped a lot

      • Does your psychologist know about you hoarding the pills? I ask because (and I’m sure you know this since it sounds like you’ve been around the mental health block like me) the fact that you had a plan is really serious and is usually grounds for hospitalization. It’s great that you’re smart enough to know how to keep yourself safe by locking up your other meds, but I worry about you starting to think that way again!

      • Not yet but I will be telling her when I see her on Thursday. Yeah I live with my mum who locks away all my meds, I don’t have any more spare to hoard as I desperately need all my other ones. I think I will be okay, I think and I hope the worst of it is over!

  2. I’m glad you made the choice to live. It is hard to live with pain. We can find ways to still have a good, quality life. Hang in there and keep the journey going.

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