Birthday pain, punishment and worries.

So as you know from my previous post, it’s my birthday. And I was having a really good day… until the pain got worse. 

Now the pain hasn’t been too bad since I’ve been feeling a bit better, which is just random as that’s sometimes how my pain works. I will have bad days for weeks, or it will be on and off sometimes bad sometimes bearable, or even sometimes having a string of bearable days. It’s just completely random, I’ve never pinned down anything that makes it better or worse (other than going and being in Dubai as that always makes it worse.) The point is I was having a string of bearable days recently, combined with feeling a bit better emotionally, so I was doing okay. 

But tonight it has gotten a lot worse, and it’s my birthday so that kind of sucks. I’m led in bed trying to take my mind off of it before it gets so bad that I’m literally incapacitated by pain and can’t do anything but lie there in pain because it hurts too much to move, talk or do anything. And I feel like I’m being punished with more pain for having a nice day on my birthday.

I’ve had a few nights recently where it hasn’t been great after going to taekwondo, but that happens fairly often and I deal with it as I’ve been to taekwondo and had some sort of break from the pain that going to training gives me (it doesn’t get rid of the pain and it sometimes makes it worse, but the distraction of taekwondo gives me some relief so I deal with the higher pain levels it sometimes brings me after because of that, also by the time it’s finished it’s also nearly my bedtime, so I take the meds I need to take in order to sleep and drift off to sleep, which is the best relief of all). But other than that the pain has been fairly stable recently, hovering around a 5/10 or a 6/10 which is the lowest pain levels I get though I have had a few spikes. 

When the pain gets bad my mind races/over-thinks and all my worries come to the top of my mind. My most recent worry is college. I’ve applied to college for September if you are new to my blog and don’t know already. Firstly I’m worried I won’t get in and then will be a failure as I can’t even get into college. Secondly I’m worried about getting into college and what that will mean. 

I dropped out of school during my A levels, I tried to complete year 12 nearly three times, I did manage one A level in Physical Education but everything else I failed so had to keep re doing it until it got to repeating for the third time and overdosing, and everyone knew it was the best thing for me to drop out as I just couldn’t cope. But I’m scared, no I’m terrified a similar thing will happen at college. Concentrating with the pain has always been hard for me, it makes the pain worse. I’ve been working with my psychologist to introduce studying back into my life in small doses, we started at 5 minutes a day and are now on 15 minutes a day of taekwondo studying for my 2nd Dan grading. It’s been manageable and so far hasn’t made the pain worse. But I’m worried about going to college and having to do long periods of concentrating, having work expected of me, deadlines, assignments, homework etc. And what that will mean for my pain. What happens if it makes the pain unbearable all the time and I can’t cope because of that?! What happens if it causes me to have to drop out cause my pain levels are so high I’m not able to do anything let alone go to college?! I’m not sure I will be able to cope if that happens, and I feel like if that happens I will be dragged back down into that deep dark pit I have been in before and I won’t want to get out again. 

Don’t get me wrong I want to do this, I want to go to college, I want to make something of myself, I want to accept and move on, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life in bed in pain living off my parents, but what happens if the pain won’t let me?! 

 

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