So today is my birthday.

So today is my birthday and I’m now 20 years old, which is hard to believe as personally I think I still look about 15. 

I feel like I’ve done very little with my life so far, mainly because chronic pain and illness took away my last 4 years as a teenager, and I wasn’t able to/didn’t feel able to do anything. Which meant I lost more friends than I can count and failed high school by having to drop out so I never got full the standard A level qualifications. I felt like a failure, everyone around me was doing fine completing school going out drinking on weekends and having a good time but I didn’t feel able to do much of that. I found it hard to be around my friends I just felt so different so I either didn’t go out or I would go out but only stay for an hour because that is all I could handle with feeling like I didn’t quite belong I couldn’t relate to anyone and I couldn’t stand that feeling for long so I would leave. Then everyone went off to uni and I felt left behind, which wasn’t anyone’s fault, normal people move on with their lives, but I didn’t feel like I would ever be able to do that so I was left feeling very stuck, alone and miserable. 

For a long time I thought I would be doomed to spend the rest of my life in bed at home living off my parents for the rest of my life. I didn’t think I would be able to actually do anything due to the pain and the depression the pain brings me. I didn’t see a future that didn’t include pain and misery and if that’s all it was going to consist of then I just didn’t want to continue living. All I felt was darkness all around me and I thought I would never be able to get out. I didn’t feel able to cope with the pain.

Now, well I’m feeling a lot better. Not the pain that’s still the same, but feeling better if that makes sense. I don’t feel quite as miserable and depressed, I feel somewhat okay. And now I feel able to cope with the pain and what that brings me. I’ve come to idea of accepting and being able to move on, and if I don’t say myself I think I’m doing quite a good job of it at the minute. 

I’ve applied to college and have already been offered one interview which I am thrilled about. So fingers crossed I will get in and then in September I will go to college to get some qualifications to be able to go to university, and makes something of myself and be able to help other people despite my pain.

I always knew that when I wanted to make a change I could and I would but it was just getting to that place where I no longer wanted to be consumed by my misery that I wanted to get out of the dark hole I was stuck in. 

I’ve had quite a nice birthday, went out last night with my mum and some family friends for dinner which was lovely. And then today I opened a few presents, just a few little things my mum got me cause I’m getting a new laptop when I go to Dubai in April and that’s my birthday present really. So that was nice, then went for a dog walk with my mum and to the pub for some lunch, and later mum is cooking me a nice meal. Spoke to my sister and my dad earlier on Facetime which was good, and my sister got me a massage as my birthday present from her so I’m looking forward to having that soon. 

So I’m starting a new year of my life with a positive outlook. I may always be in pain but I can’t let that win and take away more of my life than it already has. 


13 thoughts on “So today is my birthday.

  1. You might feel that you haven’t done much with your life, but the fact that you’re now able to feel a bit better and that you’ve managed to accept that you can’t let your pain lead your life shows that you have really come a long way. This isn’t what most people have to do but it’s still an achievement, even if you might not feel you have anything to show for it. Plus you’ve got your college interview. I don’t even know you and I feel proud of you – I hope you’re proud too 🙂 Joanna xx

  2. The looking younger than you are thing gets less annoying as you get older I promise!

    I missed years worth of education with frequent absences since I was 5. I was always on catch up at school. I found it affected some subjects more than others. For example, sciences and maths where you’re building on knowledge; so my strengths were in humanities. I am 34 in a couple of weeks and now have a BA and 2 masters (I like learning!). It may take you a little longer to get there than your peers but you will truly value it when you do. Taking longer to achieve your goals is not a weakness – it shows your strength, determination and resilience because you are persisting against great odds. Those worth having in your life will recognise and respect that.

    If you want to message me at all, please do (you will find contact stuff on my blog). I understand how hard it can be… oh and if you need to, do consider the open uni in future.

    I hope you enjoyed your day


    • Hi, I hope it does, everyone always thinks I’m younger than my sister who is 3 years younger than me, it’s either that or twins, don’t mind the twins part though haha.
      Wow that’s impressive, just read through your qualification list on your blog and that’s amazing. I hope one day I can be successful despite chronic pain, and help others with pain.
      I’ve looked at open uni, but then I found out I could do a access to higher education course which can get me into universities, I think it will be better to be studying around people instead of at home on my own, I don’t think I will be motivated enough to study at home all the time, so I think going to college for this course is a better fit. Well I hope so anyway!

      Thank you!

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