So today is my birthday and I’m now 20 years old, which is hard to believe as personally I think I still look about 15.
I feel like I’ve done very little with my life so far, mainly because chronic pain and illness took away my last 4 years as a teenager, and I wasn’t able to/didn’t feel able to do anything. Which meant I lost more friends than I can count and failed high school by having to drop out so I never got full the standard A level qualifications. I felt like a failure, everyone around me was doing fine completing school going out drinking on weekends and having a good time but I didn’t feel able to do much of that. I found it hard to be around my friends I just felt so different so I either didn’t go out or I would go out but only stay for an hour because that is all I could handle with feeling like I didn’t quite belong I couldn’t relate to anyone and I couldn’t stand that feeling for long so I would leave. Then everyone went off to uni and I felt left behind, which wasn’t anyone’s fault, normal people move on with their lives, but I didn’t feel like I would ever be able to do that so I was left feeling very stuck, alone and miserable.
For a long time I thought I would be doomed to spend the rest of my life in bed at home living off my parents for the rest of my life. I didn’t think I would be able to actually do anything due to the pain and the depression the pain brings me. I didn’t see a future that didn’t include pain and misery and if that’s all it was going to consist of then I just didn’t want to continue living. All I felt was darkness all around me and I thought I would never be able to get out. I didn’t feel able to cope with the pain.
Now, well I’m feeling a lot better. Not the pain that’s still the same, but feeling better if that makes sense. I don’t feel quite as miserable and depressed, I feel somewhat okay. And now I feel able to cope with the pain and what that brings me. I’ve come to idea of accepting and being able to move on, and if I don’t say myself I think I’m doing quite a good job of it at the minute.
I’ve applied to college and have already been offered one interview which I am thrilled about. So fingers crossed I will get in and then in September I will go to college to get some qualifications to be able to go to university, and makes something of myself and be able to help other people despite my pain.
I always knew that when I wanted to make a change I could and I would but it was just getting to that place where I no longer wanted to be consumed by my misery that I wanted to get out of the dark hole I was stuck in.
I’ve had quite a nice birthday, went out last night with my mum and some family friends for dinner which was lovely. And then today I opened a few presents, just a few little things my mum got me cause I’m getting a new laptop when I go to Dubai in April and that’s my birthday present really. So that was nice, then went for a dog walk with my mum and to the pub for some lunch, and later mum is cooking me a nice meal. Spoke to my sister and my dad earlier on Facetime which was good, and my sister got me a massage as my birthday present from her so I’m looking forward to having that soon.
So I’m starting a new year of my life with a positive outlook. I may always be in pain but I can’t let that win and take away more of my life than it already has.