I need this.

I know I’ve been talking about this sort of stuff a lot recently, but it’s a big part of my life right now and it’s what is currently on my mind.

I need a break, (not a break from pain though that would be lovely and I wouldn’t complain one bit), I need a chance, a chance to continue to stay feeling better a chance to move on with my life. My interview for college is in just over two weeks, and I desperately need them to like me enough to accept me and give me a chance to move on with my life, which is what college for me will essentially be. It will be a chance not to dwell on the pain to do something positive and make something of myself, to prove to myself that I can achieve things despite pain, that I can live a full life despite pain. I need the college not to be put off by my medical issues (they can’t legally decline me cause of my medical issues but I’m sure they would find a reason to if they wanted to), I need them to understand that this is what I want and I need it and I can do it. In my application to the college I mentioned I have health issues but I didn’t dwell on it in the essay I wrote, I didn’t focus on it, I focused on the reason I want to do this course, and they asked me for an interview anyway so hopefully that is a good sign. I will answer all questions at the interview honestly however I won’t tell them quite the extent of my past mental health issues as that really would put them off. I need someone to give me a chance so I can prove to them and myself that I can do this.

I’m also desperate for a positive reply from the DVLA, I desperately need good news from them. And I’m scared if it’s not good news I will be dragged back down and retreat into my safe little net of depression.

I need all this, if I don’t get into college I don’t know what I will do, this feels like my only way out of depression my only way to move forward and I’m scared if I don’t get a positive outcome from college or the DVLA (college more so than the DVLA but still both) that I will sink back down and won’t be sure quite how to get back up again.

Going to college is my way of moving forward, my way of not giving into the pain anymore, trying to do something I want to do which hasn’t happened in a long time. I don’t want to continue wasting away my life in bed, feeling future less and doomed to spend the rest of my life in bed living off my parents.  It’s my way out and at the minute I don’t have a back up option, which is probably a bad thing. I suppose I could potentially do an open university degree but that’s not what I really want to do, I want to be normal and actually go to college and then to university, all be it I will be a few years older than the typical university student by then.

I’m scared if this all falls through that I won’t be able to pick myself back up again.

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2 thoughts on “I need this.

  1. In life, regardless of our personal challenges, we must continually deal with adversity and learn that through perseverance and faith we will succeed. Believe it or not, we also learn and gain strength along the way. Don’t worry about being an older student. College is a mixture of all ages. My 44 YO brother and sister in law just started college last year to adjust their career choices. He was tired of being a chef and is studying graphic design, his true passion. My sister in law is getting her accounting degree bc she’s tired of customer service. There have been a few elderly persons graduate recently here in the news (70-80 YO)!! You will love the diversity. So don’t fret over that. I can tell you that there are going to be many times you have to pick yourself up and start over in life. That is life. But it builds character and courage. I could give you a list of obstacles and misfortunes that I’ve personally encountered. But when you get to my age, you will understand that these times are what shapes us into the person we become. Always keep a glass is 1/2 full not 1/2 empty attitude and believe in yourself and you will see remarkable things happen for you. Celebrate the small things and never give up. Remember that we can always start over with the promise of each new day. Believe it or not (and I am not minimizing your illness by any means because I live it everyday), there are many people struggling with health issues more life threatening than NDPH. Go into that interview with a positive, can do attitude. All you need to explain is that you had to take a couple years hiatus from your studying to get your HAs under control, but that you are now ready and excited to move forward with your studies. Anxiety is NDPHs weapon of choice. Don’t allow yourself to over think and stress out. It’s a mind game with yourself and NDPH but YOU are in control!

    • Yeah I’m not too worried or bothered that I will be slightly older than the typical uni student, I just want to be able to go to be honest. I will probably end up being the youngest student on the course at college (when I get in, not if lol) as I’m at the lower end of the age scale of the age of people allowed to apply for the course, it’s 19 and up and I’m 20 now, so it’s highly likely I will be the youngest. Not too bothered about that like I said I just need to go, I need them to give me a chance so I can prove to myself and them that I can do this despite pain!

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