I live with a lot of guilt about what my condition has done to my family. People tell me all the time my family included that I shouldn’t feel guilty that it’s not my fault and they don’t want me to feel guilty. But ultimately it’s my fault as I’m the one who’s sick.
Me and my mum live in England, we moved back from Dubai a year ago when I started getting suicidal again and needed more help than people in Dubai could offer me ,as psychiatric health here is way behind in the times than England and other countries like the US. So we moved back as it wasn’t safe for me to be in Dubai with suicide being illegal and only just getting away with it once, and even then the police asked questions but somehow believed what I said in that it was an accident even though it was quite clear that it wasn’t.
My Dad and sister live in Dubai still, my Dad works here and prefers it here and my sister goes to school here doing her A levels. I constantly feel guilty about living in England with my Mum and my sister not having her. My Dad goes away fairly often for work as he has to for his job, my sister is 16 so is left home alone a fair bit having to fend for herself. So that I feel bad about also, that my Mum is with me and isn’t there to do the normal Mum things like cook dinner for my sister or do her washing etc etc, it’s the little things. I know there are a lot worse off people than my sister but I still feel bad about it.
My sister knows the right buttons to press to annoy me and she often makes comments about being home alone a lot and having to fend for herself. And it really makes me angry and upset, I feel guilty as if it weren’t for my health we would all be living together, so it’s my fault. Saying that my sister was offered to move back to England with us but chose to stay in Dubai. She often makes remarks about if she fails her first year of A levels she will move back to England and go to college there, but I think that would be a huge mistake and that knowing the type of person she is and what she’s like she would hate it, she finds it hard to make friends as it is, and she has friends in Dubai, but I think she would have real problems coming back to England and starting all over there.
I’m tired and fed up, all I want is to see my school counsellor on Sunday which I’m looking forward to and then I just want to go home back to England. Thankfully after that I only have one day left here and then I don’t have to come back till October. Don’t get me wrong I like seeing my sister and my Dad, but after a while I just want to go home, doesn’t help that my ‘friends’ are here and I have such a difficult time when I’m out with them that I don’t like going out with them which leaves me feeling very confused.