It’s a strange feeling but I kind of feel proud of myself for how far I have come in the last few months. I haven’t had the feeling of feeling proud of myself in years to be honest. People always use to tell me, well mainly my school counsellor that I should have felt proud of myself for a lot of things in the past 4 years I have been sick. That I should have felt proud that I achieved pretty good GCSE grades in the 6 months of my illness, that I achieved one A level with a C grade, that I passed my drivers test in Dubai first time. But I didn’t feel proud of myself I always found something to put myself down about. With my A level I didn’t feel any sense of pride for what I had achieved to me I had failed because I was only able to complete one, and then also the fact that I only got a C when I was pegged for an A. To me that was a failure and not something to be proud about. And then there is the whole dropping out of school saga which made me feel even more like a failure. When I think back to them times I still don’t really feel proud for what I achieved when I was going through a rough time, I know I should but I just don’t.
But then there is now, now for the first time in a long time I feel proud for what I have achieved in the past few months. I’ve gone from desperately depressed and suicidal to acceptance and feeling somewhat okay most of the time. Yeah I still have bad days, bad days with the pain and days where I feel miserable because of everything. But generally I’m doing a lot better than I was a few months ago. I took the biggest step in my recovery of throwing away all hoarded medication and choosing that I want to live despite pain, I haven’t self harmed since October, I’ve learnt acceptance and I applied and got offered a place at college. And you know what, I feel pretty darn proud of myself for what I have achieved in the past 2 months.
I use to not like it when people said they were proud of me because I didn’t feel proud myself, but now I don’t mind it. I will never forget what my school counsellor said to me when I was in Dubai the other week; I always bring her her favourite chocolate from England when I visit and I said when I was giving it to her ‘Would I ever let you down and not bring you chocolate’ and she replied with ‘you could never let me down anyway’ and then gave me the biggest hug she has possibly ever given me, and she has said that she is really proud of me, this makes me happy, she is possibly the only person in the world that knows me best, I would say even better than my parents know me. My parents and sister are really proud of me too, and so is a few other close friends. I posted on Facebook that I got into college and currently my status has 80 likes and 30 comments of people congratulating me and saying they are proud of me, which makes me feel really happy and pleased. I don’t think I have ever got that many likes on a Facebook status before.
I feel proud of myself for the first time in years and you know what.. it feels good!