So I’m feeling better than I was a week ago when I postponed my overcoming depression posts as I didn’t feel well enough to write about overcoming depression. I’ve pinpointed what was making me feel bad again and it has been resolved, so I’m back to feeling okay again. It was just a bump in the road, which there is bound to be when struggling with chronic pain and recovering from depression.
I feel like I can now say that I am coming through the other side of my depression, I feel like I can almost say I’m mostly recovered or that I have very mild depression now rather than severe depression with suicidal tendencies. I never thought it was possible to feel mostly okay when struggling with chronic pain. In the beginning back in 2010 when I was struck with my headache to begin with I felt okay, but that didn’t last long and after a month ish I started getting very depressed, since then as you know I’ve struggled with severe depression. I never thought I could get better from it, I thought that my depression and chronic pain were so closely linked and intertwined that if my headache never got better neither would my depression. Clearly I was wrong; it is possible to feel okay despite chronic pain, I know that now. I feel emotionally better than I have in years, yes I’m still in pain all the time, sometimes severe pain and at the times it is very severe I do feel miserable as hell. But each time I pick myself back up, I fight to come through the other side, to wait until the pain calms and gets more bearable and then I start to feel okay again. And when the pain gets bad I know I can get through it because well I’ve done it hundreds of times before.
I’ve been in such dark places in the past four and a half years, places where there was no light, where I thought it would never get any better because the pain was always there. I thought I was destined to spend the rest of my life in bed feeling miserable because I was always in pain. But now everything’s changed, I can see the light, I no longer believe that I am destined to live the rest of my life in bed. That actually I’m meant for much more than that, that I’ve gone through hell and back for a reason. I’m going to college in September to study a course that will get me an alternative qualification to A levels that I need to be able to get into university to study psychology. I want to become a psychologist. Doctors have never helped me, in my 4 and a half years I have been ill I have seen plenty of them, some of them were useless and I loathed, others were genuinely interested in helping me, however they tried everything they could and as it happens my headache just doesn’t respond to any treatment and there is nothing more doctors can do. Psychologists on the other hand have been the only people to have made any impact on me. My school counsellor who is one of my favourite people in the world and my current psychologist have made the most impact. My school counsellor never knew me before I got sick but I started working with her shortly after I got sick, I honestly don’t think I would be alive today if I didn’t have her and I owe her a hell of a lot, we are in different countries now but we still keep in contact a lot and I see her when we are in the same country and she is still always there for me, always at the other end of a text message or a ranty email I send her. She was the one who said I needed to come back to England to get better help, and without that I would never be where I am now. My newest psychologist has helped me a lot also, I wouldn’t be feeling okay if I didn’t have her and she didn’t put me through acceptance and commitment therapy ACT. Which helped me accept my condition, and helped me climb out of the darkness I had been in for over 4 years and back into the light. One day I hope to help someone as much as they have helped me and I am determined to get there.
The other day I emailed my old GP who I saw when I lived in Dubai, and who originally thought I had POTS but advised me back in 2011 that I needed to go back to England to get it diagnosed and treated. She’s really nice and is in the handful of doctors that I like, she even visited me in hospital in 2012 after my overdose. I hadn’t spoken to her since before I left over a year ago now. So I emailed her and told her everything that has happened in the last year and how I’m feeling so much better emotionally now. She was really thankful for the email and said I am one in a handful of patients she has met that have really stood out to her, her words were that I am incredibly insightful, intelligent and mature and that I have a lot to offer the world that I have something special that a lot of people don’t have. Her email really made me smile and I hope she’s right.
I am destined for bigger things than lying in bed in pain, and I will work my ass off over the next few years to get there, despite the pain.