The longest I’ve been clean.

So I got clean from self harm in October and I haven’t cut since. This isn’t the first time I’ve got clean from it, there have been several, I stop cutting for one reason or another, last a few months and then have a break down and relapse. But this time it has been the longest I have been without cutting, 9 months now, which I guess is pretty good. I don’t even feel the urge to cut anymore it’s not something I want to do anymore or feel compelled and addicted to do. Yeah, sometimes when I see a sharp object I always think what it would be like to cut myself with, I think that but I don’t want to do it or like I said feel compelled to cut with it anymore. It’s just merely my mind wondering, I’ve spoken to recovered self harmers before and one thing one of them said was that even now after being clean for years they always look at sharp objects and wonder what cutting with it would be like. I guess because we know what cutting is like and how it can make you feel we will always wonder. Don’t get me wrong, saying this doesn’t mean I want to start self harming again because I don’t and I don’t even feel the urge to when things start to head south. I’m quite proud of myself that I’ve been clean for 9 months, before that I spent the ‘best’ part of 4 years self harming so for me this is quite an achievement.

Things are moving forward in my life at the minute, I’ve got a college interview on Wednesday at the other college I applied to, probably will decline the offer if I get one but I’m going to the interview anyway as you never know. I might be applying for a job at a local supermarket for some part time weekends work starting in September, however whether I will get the job is a whole other story. The supermarket are expanding and taking on another 120 people, so there is 120 jobs going, so I’m going to apply and see where it goes.

And then I have some really exciting Tae Kwon Do news, I can’t share it all with you guys because it’s top secret, but my instructor wants me to take my instructors qualification, I took three lessons on my own last week whilst my instructor was on holiday and I did a really good job, my instructor heard from several people that they were really impressed with me and I was very mature when handling the very naughty children that I was teaching. Really excited about the fact that my instructor thinks I’m good enough to take my instructors, you have to understand it’s taken me a lot to get here. I started Tae Kwon Do when I was 8, I got my black belt when was 13, but I was an absolute nightmare to teach, I messed around, I didn’t do it properly and I certainly didn’t put any sort of effort into anything. It wasn’t just me I had a group of friends there who were exactly the same and we kind of fueled each other, but I’m the only one who stuck with it and is still training. But my instructor refers to me as one of the worst he has ever taught, I don’t mind because I train bloody hard now, do it properly and to the best of my ability; which is high, and if I do say so myself now pretty darn good. He uses me as an example of comparing me to how I use to be and then what I’m like now, basically I just grew up and grew to love the sport, so much I train five times a week. So it makes me extremely happy and excited that I’m now considered good enough to take my instructors and not to mention take my 2nd Dan (next level of black belt) in April. It gets a lot better but I have to refrain myself from telling anyone, so I guess you will just have to wait on that one!

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4 thoughts on “The longest I’ve been clean.

  1. Thanks for sharing. Not cutting for 9 months that i not a “I guess that is pretty good” that IS really good. Congratulations. Keep up the work. It takes determination to stop something you truly enjoyed doing like self harming. I’ve been 2 years clean since my last cut. I am just like you when I see a sharp idea I always gaze and wonder what it would feel like against my skin and what the blood would like coming out of it but then I try to find a positive distraction and focus on something happy. Awesome progress. Sending positive vibes your way :).

  2. Wow, well done! Being clean for 9 months is a real achievement; I agree with phoenix42013 above! And that’s so great about your progress in tae kwon do πŸ™‚ Really glad you have a sport that you love. Lots of congratulations πŸ™‚ xx

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