As many of you know I dropped out of high school on my third attempt to complete year 12, shortly after my overdose which landed me in the ICU for 3 days. School just wasn’t working for me, I was horribly depressed and the pain was god awful and attempting to concentrate at school was near impossible because of the pain and I just really didn’t see the point in school due to the fact I didn’t even want to live. Dropping out was the last thing I wanted but school wasn’t right for me at that point in my life.
Up until recently I hadn’t done any studying in nearly two years. Partly because I didn’t have anything to study for and partly because I was scared it would increase my pain levels and I just couldn’t cope with it making it worse and having to deal with the higher pain levels because of it. But when I started working with my psychologist we introduced short periods of studying to get me back into it, studying Tae Kwon Do theory for my next black belt Dan grade, which has actually yet again been postponed due to not having all the required things done at the right times meaning I can’t grade for another year till I have them things, but that’s a story for another day. We started with 5 minutes a day and worked our way up to 20 minutes a day by the time I left therapy. It was manageable and didn’t effect my pain levels too much.
I knew I would have to step it up because of going to college in September and having to go back to studying. But this was a way to ease back into studying and see how it affected me.
Two weeks ago I finally received my provisional drivers licence meaning I had to start learning my theory for my theory test. Here in the UK you have to do a theory test and pass it before you can put in for a practical one, it’s 50 multiple choice questions and you have to get 43/50 to pass, and then also a hazard awareness test which you watch several videos of driving and have to click when you see a hazard. So I’ve been studying for that for two weeks pretty intensely. Usually I spend rather a lot of time watching TV shows (most of the time I have nothing better to do) but over the past two weeks I have hardly watched an episode of anything, I’ve been studying pretty much constantly for my theory test which is on Monday. Yesterday and today I spent the whole day, minus the evenings as we had friends round for BBQ’s both nights. But other than that I have spent the whole time doing practice questions on different topics, mock tests and reading my highway code. I have a day and a half left to study before my test but I’ve been passing all my mock tests with high scores so I’m sure I will be fine, well hopefully anyway!
But you know what? It has hardly effected my pain levels, my pain levels have been pretty much their typical unpredictable self. Yesterday wasn’t great but I’m pretty sure that’s not related to the studying because it was like that even before I started yesterday, pretty much as soon as I woke up.
This has instilled some confidence in me that come September when college starts all the concentrating and studying will be okay with my pain levels. I’m really looking forward to college, I like learning things and I liked school when I was there and well and able to study properly. And this time it’s different, yeah I’m still in pain and yes because of that it’s not always going to be easy, but this time I’m not depressed, this time I want to live, this time I see the point in studying. I think I will enjoy going back to studying and I’m determined to do well despite the pain.