Things aren’t much better, actually they’re no where near better. I had an awful week followed by an awful weekend and day off of college and things aren’t much better today. The pain has been horrific, this weekend I managed to go to work on Sunday, thankfully it only turned out to be a 2 hour shift which was more like 1 hour but it was a pretty busy hour, the bar was packed. I got through it but when I got home I just collapsed in bed, it hurt too much to move. By Monday morning I thought the pain was a bit better which was good because I had a driving lesson, but as I was driving with my instructor down the road the pain cranked up a notch, I got through the 2 hour lesson though and managed it okay, but after getting home I was in a whole other world of pain. The rest of the day was meant to consist of some much needed college work, but instead it consisted of staying in bed because it hurt too much to do anything and all I was left with was the god awful pain and my depressing miserable thoughts.
Still struggling with my mood, acceptance and positivity has gone out the window and I’m left feeling angry and miserable because of the pain. Angry that I’m in pain all the time, miserable because I’m in pain all the time, so god damn tired of being in pain all the time, and not to forget the fact that it the pain hurts so much all the bloody time. I’m back to putting on this front, the front that everything is fine and there is nothing wrong with me, I put it on in my lessons at college, I go to college every day I need to be in and act like I’m fine in lessons because that’s the front but inside my head is just so screwed up with pain and anger and misery and not to mention hard to concentrate with the pain and also my thoughts, though over the years I have perfected this front. But when I’m alone I just sit here in pain and feeling all these negative emotions that I can’t seem to budge or get back to almost seeing clearly, to get back to feeling a bit better like I had been not so long ago. I don’t know how to get back there, I don’t see how I can, I don’t see how to get past the fact that being in pain all the time is ‘okay’ because it’s not. I don’t see how anyone can possibly help me, doctors can’t, psychologists have tried, but if I’m back to feeling not so good about everything so what more can they do for me. Surely I’m beyond helping now, I feel helpless and I make everyone around me feel helpless because the truth is that no one can take away my pain so what can they do for me?!
Right now I’m meant to be typing up my first sociology assignment draft, but my heads not really in it, and not to mention my sociology teacher is useless and I have no clue where to start. So I might just go hibernate in bed till I can sleep, and then it will be another day at college with the ‘I’m fine’ front that I’m so good at.