I’m struggling and I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I have been somewhat absent recently, I’ve been trying to write this post for the past week or so but I’ve really been having trouble with it and admitting to myself that I am an absolute hypocrite. I talk a lot on here about recovery from depression, which I had been experiencing for the past 6 months or so. I talk about how it is possible and I know it is because I had been so much better emotionally through acceptance of my condition. But I’ve had a set back and as well as feeling pretty down I feel like I am the biggest hypocrite because I’ve spoken so much about recovery, and I hate to admit it, but I’m not doing so good. I feel down, not like severely down or depressed like I have been in the past but I’m not doing so good emotionally. I’ve lost my positivity, my hope and my acceptance and I don’t know how to get back there and I don’t think I can.

I can’t seem to find the right words to explain how I am feeling but it’s not too good. My head hurts and it hurts all the time and I feel miserable about it. I’ve lost my acceptance of my condition and I’m struggling to get back there. Why should I accept something that shouldn’t be there and isn’t okay, because the truth is it’s not okay to be in constant pain. I feel weak and like I am letting everyone down by feeling like this. I’ve had so many people tell me over the past 6 months that I’m strong, that they are proud of me. But they don’t know I’m struggling again and if they did know I feel like I would have failed them because I’m not strong and they shouldn’t be proud of me. I’m starting to fall down the rabbit hole of depression again, and I’m not sure how to get back out. I feel like I’m a lost cause again that no one can help and that maybe for me complete recovery of depression just doesn’t exist due to the intense pain I am always in.

I am only human and I do have chronic pain which has it’s ups and downs but I feel as if I have failed my readers by feeling bad again and that I am a hypocrite for talking about recovery and then starting to go downhill, so I am sorry. I know it is possible to recover from depression and if you have depression and you are reading this it is possible to feel better but maybe it’s just not possible for me to get completely better from depression due to chronic pain. Maybe I’m just not strong enough to keep my acceptance going, I feel weak and I feel like a failure.

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4 thoughts on “I’m struggling and I’m sorry.

  1. Sian, please don’t apologise to us. It was amazing that you were going through a stage of acceptance but ultimately of course you’re going to have low times, so you’re not being hypocritical at all; this is natural. You haven’t failed the people who are proud of you – you’re being incredibly brave to admit you’re going through a bad time, and I am proud of you for that 🙂 It’s so hard to openly say “I’m not doing so well”. Please don’t think of yourself as a failure! I and all your readers are behind you whether you are accepting your pain or feel that you are in the worst place in the world xxxx

  2. I really feel for you. My 28 year old daughter was diagnosed just over 6 months ago. She is still in denial as she doesn’t want to have it. I see her pain, she is in the final stages of doing her PHD and is struggling to find time when she isn’t in pain to finish. She finds running long distances helps her and sometimes gives her a good day. Not always. She has also gone through just about every test there is, but they can’t find anything wrong so each neurosurgeon calls it something different. She is so moody and looks like she now has bi- polar as well. I prey that a cure will be found for all sufferers!

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