Not so good.

Things aren’t much better, actually they’re no where near better. I had an awful week followed by an awful weekend and day off of college and things aren’t much better today. The pain has been horrific, this weekend I managed to go to work on Sunday, thankfully it only turned out to be a 2 hour shift which was more like 1 hour but it was a pretty busy hour, the bar was packed. I got through it but when I got home I just collapsed in bed, it hurt too much to move. By Monday morning I thought the pain was a bit better which was good because I had a driving lesson, but as I was driving with my instructor down the road the pain cranked up a notch, I got through the 2 hour lesson though and managed it okay, but after getting home I was in a whole other world of pain. The rest of the day was meant to consist of some much needed college work, but instead it consisted of staying in bed because it hurt too much to do anything and all I was left with was the god awful pain and my depressing miserable thoughts.

Still struggling with my mood, acceptance and positivity has gone out the window and I’m left feeling angry and miserable because of the pain. Angry that I’m in pain all the time, miserable because I’m in pain all the time, so god damn tired of being in pain all the time, and not to forget the fact that it the pain hurts so much all the bloody time. I’m back to putting on this front, the front that everything is fine and there is nothing wrong with me, I put it on in my lessons at college, I go to college every day I need to be in and act like I’m fine in lessons because that’s the front but inside my head is just so screwed up with pain and anger and misery and not to mention hard to concentrate with the pain and also my thoughts, though over the years I have perfected this front. But when I’m alone I just sit here in pain and feeling all these negative emotions that I can’t seem to budge or get back to almost seeing clearly, to get back to feeling a bit better like I had been not so long ago. I don’t know how to get back there, I don’t see how I can, I don’t see how to get past the fact that being in pain all the time is ‘okay’ because it’s not. I don’t see how anyone can possibly help me, doctors can’t, psychologists have tried, but if I’m back to feeling not so good about everything so what more can they do for me. Surely I’m beyond helping now, I feel helpless and I make everyone around me feel helpless because the truth is that no one can take away my pain so what can they do for me?!

Right now I’m meant to be typing up my first sociology assignment draft, but my heads not really in it, and not to mention my sociology teacher is useless and I have no clue where to start. So I might just go hibernate in bed till I can sleep, and then it will be another day at college with the ‘I’m fine’ front that I’m so good at.

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12 thoughts on “Not so good.

  1. I am in a similar situation, I have sciatica which gets me really down, I suffer with depression anyway which doesn’t help. there are some days I can not move and just cant stop the thoughts from entering my head about negativity. hope your pain and mood get better! xxx

  2. I wrote you this very long comment….and then I accidentally erased it. duh.
    I am so sorry.
    I do not have chronic daily headaches to the extreme you do.
    I do have pain every day. I have migraines…luckily not as often as I used to. Now I also have cluster headaches, they are referred to as suicide headaches…I can only say that I’m lucky mine are not as bad as many, as mine do not last as long and my clusters do not come in as many. (may this please continue to be this way)

    My biggest nemesis is vertigo. I don’t have vertigo all the time. I do feel disequilibrium all the time, but I can handle that. and I can handle slight vertigo, and the feeling like I’m on a boat vertigo, it’s the OMG violent spinning where I can’t even tell what it is in front of me, kind of vertigo I can’t stand. This is torture beyond any measure I can think of. I try to accept every part of my life. The pain, all of my illnesses, everything. I practice mindfulness every day. I do a good job. then it hits. I had a very severe attack on Saturday. I literally thought I would die. I had an asthma attack during this vertigo attack. I was vomiting and couldn’t breath and couldn’t focus and it was terrifying. I never know when it will hit, when it will stop…..I always fear it will not stop. I’ve never had the asthma at the same time before. it was just so terrifying…there is no other word I can come up with but it just sounds so tiny compared to how I felt.
    But it ended.
    I do always live knowing it can start again any moment. I have a lot of mini vertigo attacks. Spinning a little but they don’t last long, my mindfulness practice has helped me control many of them. But then I’ll have this. I never know when one of those little guys will become this. I can’t drive, what if this happens?
    But I do have moments of reprieve. I live in a world of just never knowing.

    I do think accepting helps. I work hard to accept my life the way it is. It does help the stress ,and it helps with most days. I still haven’t been able to accept those very bad attack times. I try, and I think I have….then it gets to me, ya know?

    I’m so proud of you that you can concentrate on your studies.
    Pain is just so consuming.

    I just wanted you to know, I feel for you, in a small way, I feel your pain….or rather I understand how you feel.

    • Hi Wendy,
      The vertigo sounds awful (headache clusters too) but I get how you feel with the attacks kind of, I have POTS and use to have it so severely I would pass out and have seizures every time I stood up, there was a slight warning as in that I knew it would probably happen because I have stood up but I kind of get how you feel I always lived in fear that it would happen in public. It sounds like it must be really tough for you though.
      Thank you and I feel for you too. xx

  3. It’s okay to struggle sometimes. We’re only human, after all. It’s brave of you to share your story, and I can definitely relate. I have lots of bad days among the good ones, and it is a challenge to deal with. Just keep going. 🙂
    -Kelly

  4. Hey Sian, really feeling for you at the moment.
    I’m wondering if you have considered that maybe you should rethink your weekend job? It sounds like even a short shift is too much for you at the moment if you’re collapsing as soon as it’s done. Of course, this is only my opinion, but maybe focusing on college and your driving lessons might be best for you at the moment? I know you have written about how they are both so important to you, so it sound like they should be your main focus. I don’t think this is giving up, though, I think it’s just reassessing your priorities and not pushing yourself too much. (Although if it helps you to keep busy by going to work, then stick to it – just a thought :))
    Really well done on managing to get to college though when you’re in so much pain – I think it’s amazing that you can do that despite everything you’re feeling. If you don’t know where to start with your sociology, maybe you should talk to the teacher and explain that you might need some help. You haven’t studied for a while, after all, so that plus the pain means that it’s absolutely okay to ask for help, even if you might not want to. Hopefully once you have managed to draft one assignment then you will be able to manage the next one a bit better.
    Sorry for the long message, but I hope this helps a little bit, and I wish I could help more. If you need someone to talk to, do message me on Facebook; I will be happy to listen if need be 🙂
    Wishing for a better week for you this week xxxx

    • Hi Joanna, thanks.
      Currently in the process of deciding whether or not to drop down to part time at college and only do 2 days a week over 2 years instead of full time 4 days a week over 1 year. But there are so many different pros and cons to it so I don’t really know what to do to be honest. But I don’t want to feel like a failure for having to drop to part time which I know ultimately it’s not but I know that’s how I would sort of feel. But at the minute the weekends are terrible with the level of pain I’m in, I think college 4 days a week is taking it’s toll and I’m having to need a lot of time to recover, so maybe doing it over 2 years with less work a week might work better for me. Like you said I have gone from doing absolutely nothing to doing loads.
      Still stuck on the sociology, haven’t even started yet and the draft is due Friday, think I’m going to ask for a bit of an extension and ask for help on Friday. Though I think if I do decide to drop down to part time I will do sociology next year, so kind of just waiting on myself to make a decision also if you get me.
      Hopefully I will be able to make a decision soon. Thanks Joanna 🙂 xxx

      • I didn’t know it was an option for you to be able to do part time, but it really does sound like it could be better for you. I know it feels like you’re failing but what you’re really doing is looking after yourself. I think your poor body must be feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment and when you were feeling more accepting that was okay and you were managing but now you might need to step back a bit because 4 day is a lot. I know it’s really hard to think about it but I know you don’t want your weekends to be consumed by the pain.
        I can’t remember if I’ve told you but I dropped out of uni at one stage due to my mental health, which was really hard, but I know now it was the right decision because I needed the time to get a bit better and think about what to do next. I wasn’t even sure I would ever be able to contemplate finishing uni but I did manage to get my degree in the end, later than I’d hoped but I have it now, and my health hasn’t got as bad as it was then although it does fluctuate a lot. So maybe going down to part-time is right, because then you might still be able to do it but just take a bit longer. 🙂
        Yeah, that makes sense, no point in working over the sociology for nothing if you don’t need to do it till next year!
        I hope you manage to sort this out in your head and make a decision soon. It’s really tough but at least you’re thinking about it now rather than forcing yourself through the year feeling miserable. I realise I have been very biased here towards you doing college part-time because I think that’s what sounds right to me, but you know yourself much better so I’m sure you will make the right decision whatever it is, even if it takes some time 🙂 xxxx

      • Yeah it is an option but I really wanted to prove to myself that I could do this and do it in a year.
        But yeah I think it’s just all building up so much during the week that I spend all weekend in even more intense pain and have to stay in bed all weekend.
        No you haven’t told me that before, sounds like it was a good thing for you to drop out and focus on your health for a bit, and it’s good you managed to go back and complete your degree.
        Thanks, there’s a lot of factors and pros and cons to consider, hopefully I will be able to sort out a decision soon. 🙂 xxx

      • Aww, poor Sian 😦
        Yeah it was tough, but it was best for my health then, although it’s only now that I’m really thinking about how to take care of myself more (thanks to the Pillow Fort!)
        Best of luck with your decision 🙂 xxxx

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