Dear my never ending headache,

I don’t know why you came, and I will probably never know the answer to that question but you are not welcome here, you never were and never will be. I may not ever understand why this happened or what I did to deserve you but I am tired of you causing me severe pain every second of the day. It’s too much and I can’t take it. I am tired of the way you make me feel, of the person you have turned me into, of what you have done to me and and thus to my family.

You make me miserable and depressed because of the severe pain you cause me, you make me unable to live my life properly and happily, because I will never be truly happy again as long as you are here. And I will probably never fully recover from the depression you have caused me as long as I am in pain.

It kills me that I have to endure so much pain all the time, you have destroyed me and everything in my life and taken away so much. And it makes me angry and depressed that I have to suffer through this probably for the rest of my life. I don’t know why you chose me to inflict pain on, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone else. Not even my own worse enemy, because no one deserves to endure this much pain all the time. Though I wish that some people could walk in my shoes for a day with you so they could see how hard and painful this is for me. Then maybe they would understand, because no one truly understands what this is like other than other ‘never ending headache’ NDPH sufferers.

You make me so helpless because you are so resistant to treatments and there is nothing more anyone can do for me, and I don’t know how I can live the rest of my life in so much pain.

If I was religious then I would pray for you to go, but I’m not religious, and I feel in my heart that I am never going to be pain free again. Which is really hard to live with and cope with and I’m not sure how to go on. I beg you to leave me alone but I know that will probably never happen, so I sit here in pain, helpless and alone unsure of how to go on.

If you had any mercy you would go, but I know that we are probably stuck together for the long haul which tears me up inside. All I beg of you is to leave me alone and let me live my life, I’m desperate and I’m begging, so please.

Your’s sincerely
Sian

Advertisements

The front.

Do you ever feel like you have to put on a front? Like the ‘I’m okay/fine front’ for everyone to see but inside you just feel so much pain, so much misery.

To look at me you would think I was fine, you wouldn’t think that I’ve had a headache 24/7 for nearly 5 years, you wouldn’t know I was depressed. People are always surprised when I tell them, that and they are surprised to hear that such thing exists as a constant headache. But I put on this front, mainly at college and Tae Kwon-Do training, mainly when I’m just around other people. It’s the ‘I’m fine’ front and it’s exhausting. But I don’t want people to see how weak I am and how bad I feel about everything right now.

I’m in flare up, the pain even more god awful and has been for nearly 2 weeks. I feel miserable, helpless and alone.

I’ve got this week (so Tuesday and Wednesday) left at college and then it’s half term and I’m off to Dubai on Thursday. I am looking forward to going but I just hope I come out of flare up before then and that going to Dubai doesn’t increase my pain levels even more. But it will be nice to see my Dad and sister and celebrate my Mum’s birthday which is whilst we are there.

Will I ever be free?

Will I ever be free from this pain? Most probably not, and I’m not sure how to cope with that anymore. I was doing so well in the past 6 or so months, I still had so much pain but the depression had mostly lifted. But I’m back, not back to where I was when I was at my worst, but not good.

I’m never going to be free from this pain, I’m always going to be in pain and I thought I was starting to be semi okay with that, that I could cope, but I’m not okay with that at all. And maybe that makes me weak, I don’t know. But I’m not okay, how can I be, I’m in a lot of pain all the god damn time. And I can’t do anything about it, there’s nothing left for me to try to attempt to ease the pain in my head, so I sit here feeling helpless, miserable and alone. No one can help me, and that’s a fact. So what do I do?

I feel weak, weak for my acceptance going out the window, weak for letting the pain get the best of me again, weak for feeling miserable because of the pain. And I’m fed up of people saying ‘well you look good’ it’s like them saying ‘oh you can’t possibly be in pain or be feeling miserable if you’ve got dressed and put make up on and are out of the house’ and it’s pissing me off. I know I look a lot better than I did a year ago, but that’s mainly because I’m off all of the horrible medications and I’ve lost over 2 stone in weight. It doesn’t mean I’m not in a lot of pain, which I am pretty good at hiding, most of the time anyway.

I’m in pain, I’m fed up, I’m feeling rather miserable and I’m not sure how to get out!

Part time.

Firstly I want to thank everyone who replied to my last post about going part time with college, all your advice really helped me make my decision and feel a bit better about it. I haven’t had much guidance with this decision due to the people who I normally talk to about these sort of things unable to reply to my emails about it. So everyone’s advice on here was really helpful, so thank you!

I made my mind up eventually and have decided to drop to part time with college doing my course over 2 years instead of 1. Today I saw my course tutor who agreed it and took me out of the two subjects I am now doing next year instead of this year, I know I’ve made the right and healthiest decision for my physical and mental health, so hopefully that might improve with me doing a bit less each week.
Though I wouldn’t say I’m doing too great right now with everything. I feel rather lost and alone at the minute and I have so much stuff going on my head with my thoughts surrounding the pain and how I’m feeling and no one to talk to about any of it. I’ve emailed my old psychologist about everything but I haven’t heard back debating emailing her again but I don’t know cause I don’t want to pester her and I have no clue she might even be on holiday so that could be why she hasn’t replied, so maybe I will leave it a bit longer.

Debating with myself.

I have this internal struggle going on right now, I’m having an internal debate with myself and I’m really unsure what to do.

As many of you know I started college a month ago, I do like going to college and having stuff to learn and things to work towards and I’ve met some really nice people, but I am struggling. My pain has taken a hit, the past three weekends, practically since I started college I’ve been in severe pain practically all weekend having to recover from the 4 days a week at college and the evenings after college are not much better. My mood has also started to decline as you may have read in my last two posts, so all in all I’m not doing so well.

I have the option to go part time with college, so doing the course over 2 years, which will be 2 days at college a week and doing 2 subjects this year and 2 next year. I’ve always had this option but I really wanted to be able to manage to do the course in a year. But with things the way they are I’m debating with myself about dropping to part time instead of full time like I am attempting to do now. There are so many pros and cons to consider though and I’m really unsure what to do.
If I went to part time, I would hopefully not be in quite as much pain during my days off college because I would be doing less, I would have more time to focus on each subject, more time to do the homework and assignments and therefore hopefully better grades, and if I had a bad day (or a few because that’s what usually happens) it wouldn’t be quite as detrimental to my college work if I wasn’t able to do any work on a particular day because I would have more days off to get the work done. I would be doing half the work this year and half next so maybe that would be better.
But on the other hand I don’t want to feel like I have failed myself for not being able to do the course in a year like I wanted, or I don’t want it to cause me to feel more miserable because I have less distraction time, not that it’s particularly helping at the minute anyway though.
I know at the minute I’m struggling and my gut says just to make the decision and drop to part time but then in my head I have all these thoughts going around about being a failure again, but I suppose I would feel even more like a failure if I pushed myself to do it in a year and didn’t get good enough grades to get into uni because I was struggling so much. But I’m just so hesitant to make the decision.

I really need to discuss this with someone who I know will give me some good advice about what to do but the two people I always get good advice from haven’t replied to my email yet. So if any of you lovely people have any advice about what you think I should do I would love to hear it!