Will I ever be free from this pain? Most probably not, and I’m not sure how to cope with that anymore. I was doing so well in the past 6 or so months, I still had so much pain but the depression had mostly lifted. But I’m back, not back to where I was when I was at my worst, but not good.
I’m never going to be free from this pain, I’m always going to be in pain and I thought I was starting to be semi okay with that, that I could cope, but I’m not okay with that at all. And maybe that makes me weak, I don’t know. But I’m not okay, how can I be, I’m in a lot of pain all the god damn time. And I can’t do anything about it, there’s nothing left for me to try to attempt to ease the pain in my head, so I sit here feeling helpless, miserable and alone. No one can help me, and that’s a fact. So what do I do?
I feel weak, weak for my acceptance going out the window, weak for letting the pain get the best of me again, weak for feeling miserable because of the pain. And I’m fed up of people saying ‘well you look good’ it’s like them saying ‘oh you can’t possibly be in pain or be feeling miserable if you’ve got dressed and put make up on and are out of the house’ and it’s pissing me off. I know I look a lot better than I did a year ago, but that’s mainly because I’m off all of the horrible medications and I’ve lost over 2 stone in weight. It doesn’t mean I’m not in a lot of pain, which I am pretty good at hiding, most of the time anyway.
I’m in pain, I’m fed up, I’m feeling rather miserable and I’m not sure how to get out!