Will I ever be free?

Will I ever be free from this pain? Most probably not, and I’m not sure how to cope with that anymore. I was doing so well in the past 6 or so months, I still had so much pain but the depression had mostly lifted. But I’m back, not back to where I was when I was at my worst, but not good.

I’m never going to be free from this pain, I’m always going to be in pain and I thought I was starting to be semi okay with that, that I could cope, but I’m not okay with that at all. And maybe that makes me weak, I don’t know. But I’m not okay, how can I be, I’m in a lot of pain all the god damn time. And I can’t do anything about it, there’s nothing left for me to try to attempt to ease the pain in my head, so I sit here feeling helpless, miserable and alone. No one can help me, and that’s a fact. So what do I do?

I feel weak, weak for my acceptance going out the window, weak for letting the pain get the best of me again, weak for feeling miserable because of the pain. And I’m fed up of people saying ‘well you look good’ it’s like them saying ‘oh you can’t possibly be in pain or be feeling miserable if you’ve got dressed and put make up on and are out of the house’ and it’s pissing me off. I know I look a lot better than I did a year ago, but that’s mainly because I’m off all of the horrible medications and I’ve lost over 2 stone in weight. It doesn’t mean I’m not in a lot of pain, which I am pretty good at hiding, most of the time anyway.

I’m in pain, I’m fed up, I’m feeling rather miserable and I’m not sure how to get out!


9 thoughts on “Will I ever be free?

  1. Hi Sian, you poor girl, l read what you and my daughter are going through, and l wouldn’t wish this on anyone. You are not alone, others out there have the same, l know how much my daughter suffers and all l can say or what she wants to hear from me, its OK, it will go away, and of course a big hug. Those that are ignorant will never understand, it brings a tear to my eye knowing the pain you and my daughter are in. If l were there l would give you a hug. My daughter also feels alone as she also thinks people don’t understand. Because its not a common illness people don’t know much about it, that is a shame.

    • Thank you for your kind words Mea. Yeah people are always surprised when I tell them that I’ve had a headache for nearly 5 years, people know nothing about the condition. There is little awareness of it so most people have never heard of it, I suppose that’s normal though, I mean I had never heard of it till it happened to me.

  2. Hi Sian. My heart goes out to you. NDPH is such an awful chronic condition. My daughter is only 11 months with this but I can identify with your comments. She is mostly coping with the pain and like you looking much better. Even family think that because she looks better she must be better. It’s ok to have time when you feel down. You will have better days. You are doing so well going to college and taking control of your life. Just take a day at a time and know there are lots of people wishing you well.

  3. Are you still seeing a therapist, Sian? I know it’s not an ultimate cure but it might help you a bit. I have been to see a couple of people before and even if everything doesn’t help I do have a couple of ideas that I still make use of. I have also made myself a self care/self help book in a notebook giving myself inspiring little quotes and reminding me of things I like to do and what’s most important to me when I’m feeling rubbish. Maybe you could try doing something like that for yourself? Just a thought 🙂
    It’s great that your body is looking better now you’ve stopped taking the medications, though 🙂 Wish I could do more, but know that I am thinking of you. So glad that you are not at your absolute worst again xx

    • No not at the moment, but I’ve emailed my old psychologist but it’s been over a week and she hasn’t replied yet, so I don’t really know what to do about that. And my old school counsellor isn’t replying either. I’ve finally got an appointment to see the college counsellor this week, so will see how that goes.
      Interestingly enough, I started making one of them during summer, mainly a nice quote book of positive quotes I like, I have all the quotes but I never got around to writing them in the note pad.
      Thanks Joanna 🙂 xxx

      • Great, sorry you haven’t heard from your old psychologist and counsellor but fingers crossed you do soon. Best of luck with seeing your college counsellor, it sounds like the right step 🙂
        Ooh, cool, sounds great! I’ve used lots of colours in mine to try and make it look cheerful, I just add a little bit every now and again.
        Take care xxxx

  4. Hi Sian, I am so sorry to hear about your suffering… NDPH is a terrible, terrible diagnosis… In one month I will have suffered from NDPH for exactly 8 years… It has definitely been life changing. I hope you find something that helps, if you ever want to ask questions or just vent I am here! You can message me or leave a comment on my blog or email me. I pray you find relief and success and the pain goes away as it came… ❤ Nichole
    Email – Silentlaughter2486@gmail.com

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s