I need to get back on track instead of sitting here being miserable, depressed and angry because of my pain. It doesn’t help. This secondary suffering i.e. the depression the pain causes me isn’t beneficial it’s destructive. Somehow I have managed to let the pain take over my life again and to be defined and destroyed by it.
I saw one of my favourite people in the world when I was in Dubai last week, the one person that probably knows and understands me best in the world. I am so lucky and grateful to have her because I honestly don’t know what I would do without her or where I would be if I had never met her. She always gives me a good honest talking to and advice and I know it comes from a place of love and talking to her always makes me feel better. She saw this breakdown coming a while ago due to me taking on so much after so long of doing not a lot. She described it as being like a seesaw, on one end would be my demands and on the other my support. And that currently my demands were way higher than my support, demands now being things like college, work and Tae Kwon-Do. And support being things like acceptance and mindfulness, pacing, positive thinking and challenging negative thoughts and of course her. She said my demands had increased so much but my support had decreased, which is why I’ve had sort of a melt-down, breakdown, relapse, whatever you want to call it because my support was almost nothing. I also got a bit of a telling off, as when she told me to contact my old psychologist to make an appointment I did so. But I did it by email and then I waited 2 weeks for a reply rather than picking up the phone and calling her to make an appointment, because I thought it would be too weird to call her. But maybe if I had called her and got an appointment then maybe I wouldn’t have got quite so bad.
She said that I need to increase my support again, so that it balances out on that seesaw with my demands. She has let me borrow a book that is about mindfulness for health and pain, I have read the first two chapters and so far I like it. There is a CD too with mindfulness meditation recordings to listen to and practice as well. I have the closest appointment date with my old psychologist that I could book, due to the fact that she is away for the two weeks prior. I know I need to re add all the techniques I learnt back into my life and make time for them, but it is hard especially when you are feeling so low, but I suppose that is the best time to do them. It is much easier to be depressed to be honest, recovery is hard and takes a lot of work for the rest of your life, so it’s a big commitment.
I will admit to despite the amount of stuff in my life I have taken on at the minute, this time of year through to about February I always struggle. I have bad memories surrounding my suicide attempt which was end of September 2012. Then it’s the lead up to January, my headaches anniversary date, which always sends me into a bit of a deep dark hole.
I know that I will never get to where I want to be unless I get back to a place of mental stability. If I don’t I don’t think that I will be able to be what I want to be, and achieve the things that I want to achieve. I have just got to find it within myself to be able to be strong enough to not let the pain control and define me like I have for the past month or so, to be able to accept my condition again. Apparently it’s easier to do the second time around because you know you can do it as you have done it before. But I’m unsure of how to apply my support into my life again, especially the pacing with college and everything. It is also so very hard to add these things back in when you are in a constant state of misery. I know I need to get back on track with everything but I’m just unsure of how to get there when I’m feeling bad, I know I’ve done it before but when I did it before I had practically no demands and now I have a lot in the scheme of things.
I know it’s not all going to be rosy and there will be bad days, but at the minute the bad days are every day, bad pain days, bad emotion days, bad everything days. I need to be able to cope with the bad days so if I am having a particularly difficult day pain wise and thus emotion wise I accept that it is out of control and just let the emotions wash over myself without getting involved and living despite the pain. Which at the minute isn’t happening, at the minute I just let it control me and live in a constant state of misery which isn’t good and will get me no where, if anything it’s easier than working to feel okay and stable.
But I was there not so long ago and I need to get back there, but I’m not entirely sure how.