In 17 days time I will be off up to London for my yearly neurology visit. This time last year I was told there was nothing more they could do for me, so it’s safe to say I’m not exactly expecting him to have come up with something even though a year has passed. I will probably have to wait ages to see my neuro because no doubt he will be running late. Last year I was the first appointment of the day, 3 hours after my appointment time he still hadn’t even arrived at the hospital, which is ridiculous.
It would be nice to go into the appointment and for him to have come up with something to help me, but I severely doubt that is what will happen. It will just be him telling me again that there is nothing more he can do, which always sends me downhill. I think it would most people, to be told there is nothing they can do for your pain, there’s nothing that can help and you just have to suffer is depressing and makes you feel even more lost and helpless than you already do. Because aren’t doctors meant to be the ones with the answers, isn’t that why they went to medical school, to help and fix people. I guess some people like me just can’t be fixed, helped or saved. That we really are completely and utterly helpless.
I’m starting to feel a bit anxious about this appointment already, even though it’s over 2 weeks away still. But I know it’s not going to be a good appointment which is why I’m anxious, as I know nothing good will come of it and it will probably make me feel worse. You may probably think, ‘well why do you go?’ I go because I have to stay in the system, I go on the off chance he may have come up with something; although highly unlikely, I go because I the only available option left is surgery which at the moment is currently unavailable due to NHS funding decisions, but I’m on the wait list for the off chance it becomes available again and I only get an update on the surgery funding issues properly at my yearly appointments.
The few weeks prior to my yearly appointment are filled with anxiety about the appointment, and then after the appointment I feel even worse because of being told there is nothing they can do for me. Having a hard time already and the lead up to the appointment and the appointment itself isn’t going to help.