Today I had a meeting with a woman from the skills development department at college, she contacted me for the appointment. I told her my medical issues and how difficult they make things like studying due to having difficulty concentrating and poor memory and that doing anything makes the pain worse. So I have to provide her with some evidence from my doctors so that I can get extra time and rest breaks in exams, which I have had previously. I told her how I’m meant to pace myself with studying but that becomes difficult at college when I am in lessons for an hour and a half before I get a break, whereas I’m meant to have a break every 20 minutes. Anyway she offered me the opportunity for support with my studies and that I can loan a tape recorder which means that if I need to leave I can record what I miss, and that I can check in with her every week or so to see how I’m doing study wise, to go through any pieces of work together and she wrote down a bunch of other stuff on a piece of paper for me to consider.
It all sounds well and good but I’m having difficulty accepting this help, I told her I would get back to her and rushed off to catch the train. I try so hard to be ‘normal’ (by normal I know that there technically is no such thing as normal, but I mean to be someone who isn’t in pain 24/7 and isn’t depressed) that I feel as if I accept this help that I probably do need then that makes me less ‘normal’, which I’m so far from due to being in severe pain all the time and being depressed. I’m having trouble with pacing, I know I need to take a break but I don’t because I don’t want to make a big deal out of anything, none of my peers at college know about my health and I feel that if I am always leaving class then I’m disrupting my learning, and it kind of singles me out and makes me different, which I am but I don’t want everyone to know that. I know I should accept this help, I know that’s the right decision for my health but I don’t want to need help, I want to be ‘normal’ so I am reluctant to accept the help she is offering.