Reluctant.

Today I had a meeting with a woman from the skills development department at college, she contacted me for the appointment. I told her my medical issues and how difficult they make things like studying due to having difficulty concentrating and poor memory and that doing anything makes the pain worse. So I have to provide her with some evidence from my doctors so that I can get extra time and rest breaks in exams, which I have had previously. I told her how I’m meant to pace myself with studying but that becomes difficult at college when I am in lessons for an hour and a half before I get a break, whereas I’m meant to have a break every 20 minutes. Anyway she offered me the opportunity for support with my studies and that I can loan a tape recorder which means that if I need to leave I can record what I miss, and that I can check in with her every week or so to see how I’m doing study wise, to go through any pieces of work together and she wrote down a bunch of other stuff on a piece of paper for me to consider.

It all sounds well and good but I’m having difficulty accepting this help, I told her I would get back to her and rushed off to catch the train. I try so hard to be ‘normal’ (by normal I know that there technically is no such thing as normal, but I mean to be someone who isn’t in pain 24/7 and isn’t depressed) that I feel as if I accept this help that I probably do need then that makes me less ‘normal’, which I’m so far from due to being in severe pain all the time and being depressed. I’m having trouble with pacing, I know I need to take a break but I don’t because I don’t want to make a big deal out of anything, none of my peers at college know about my health and I feel that if I am always leaving class then I’m disrupting my learning, and it kind of singles me out and makes me different, which I am but I don’t want everyone to know that. I know I should accept this help, I know that’s the right decision for my health but I don’t want to need help, I want to be ‘normal’ so I am reluctant to accept the help she is offering.

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4 thoughts on “Reluctant.

  1. I have a difficult time taking help too, especially when I need it most. For what it’s worth, try to see this as a benefit of your tuition money… Help to ensure success. It’s not personal help, it is for educational success. (That perspective would help me cope. MYbe something could help you accept what help there is out there for you).

    If nothing else, you fight so hard to not let your illness take over your life. If anyone deserves this kind of assistance, it’s definitely you. Xx

    • Yeah it’s really difficult. Going in tomorrow so I think I’m going to go back to her and say I do want the help, as difficult as that is for me to admit. xx

  2. Someone told me yesterday that I needed to realize that other people are like people with super powers compared to people like us. We are the normal people they have super powers and we can’t keep up without a little help. I laughed but then when I started thinking that way it helped. I started looking at my husband and thought….yeah he’s a super man. Then I started looking at other people and what they can do…wow, super power there! So yeah….I don’t have those super powers. I need a little help, and It’s not so bad to ask for it. Heck, you didn’t even ask….this lady’s super power was to be able to be clairvoyant. she called you in….and offered you help! Wow! Super power there!! So yes my dear, take the help!
    It is best for you. If you don’t you are going to burn out fast and may not be able to finish school. and just think, it’s all because you didn’t want help because you are surrounded by people with super powers. I bet there are some other people there who don’t have super powers either, maybe you should search them out. No they might now have what you have….but they might need a friend who doesn’t have super powers, someone they can be themselves around, because it sounds like you can’t be yourself around your classmates. after all they all have super powers….or they are hiding like you.

    • That’s quite a good way to think about it, I’ve never thought about it like that before, kind of helps. Anyway I’m going in tomorrow so I’m probably going to go back to her and say I do want the help as much as I hate to admit it. But yeah you’re right I hide it all from people at college and it’s really difficult when I’m struggling so much.

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