Sometimes I tell myself this is all a dream, that this much pain can’t possibly exist, it just can’t. That maybe I am just having a horrible nightmare and one day I will wake up from. Or that I’ve had a terrible accident and am in a coma and this is my coma dream. I know of course this isn’t the case and really my life is really just one big living nightmare that I wish I would wake up from.
At the minute the pain is so bad I just want to cry, the past few days have been particularly god awful and I just don’t know what to do anymore, because when it comes down to it there is nothing anyone can do to help me. Medicine has failed me, therapy only does so much and when it comes down to it I truly am helpless because no one can take away my pain and nothing eases it. Which makes me feel so angry and miserable.
I’m struggling to be around people, so I’m isolating myself. College is difficult, it’s so hard to sit in a 3 hour lesson and concentrate with the pain that is dominating my mind, not to mention that concentrating makes it worse. I find it difficult to do work at home as well due to the pain being bad, there is so much I need to get done but with the pain being bad the majority of the time at the minute it is proving to be difficult, to say the least. Don’t get me wrong I don’t dislike college, I love to learn, always have done, but it is very hard for me.
I’m going back to see my psychologist on Thursday, maybe that will help me feel a bit better. And then next Wednesday the 26th I’m in London seeing my neurologist for my yearly appointment. Not looking forward to it one bit, don’t know how well I’m going to take the ‘sorry Sian there is nothing I can do’ line for the second time; probably not well at all.
Just can’t cope with everything at the minute, the pain being so bad all the time and the way it makes me feel.