So I had an appointment to see my psychologist today, after not seeing her for 4 months. I should have made an appointment and gone back a couple of months ago, but I just let everything get worse and worse.
It was nice to see her and talk to her, she is one of two people I feel able to talk to properly, the other being my previous school counsellor, who I still talk to a lot and still tell her pretty much everything. I never thought I would find someone else that I felt as comfortable talking to, but I did and my psychologist is great and I feel like she understands. She doesn’t know me as well as my school counsellor does due to the fact she hasn’t known me as long or worked with me for as long as I have seen and been in contact with my school counsellor. But she is lovely and it was really nice to be able to talk to someone about how I’m feeling properly, without me not feeling able to be completely honest about how bad I’m doing.
We caught up on what has been going on with me since I last saw her back in July, she asked if I wanted to come back to therapy. And it’s not that I didn’t want to or know that I needed to go back it’s that I didn’t want to feel like I had failed by having to go back, if that makes any sort of sense.
I explained how difficult college is and how I’ve practically been in flare up since I started college in September and how depressed I am again. I haven’t spoken about this on here but I now developed some issues with eating which has been going on for a a couple of months now, but recently has gotten progressively worse. I don’t eat, well hardly anything, and I ignore the fact I’m hungry, which gives me a sense of control. It’s not about weight, it’s about control, in the past I have used self harm which gave me control but now instead of that I have turned towards not eating to give me a sense of control in my life as I have no control over my pain so I search for control in other areas of my life. It’s very twisted but she is going to help me with that also. But everyone is very concerned about it all, my mum also knows about it.
She looked a bit overwhelmed with the amount of issues that need to be addressed at the minute and said she wasn’t quite sure what one to address first, but thinks that if we focus on getting me less depressed and pain management techniques then hopefully that will help sort out my eating issues.
Anyway I will be seeing her weekly again for the time being to try and help how I’m feeling.