Back to therapy.

So I had an appointment to see my psychologist today, after not seeing her for 4 months. I should have made an appointment and gone back a couple of months ago, but I just let everything get worse and worse.

It was nice to see her and talk to her, she is one of two people I feel able to talk to properly, the other being my previous school counsellor, who I still talk to a lot and still tell her pretty much everything. I never thought I would find someone else that I felt as comfortable talking to, but I did and my psychologist is great and I feel like she understands. She doesn’t know me as well as my school counsellor does due to the fact she hasn’t known me as long or worked with me for as long as I have seen and been in contact with my school counsellor. But she is lovely and it was really nice to be able to talk to someone about how I’m feeling properly, without me not feeling able to be completely honest about how bad I’m doing.

We caught up on what has been going on with me since I last saw her back in July, she asked if I wanted to come back to therapy. And it’s not that I didn’t want to or know that I needed to go back it’s that I didn’t want to feel like I had failed by having to go back, if that makes any sort of sense.
I explained how difficult college is and how I’ve practically been in flare up since I started college in September and how depressed I am again. I haven’t spoken about this on here but I now developed some issues with eating which has been going on for a a couple of months now, but recently has gotten progressively worse. I don’t eat, well hardly anything, and I ignore the fact I’m hungry, which gives me a sense of control. It’s not about weight, it’s about control, in the past I have used self harm which gave me control but now instead of that I have turned towards not eating to give me a sense of control in my life as I have no control over my pain so I search for control in other areas of my life. It’s very twisted but she is going to help me with that also. But everyone is very concerned about it all, my mum also knows about it.
She looked a bit overwhelmed with the amount of issues that need to be addressed at the minute and said she wasn’t quite sure what one to address first, but thinks that if we focus on getting me less depressed and pain management techniques then hopefully that will help sort out my eating issues.

Anyway I will be seeing her weekly again for the time being to try and help how I’m feeling.


10 thoughts on “Back to therapy.

  1. So glad you are seeing her. She’s right…if you get your depression under control, the rest will follow and while it may never be how you wish it could be, I bet you will find life manageable again. Good for you for recognizing you needed help and seeking it out…that is a sign of REAL strength!

  2. I know how hard it is to find that one person who you can truly trust. I am so happy for you that you’re back in contact with your counsellor, you are one step closer to your goal. Never let anyone take your goal away!

  3. That’s so great that you’ve gone back to see her. She sounds like one of the best people to be in your life at the moment. Working on managing your depression is a definite good first step, and the pain management too. So glad you will be able to go and see her every week. Best of luck with it all! Thinking of you xxxx

  4. Oh my dear, therapy is not a failure, it is simply a treatment. Something that can often help when nothing else does. we recently moved and I can’t see my therapist, need to find a new one…that is a challenge. If you have a good relationship with your therapist, use it my dear, It can be invaluable. (btw, sorry I’ve missed things, I haven’t been doing well.)
    You have probably heard of it and tried, but I have found that Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction (MBSR) therapy helps me deal with the pain. I don’t know how prominent it is in the UK.
    I would never say….try this, or anything…I hate it when people do that. I just wanted to throw that out there because it helps me a bit. My daily headaches aren’t as bad as yours, I have vertigo on a daily basis now. Sometimes over 12 hours a day I just lie here and watch things spinning around me. It is horrific. I know the feeling of being told, there’s nothing more we can do.
    That’s when I started the (MBSR) I thought if they can’t do anything, dang it I have to feel like I’m doing something. Your therapist my be thinking of some mindfulness techniques to help with the pain.
    But my vertigo has gotten worse lately. the mindfulness still helps, but I can’t stop the spinning….it just goes. and it makes me so sick. it’s just not a life, ya know? of course you do.

    pain is an awful mistress my dear. and you feel completely out of control of every aspect of your life because of it. I understand. That is why you want to have some control over some small part. Eating…cutting….I get it.
    Try to think of something that you can have control over that is more positive. I know it sounds different. The other is almost in defiant. I know, I used to do it. Then I did do something with my eating that was different. I did take control, I said I had to eat this many calories in a day….and I portioned out exactly how I would get them, I made it to where I had the most amount of food I could eat in a day with those calories. So it was always under watch. I was controlling every piece that went in my mouth…I had to make sure I got those calories in…but I admit I didn’t want to go over…I had a 200 calorie window in there. and I stuck to it. but I tried to eat as much as I could in that amount of calories. Strange right? but it worked. I was in control. Now when I need to take off a few pounds, that is the same way I do it. haha
    again, just what I did, no telling you that it would work or would help or telling you what to do. Just sharing.

    I’m learning I can’t give up. there may be nothing right now…but we never know. Live in the moment and not the future…we can’t write the future. Now is hard enough without taking on the uncertainty of the future.

    everyone needs someone they can trust and talk to in their corner…you are lucky you have that in your therapist.
    peace to you

    • Yeah it is invaluable, the relationship I have with my old school counsellor as well, well I don’t know what I would do without her to be honest, doubt I would be here right now if I didn’t have her. And my psychologist here in the UK is amazing also.
      I work on mindfulness too, it’s very hard though and at the minute I find it just makes me focus on the pain more, so I dread doing it because it just makes it worse right now. Reading a good book though, its called midfulness for health, and comes with mindfulness recordings to listen to and work through as well, so I’m working on that, though not with much success at the minute.
      The vertigo sounds awful, I’m sorry you have to experience that on top of pain 😦
      Thanks Wendy!x

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