I can’t do this, I can’t do any of this, it’s too hard.
I spend my life fighting, fighting the pain every second of the day, fighting how it makes me feel, and I never win. Everything is just so overwhelming. I feel so overwhelmed by the pain and how bad I’m feeling at the moment, everything is just so hard and I can’t do any of this.
I have so much to do and I can’t do any of it, I can’t concentrate because of the pain, so I sit at my laptop unable to concentrate and I can’t remember anything, my mind goes blank and then I get really stressed and anxious. So I sit here in pain and feeling like a failure because I am unable to do anything. So I don’t know what to do at the minute, I don’t know how I can keep going in so much pain and not to mention how much work I have to do, of which I am unable to because of the pain being so bad for pretty much the last few months. I’ve had very few moderate pain days and just strings after strings of severe pain days and it’s all too much.
I’m off to London tomorrow morning to see my neurologist, though I know it’s not going to be a good appointment and is going to just make me feel worse by him reiterating that there is nothing he can do, which is what he said last year as well. And I highly doubt that has changed. Not looking forward to it one bit, being told by a leading neurologist in your condition, a top one in the country at one of the top neurology hospitals in the UK, is heart breaking. I feel so desperately helpless and there is nothing anyone can do to help me, which I know will be re confirmed tomorrow, probably after I’ve waited 3 hours past my appointment time to see my neurologist.