My brain literally feels like mush, I can’t think, I can’t concentrate and I feel really dumb. Thankfully college has just finished for Christmas so I have two weeks off where I don’t have to attempt to concentrate in class and feel really stupid. The frustrating thing is that I’m not actually dumb, well maybe I am now but I didn’t use to be, you should see my GCSE grades I got 4 A’s 5 B’s and a C, I wasn’t stupid at all and that is very frustrating. Now I just feel like my brain doesn’t work properly, it feels like mush and I can’t get it back in gear because it just doesn’t work properly cause of the pain and I can’t concentrate, and of course that makes the pain worse.
I’ve lost direction, I don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing with my life, it all seems pointless when I know I’m probably going to be in pain for the rest of my life. I can barely cope with part time college so how the hell am I going to cope with university and I’m anxious and scared about that. I feel like I will never be good at anything because of my pain, because of my depression. Everything seems so pointless when you’re in pain and know it’s probably never going to get any better. I feel lost and I don’t know what to do. My psychologist tried to talk to me about it today but I kind of clammed up and wouldn’t talk which sometimes happens when I’m feeling really bad and something is really getting to me, it’s like I want to talk but the words just don’t come out.
Anyway it’s a week till Christmas, my sister is already here, my Dad arrives on Monday and my grandparents all arrive on Tuesday to spend Christmas with us, so we have a house full. I actually quite like Christmas to be honest, so it should be quite nice. I’m hoping that the pain won’t be too horrific for me, but knowing my pain that’s probably too much to ask!