So I started typing a very ‘woe is me’ post of me feeling desperately depressed and sorry for myself because it is my headaches 5 year anniversary today. But several things happened for me to end up deleting that post and writing this one instead.
Firstly I spoke to my old school counsellor, I’m never sure how to refer to her now because technically she is no longer my school counsellor as I no longer go to that school. But we are still in close contact which means the world to me as I’ve always felt that she is the only person who understands. I value her opinion over most other peoples, she is always there for me no matter what and knows me better than probably anyone else in the world. We had an appointment to FaceTime on Sunday morning, however my internet wasn’t playing ball and we could hardly hear each other which was very frustrating so she rang me instead and we spoke that way. She always knows what to say to get me to get my act together and I’ve been thinking a lot about what she said. She said only I can help myself but I need to decide I want to get better like last time, and I need to put the work in. That I’m not helpless but no one else can do it for me they can only support me in getting better.
Secondly something very strange yet remarkable has happened. In the 5 years I have had my headache not once has any treatment had any effect (and I’ve tried a lot of treatments), well they had an effect but it was just strings of horrible side effects with no benefit. I was beaten down by all these failed treatments, the disappointment of that along with the pain and misery that has worn me down for 5 years, to the day exact.
My Cefaly arrived last Tuesday, I wasn’t very optimistic about it, didn’t want to hope because I didn’t want the disappointment when like every other treatment, it didn’t help. I’ve used it every day now, in the first few days I couldn’t tolerate the intense pain it seemed to be causing me whilst it was on, but I persevered and suffered through that pain and built up the time that I had it on for. First with program 3 for stress relief, the least intense program, and then built up to program 1 abort and program 2 prevent. It is still very painful when it is on, but something happened, it may be a 5 year miracle. Over the past few days after completing a session or two of Cefaly I have felt clearer with a lot less pain. Pain levels lower than I have ever had in my 5 years with my headache. Take yesterday for example, I woke up at about a 6/10 which is low ish for me anyway, but I did a 20 minute session on program 2 prevent and was down at a 4/10 very manageable. I then went to college with less pain than I have had in 5 years and college went okay, by the time I got home 6 hours later I was back up at a 6/10, so Cefaly went back on for 40 minutes and I was back down at a 4/10. Yes there is still pain but a lot less pain so far. Never before have I been able to say that something has helped the pain so this is kind of a new experience for me, and I will admit that it is a bit scary and a bit daunting. The reason I’m scared is because I feel like admitting that something has helped saying it aloud will jinx me and it will turn out to stop helping ease the pain and I will be back in severe pain and deep deep disappointment and depression because of it. Also that all I have known for the past 5 years is severe pain where I couldn’t remember what being pain free felt like, and I’m now (hopefully) entering a world of a lot less pain which is all I wanted (other than ideally being pain free but that’s not going to happen) but I never thought I would get and that is somehow weirdly scary, is that wrong?
Also since using Cefaly I have felt a lot calmer whereas I was back in deep desperate depression unsure of how to get out, and with today my 5 year anniversary coming up I was just feeling worse and worse and suicidal again. That was last week and before, but now I feel like I can cope, that I can manage my pain now there is some relief, something I never thought I would get but is a welcomed surprise.
I hadn’t quite figured out how to tell anyone yet that it’s helping because I’ve never been able to say that before, so it is all very new to me, and I need to get over the fear of telling people will surely mean that it won’t last, that it will jinx me. But I have told my mum and sister just now, and now you guys as well.
My initial post for today was going to be very depressing because I was feeling extremely depressed and sorry for myself about it being my 5 year anniversary, but with the less pain that has started to lift and I’m feeling more optimistic about my life rather than all doom and gloom.
Today is my headaches 5 year anniversary, though this year it is also the day/week that my pain eased, I am not religious but to me that is some sort of miracle.