Safe to say I’m a little bit excited.

Tomorrow I am competing in the 40th anniversary South West of England Tae Kwon-Do Championships and I’m quite excited about it. I’ve been a black belt since 2007 but the last time I competed in a competition was about a year before I got my black belt, so quite a long time ago now. I usually officiate at competitions now as I’m required to officiate at several a year in order to qualify to grade for my next Dan this coming October. However I thought that I would put myself out there and have a go at competing at black belt level, which isn’t easy to say the least. The competition is tough because there is such a high standard at black belt especially with me now being in the adult range. Though I am in the lightweight division so will be up against people of a similar weight and size to me. I’m not expecting to place, though that would be a welcomed surprise. I like to think I’m quite good at Tae Kwon-Do, actually it’s probably the only thing I’m good at, so I’m just going to try my best and see how far I get. I’m competing in 3 different aspects of Tae Kwon-Do, patterns; which is like a set sequence of moves and there is a pattern for each coloured belt and 3 black belt patterns for my Dan grade. I’m going to be doing one of my black belt patterns which has 44 movements, so hopefully I won’t mess it up! Then I’m competing in Sparring; which is the fighting element of Tae Kwon-Do, so I will be up against black belt women under 55kg, hopefully I won’t get too beaten up. Also competing in a Tag team sparring event with my instructor and his son who is also a black belt, so looking forward to that as well.

From my club there are about 20 of us going, about half competing and half are black belts who are officiating. The competition is held about 2 hours away from us, so have to leave pretty early in the morning to get there before 9am, and then it is likely that it won’t finish till the evening, so it’s a long day. However I’m looking forward to the experience, competing and supporting the people from my club.

Hoping for a relatively good pain day tomorrow, been preparing for the competition by having lots of rest, self care, sleep and of course training hard. I’m excited for tomorrow, and whatever the outcome I will be pleased and proud of myself just for taking part despite chronic pain and illness.

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Time to get back on track; this time I mean it!

So in the wake of the disappointment that was Cefaly, I got quite depressed again and could feel myself going further and further down hill. However I have decided to turn it all around, I have decided I want to get better again, not the pain (that would be ideal but lets be realistic) but the depression part, the feeling okay despite pain and illness, the living a good life despite pain. Accepting my illness but trying to lead a positive and good life despite it. This is the starting point that I needed to hit, I needed to make a conscious decision to get better otherwise it was never going to happen and I would just continue being miserable and depressed because that was easy and recovery is hard. I was in that place during last spring/summer and it was good, I was still in pain but I could cope with it, I didn’t let it pull me under and I fought to get better and live a better life despite the pain I have been given. I want to get back there now, and I’m going to fight for recovery from depression.

Yesterday I devised a somewhat plan, well it’s more like a tick sheet. It’s a table, it consists of everything I need to incorporate into my day, pain management techniques like mindfulness and relaxation, things I enjoy like watching a TV show, going to Tae Kwon-Do training, which also classes as pain management, things I’m working towards like college work andTae Kwon-Do theory, to name a few examples. Also included is boxes to make sure I take all my POTS medication each day as I am notoriously bad for missing doses and eating breakfast, lunch and dinner after my brief episode of hardly eating. I don’t have to do everything every day some days are crossed out for certain activities, in that I don’t have to do them on that particular day and there is a column of goal number of times a week I am meant to do each activity, and then the actual number of times I did the activity each week column. There are about 18 things on my tick list to do, not all to be done every day, and when I do the activity it doesn’t have to be done that long, take reading for example, could only be 5 or 10 minutes a day and that is fine, or Tae Kwon-Do theory studying, 10-15 minutes is fine. Every activity has to be paced and if it needs to be done for more than 20 minutes there has to be a break every 20 minutes in that activity. I tick off the activities or tasks as I do them, and don’t beat myself up if I don’t manage to incorporate everything in each day. I feel like this may work, so far today it has kept me relatively busy but there has been lots of periods of rest in-between activities or tasks. I’m aware that doing too much will be counter productive but most of my tasks/activities on my list are small things that don’t last particularly long, mixed in with a couple of longer ones like Tae Kwon-Do training and college work. I work well with lists rather than planning what I’m doing every hour because then I tend to just not do what I’ve planned to do, this way it doesn’t matter when I do the activity in the day. So for the time being this tick list is going to be my guide until incorporating all my pain management techniques in my life become second nature again.

I’m going to pull myself out of this hole I seemed to have dug for myself and into living my life despite pain and achieving things despite pain. This way of natural pain management and acceptance worked before and it will work again. I am a work in progress, but I will get there, there may be some bad days but that is expected when you have chronic pain but not every day has to be bad. I know recovery is hard because I have done it before, but it was worth it for how much better I was feeling despite being in pain and I want to feel like that again. This is the starting point.

Bad news unfortunately.

Unfortunately I found Cefaly incredibly painful to use, I really could not tolerate the feeling of it. It was painful for me, even with stopping the levels from increasing before the intensity got to the highest point. It was very far from relaxing for me, which is how some people had described it to be.

Disappointed to be honest, and I'm angry at myself. Angry because I let myself hope, initially I had no expectations about Cefaly. Well actually I was pretty convinced it wasn't going to help, but secretly hoping it would give me some relief. It turns out that this wasn't the magical miracle treatment for me, and I'm just left with the terrible disappointment that I swore to myself ages ago I would never inflict on myself ever again. I'm angry at myself for letting myself hope, for allowing myself to get disappointed again by trying another treatment. I honestly don't know why I bother, no treatment ever helps and after I am just left disappointed and trying to hold myself together in the deep dark pit that is the disappointment of yet another failed treatment. I dug myself this hole by trying this treatment, but I don't know how I'm going to get myself back out of it.

Maybe my brain does work properly after all.

Before Christmas my first law assignment for college was due, a day before the deadline and I only had less than a 100 words out of the 1100 word limit. Against my better judgement I sat down for 6 hours with minimal breaks to get it done, of course I paid for that afterwards, but needs must, it had to be done for hand in day the following morning. I have really been struggling with college, and feeling like my brain no longer works properly, that it has just turned to mush. I have been feeling really stupid and with a severe lack of concentration because of the pain. I managed to complete my assignment on time for hand in day after a very stressful 6 hours working on it, however I was convinced it wasn’t very good and that it was not good enough to pass. The first assignment is pass or fail, and I was adamant that I had failed it.

Today my law teacher emailed me my results, and I passed! He said that if the assignment was graded I would have got a distinction, the highest mark you can get! Completely shocked and thrilled; maybe my brain does work properly after all.

I had a horrible day yesterday, feeling miserable and depressed beyond words and the pain was severe, I retreated to my bed and didn’t leave all day. So this was some really good news that I needed to prove to myself that I can do things, that I’m not stupid, and most of all that clearly my brain must be working properly even though a lot of the time it doesn’t feel like it does.

I’d say Happy New Year, but I don’t really feel happy about it.

New Years Eve, in bed by 10. There isn’t much to celebrate to be honest, all I have to look forward to is another year of pain. I see all these posts on Facebook, ‘friends’ who aren’t really friends just people I know, about what a great night they had, what a great year they had and how they are looking forward to 2015. It makes me angry at the world, with what I’ve been given; a life sentence of pain and the misery it brings.

I’ve had a horrible year filled with pain and misery and that’s all I have to look forward to in 2015. For me 2015 just marks 5 years of indescribable pain, so what is there to celebrate, what is there to be happy about? My future is bleak, all it’s going to consist of is pain and misery and I can’t handle it anymore.

I feel so desperately miserable and depressed, no one can fix me, no one can help me. I can’t be saved, I’m beyond saving.