So in the wake of the disappointment that was Cefaly, I got quite depressed again and could feel myself going further and further down hill. However I have decided to turn it all around, I have decided I want to get better again, not the pain (that would be ideal but lets be realistic) but the depression part, the feeling okay despite pain and illness, the living a good life despite pain. Accepting my illness but trying to lead a positive and good life despite it. This is the starting point that I needed to hit, I needed to make a conscious decision to get better otherwise it was never going to happen and I would just continue being miserable and depressed because that was easy and recovery is hard. I was in that place during last spring/summer and it was good, I was still in pain but I could cope with it, I didn’t let it pull me under and I fought to get better and live a better life despite the pain I have been given. I want to get back there now, and I’m going to fight for recovery from depression.
Yesterday I devised a somewhat plan, well it’s more like a tick sheet. It’s a table, it consists of everything I need to incorporate into my day, pain management techniques like mindfulness and relaxation, things I enjoy like watching a TV show, going to Tae Kwon-Do training, which also classes as pain management, things I’m working towards like college work andTae Kwon-Do theory, to name a few examples. Also included is boxes to make sure I take all my POTS medication each day as I am notoriously bad for missing doses and eating breakfast, lunch and dinner after my brief episode of hardly eating. I don’t have to do everything every day some days are crossed out for certain activities, in that I don’t have to do them on that particular day and there is a column of goal number of times a week I am meant to do each activity, and then the actual number of times I did the activity each week column. There are about 18 things on my tick list to do, not all to be done every day, and when I do the activity it doesn’t have to be done that long, take reading for example, could only be 5 or 10 minutes a day and that is fine, or Tae Kwon-Do theory studying, 10-15 minutes is fine. Every activity has to be paced and if it needs to be done for more than 20 minutes there has to be a break every 20 minutes in that activity. I tick off the activities or tasks as I do them, and don’t beat myself up if I don’t manage to incorporate everything in each day. I feel like this may work, so far today it has kept me relatively busy but there has been lots of periods of rest in-between activities or tasks. I’m aware that doing too much will be counter productive but most of my tasks/activities on my list are small things that don’t last particularly long, mixed in with a couple of longer ones like Tae Kwon-Do training and college work. I work well with lists rather than planning what I’m doing every hour because then I tend to just not do what I’ve planned to do, this way it doesn’t matter when I do the activity in the day. So for the time being this tick list is going to be my guide until incorporating all my pain management techniques in my life become second nature again.
I’m going to pull myself out of this hole I seemed to have dug for myself and into living my life despite pain and achieving things despite pain. This way of natural pain management and acceptance worked before and it will work again. I am a work in progress, but I will get there, there may be some bad days but that is expected when you have chronic pain but not every day has to be bad. I know recovery is hard because I have done it before, but it was worth it for how much better I was feeling despite being in pain and I want to feel like that again. This is the starting point.