Saying I’m stressed would be an understatement, I’m beyond stressed so much so I had a bit of a breakdown last night to my mum and was in floods of tears. I very rarely cry, often I feel like crying about things but the tears never seem to come. However when I do very occasionally cry it’s because something is so overwhelming, and I need to make a change because something is seriously up.
I’ve been trying really hard over the past week and a half to put things in place in order to try and feel better and help my depression. My pain management techniques, mindfulness, meditation, relaxation etc etc. That part was going okay, and I started to enjoy and look forward to my mindfulness sessions each day and I started to feel a bit more positive about everything. However college work kind of took a back burner, I’m unsure of how to manage everything in my life, how to do all my pain management and all that involves and attend college and get the work done outside of college. I don’t know how to do it all. I want to feel better and that’s a priority but how do I do all that and college work, I feel like I can’t do it all and I am so stressed about it. I also find it extremely difficult to get work done outside of college as well, pain gets in the way and I don’t feel able to do any of it most of the time, and I’m so focused on trying to get better depression wise that I’m finding it difficult to manage everything else I have to do.
I have a mountain of college work that needs to be done but how do I manage it all effectively with incorporating pain management; meditation, relaxation, pacing, self care etc etc. I just don’t feel able to do it all.
Yesterday I had college, I had already emailed my teacher to tell her I hadn’t been able to do the homework, it was an issue of priorities. I hadn’t been able to get it done in the two weeks we were given to do it because of the pain, it came to the day before and I still hadn’t done it and the pain was bad yet again. It was either push myself to do the 1000 word homework and not be able to attend the lesson the next day because of the pain or not do the homework and attend the lesson. My teacher said it was fine to extend the deadline so I had an evening of rest and managed to attend the lesson yesterday. Not only do I have the homework on my mind that needs to be done, I have two law assignments to do by the 25th of this month and I still haven’t decided on a topic to do them on, so I have that hanging over me as well.
It doesn’t seem like a lot but when you consider that this time last year I was doing nothing and bed bound the majority of time, it’s a lot! Yesterday I was in the lesson and I was so stressed about the amount of work I have hanging over my head and the fact that the pain is bad I left the lesson early and went home. Where I eventually ended up having a breakdown to my mum and was in floods of tears.
Today I had law at college, still stressed about everything but made it through the lesson, however it was mostly just our teacher talking to us about cases for assignment topics and not much work was involved. Was then meant to have a one on one with my teacher about our assignment but time ran out before he could get to me.
I then had my weekly appointment with a lovely woman who listens to how I’ve been each week and tries to support me in any way she can. I told her I was extremely stressed about all this and she suggested speaking to my teachers first and also coming into college on a Friday to try and do some work in the inspiration room which she runs for select people who need a quiet place to escape or work. So I’m going to try and do that on Friday, I also have an appointment in the afternoon with my law teacher to discuss my assignment and my difficulties. Today when I got home I emailed my psychology teacher as well to tell her about the current issues I’m having with all this, she knows some and that I’m sick etc etc. But she emailed back a nice email saying she understands my dilemma, that she wishes there was something she could do to help, that I am doing well and meeting deadlines better than a lot of other people in my class and that I have potential; which was nice to hear. She said that if there was anything she could do to help just to let her know, and not to worry too much about deadlines or leaving class because she is fine with it and understands the reasons behind it. So that was okay.
I’m still feeling very stressed and not sure what to do. I can’t quit because that is failure and I can’t deal with anymore of that; I have to do this, I need to achieve and I need to be able to do something meaningful, I need purpose.
The issue is that last spring/summer when I managed to get myself to a better place I had little to no demands, I could focus all my time and energy on getting to a better place. But this time although I know that I can do it because I’ve done it before, I have college to keep up with and focus on as well and it’s proving to be very difficult and stressful and I’m not entirely sure what to do or how to cope with it all.