Yeah, so I think I’m in flare up.

So today I’m in a whole world of pain, I woke up about this morning and the pain is god awful. Usually it doesn’t happen this way, usually I wake up and I’m at my lowest level and then it increases throughout the day, however sometimes I wake up and it’s already awful, today is one of those days. Recently I’ve had a lot of bad days, though generally they have been days where the pain has increased throughout the day but there’s been a lot of them. Somehow though the pain wasn’t too bad on my birthday and I was able to enjoy my day. But over the past two weeks I’ve had to leave college early a lot because of the pain being bad and haven’t done much taekwondo training, which is always a sign that possibly I’m in flare up.

Days like today though I don’t know what to do with myself, I’m in too much pain to do anything other than lie in bed however lying in bed makes me think too much and sit with my pain too much, and I worry about anything and everything. The pain is so intense I can hardly keep my eyes open let alone do anything. I’ve spent all day in bed and the pain is still awful this evening. Hoping it eases by morning!


21st Birthday!

Today is my 21st birthday! Usually I tend to get a bit down on and around my birthday, however today has been an exception, so far I’ve had a lovely day and have a really nice evening planned as well. I have been thoroughly spoiled by my lovely family with lots of really nice presents, my parents bought me two pairs of heels and a leather jacket from my favourite shop and my sister bought me a gorgeous dress and my grandparents have all spoiled me as well. I am truly lucky to have such an amazing family!
This morning I even had a surprise delivery of flowers and a balloon from my old school counsellor/now close friend, which made me cry tears of happiness; never been sent flowers before and they came from the best person ever.
I had a quiet morning and then me and my mum went into town for a coffee and a bit of lunch. This evening I’m off to this really nice restaurant with my mum and some family friends which I’m really looking forward to and am going to wear my new dress and heels! So far it’s been a really lovely day, I’ve had lots of nice messages from people as well.

This birthday so far has been the exception to the rule of me feeling rubbish on my birthday, yes I’m in pain but despite the pain I’ve had a really lovely day and have a lovely evening planned also and I feel positive and happy right now.

I’ve been through so much, this is my 6th birthday spent in pain, but this year that’s okay because I know I can cope that I can be happy and I can achieve things and I am accepting of the pain. I’ve come so far since my last birthday, and not to mention the 4 years prior to that, it’s an ongoing process and there are still many bumps in the road but I feel okay!

Happy birthday to me 🙂

Sometimes all it takes is a decision.

Shortly after the onset of my headache depression hit me hard, and I continued to suffer from severe depression for years. I couldn’t cope with the pain and the way it made me feel all the time; miserable, angry, bitter, lost, pretty much every negative feeling out there I was feeling it at full force. For a long time I coped with my pain through self-harm, it was my coping mechanism, however not a good one. After a while I just didn’t want to live anymore, I saw no future for myself but pain and misery, I didn’t think there was any other way, so I tried to kill myself and got close to succeeding.

It’s only been in the past year that  have discovered that there is another way, happiness can be found despite pain, my life can have meaning, I can achieve things and more importantly I can live despite pain and be okay with it. The path wasn’t easy, it had many bumps in the road and still does, but I believe the first step is making the decision you want to feel better. Because before I don’t think I really wanted to get better emotionally, it was easier to let the depression consume me but I didn’t know there was a way out.

The most successful therapy I’ve had has been ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, geared towards pain management of the natural kind; no medications. It was a hard road and in the beginning it all sounded like nonsense, I thought it was stupid and impossible that anyone could accept their chronic pain, be okay despite pain and live a happy and full life despite pain. Eventually it was like a switch in my head had turned and I understood it and wanted to work towards accepting my pain and feeling better. That was the turning point for me, and I worked my ass off to get there. I will admit to falling off the wagon briefly, however that is because I decided to take on the world and had stopped all my pain management techniques. I eventually got back there though, all be it I needed a bit of help along the way.
Now feeling pretty okay again the majority of the time, have bad days now and again, the majority of which revolve around the pain being bad.

I may never recover from chronic pain, I will probably always have a headache, but that’s okay because I can cope, I can still achieve things and more importantly I can be happy despite pain.
Some days are bad, but most are good despite pain.

If you’re reading this and you suffer from chronic pain and you think I’m completely crazy and what I’m saying doesn’t sound possible. I want you to know that that’s okay, because I use to think it was crazy and impossible too. But I do want you to know that it’s not, it is possible, it is achievable, and I hope one day you may get to this place too, but I am always here for you whenever, through the good, the bad and the ugly.
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The ups and downs of chronic pain.

I know pain well, I wake up in pain, I spend all day in pain and I go to sleep in pain. My relationship with pain wasn’t good, I fought it and fought it and it nearly killed me. Acceptance changed my way of thinking to be able to deal and cope with my pain and still live a good life despite my pain. However I still have bad days, days where the pain is so bad I don’t know what to do, days where I feel so anxious because of the pain, days where I feel miserable because of the pain.

Today is one of those days.

I had a great weekend but today the pain has increased to a level that is not tolerable and I’ve spent all day in bed feeling sorry for myself. I wanted to do some college work, well I really needed to, but that didn’t happen because there is no way in the state of pain I’m in that I would be able to sit down and concentrate to do some work.
My mind has gone into overdrive like it usually does when I’m feeling miserable or am in a lot of pain or both, I worry excessively about anything and everything and my anxiety levels rise. One of my main worries being that I won’t be able to shake the misery I’m feeling on these days, that it will stay, that I will wake up tomorrow feeling the same way and I will be pushed back down the rabbit hole that is my deep dark depression, not knowing how to get out.

It’s just one of those down days that come with the territory that is chronic pain, hopefully I will feel better tomorrow.

A really lovely weekend.

I have had a really lovely weekend. First on Friday me and my Mum drove up to Surrey from where we live; which is about an hour and a half drive away, to stay with my Mums best and oldest friend and her family. We hadn’t seen them for quite a while and I had really missed them, we had a nice evening with them. On Saturday me and mum got the train to London to pick up some of my medication and meet my new friend who has NDPH and also her sister does too, so we met up with her and her family. It was a really lovely experience meeting them, I’ve spoken to a lot of people with NDPH over the years however I’ve never actually met anyone with it. I will admit to being quite nervous meeting them, however I didn’t need to be because they were so nice and it was lovely to talk with them for a few hours having afternoon tea at a nice hotel. I struggle with being social but this was totally different because they were people who actually understood properly what NDPH is like and how it effects you. I hope it was a nice for them as it was for me!
Afterwards me and Mum got the train back to our friends house in Surrey to stay the night again before driving back home this morning. I’m pretty tired now though, so I’m going to get a good nights sleep so I am hopefully feeling up to doing some college work that needs to get done tomorrow.