This flare up is getting to me.

Feeling a bit down and fed up, still in flare up pretty sure I’ve been in it the majority of March as I haven’t had many good days; well actually I’ve only had a couple, my birthday included in that. Sometimes it takes me a while to figure out I’m actually in flare up, sure I know the pain is bad and that I’m having consecutive bad days but it’s almost like if I don’t admit I’m in flare up maybe I won’t be. Probably doesn’t really make much sense, but somehow in my head it does! Thursday was the worst day, possibly one of my worst ever pain days. Since then it hasn’t been quite as bad, but not good either. When I go into flare up for a while I feel okay and able to cope, it’s only after quite a few bad days that I start to feel down, fed up again and wonder how the hell I’m going to get through more days like this.

College has been particularly difficult the past few weeks, so much so several times I’ve had to leave the lesson early and go home, or I barely manage it through the lesson and end up back in bed as soon as I’ve got home. I haven’t been able to do any work outside of college either, all my spare time recently has had to be spent mostly in bed. Taekwondo training has also taken a back burner as I haven’t felt up to going, and know if I push myself to go it will only make things worse.
Yesterday I had my psychology lesson and we were learning about depression, which was fine because I really don’t have a problem with talking about depression and such. However what does get to me is ignorant people’s opinions on the topic. Apparently according to this extremely annoying person in my class no one with depression has any empathy. This really got on my nerves, I have so much empathy yet I’ve had depression for 5 years, some of the most empathetic people I know suffer from depression. I told her I disagreed with her and that she was wrong, she insisted that she wasn’t which made me so incredibly angry that people with depression were being portrayed as having no empathy which is not true in the slightest, so I got up and left the room before I really lashed out and said something I may have regretted. Shortly after my friend came out to see if I was okay, so I had a chat with her and then shortly after we went back into the lesson, tried to put it behind me and got on with the lesson as best I could with the pain being bad.

Yesterday after getting home and waking up from a very long, deep and much needed nap I had an email waiting for me in my inbox from my law teacher with my assignment results that I had been waiting for for ages. To my complete surprise and delight I got a distinction in the research plan assignment and also a distinction in the research report assignment! Completely thrilled and definitely worth the wait. I have one more assignment in law and then that subject is done, and then I have an exam in psychology to do in June and then I’m done for the year. Bit concerned about the exam as I don’t believe I am very good in exams anymore, however I have been known to prove myself wrong so you never know! Two weeks off for Easter now, got lots of work to do and I’m hoping this flare up will calm down so I can do it, if not well I’m not sure what I will do, but at least I might have a chance to recover from this horrendous flare up without having the pressure of having to go to college for lessons.

Also booked a trip to Dubai in May, when I’m off college for a week. In hindsight it’s just before my exam so maybe not the best idea but I want to go, and I will take all my exam prep with me and do work out there so it should be okay. It also means I get to pick my sister up on her last ever day of school and see her off to her last ever prom. Oh wait, I mustn’t forget to mention I will also get to see my Dad which is always nice as well! It’s always nice to spend a bit of time in Dubai with my Dad and sister, so looking forward to that in May.

I hope this flare up dies down soon, not sure how I’m going to continue coping as the pain is so awful all of the time at the minute, really takes it’s toll, feel very down the past week ish.


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