After having some time to reflect.

I have been so absent from here recently, it has been a difficult few weeks with a lot going on and a lot of thoughts going through my head. Sorry for the lack of posts but am hoping to be back blogging more frequently again now.
I have had some time to reflect this week and really think deeply about what I am going to do. I don’t think university will be right for me I think it will be detrimental to my health both physical and mental, someone I care about and value their opinion told me today that what would be the point in a degree if I end up dead. Blunt, but true. So that brings up the question of what do I do instead and this has really been getting to me as I feel like I have to do something meaningful and I feel like I need to be working towards something.
I am currently in Dubai and on the flight here I really had some time to think about everything. I feel like I need some time out of everything, time to focus on getting my pain under control naturally again, time to get consistently stable with my health, time to work on my acceptance. I have had periods of being stable and okay over the past year, so I know it is possible as long as I put the work in. The problem is that they have been short lived and I feel like I need to get it so that I am consistently feeling okay before I move on and do something with my life. I feel like I will be unable to move forward with a job and a career unless everything else is under control, and if it is not then I know I will not succeed in what I want to do. So I am going to spend some time however long I need to do this, maybe even up to a year, whatever it takes to reach my goals in managing my pain and stability. Putting into practice everything I have learnt, making it a routine and sticking to it consistently.
After that I might look at slowly introducing some other stuff as well as my pain management, maybe some volunteering to get some life experience and then maybe a counselling course to become a counsellor.
Being in Dubai, today I saw my favourite person; my old school counsellor. I discussed all of this with her, she probably knows me best in the world and always understands my feelings about the pain. She agreed that I need some time to get myself sorted before starting anything again.
I will not be returning to college next year to finish my course, and therefore will not be going to university for now. Instead I will be focusing on getting back the good place I have been in before however have not managed to stay there consistently, but I will get back there with time, work and effort and hopefully I will manage to stay stable indefinitely. And then I can start to move forward towards what I ultimately want to achieve from my life, but my pain management techniques along with my acceptance have to be made a priority in my life, above all else – this is what I have failed at before and I need to work to succeed in this for the sake of my health and well-being.

It’s difficult.

It’s been a particularly difficult couple of weeks, with heightened pain, issue’s with college and the realisation that I may not just go off to university in the way that I want to, if at all. I will be honest it has all made me down right depressed, the depression has hit me full force and I’ve fallen back into old thinking habits. It also isn’t helping at the minute that all I see when I log on to Facebook is people my age who were my friends/acquaintances in my year at school posting that they have handed in their dissertation, that they have officially finished university and can’t wait for the next chapter of their lives. And then there’s me, not even started university, not sure if I ever will get to go like I wanted and have nothing to show for the last 3 years whilst they’ve been completing university degrees. I’m not sure if I will be able to achieve what they have. I don’t feel like I’ve achieved anything or gone anywhere in the entire 5 years I’ve been sick. It just makes me so angry at the world, at my pain, at my situation, at everything. How is any of this fair? What did I do to deserve this?

Despite all this today I completed my final law assignment, well when I say completed I mean I’ve finished it other than some re writing to make sure it’s within the word limit which needs to be done once my teacher has looked over it. Hand in day and my last day of college for the year is on Wednesday, along with a careers advice appointment to discuss what my options are with everything. Hopefully the appointment will make me feel a bit clearer about everything because at the minute I just feel confused, lost and don’t know where on earth I am going.

On Friday I am off to Dubai for a week, I’m hoping it may cheer me up a bit, it’ll be nice to see my dad and sister for a while.

Hello depression.

When I start to go downhill it happens fast, depression has hit me again and it’s hit me hard. I’ve gone back down the rabbit hole and I don’t know how to climb out. The trigger has been a prolonged flare up, well actually I’ve been on and off flare up since September when I started college, and it’s just got on top of me. That combined with stress from college and me beginning to realise that maybe education might just not be right for me and my pain. But then I don’t know what else is right for me, or how I would cope with something different, and I feel like I have no future because of it. I have spent the day constantly in and out of tears, I just can’t seem to stop them from occurring, it takes a lot for me to cry, so clearly this is all too much for me at the minute. And I’m so angry at the pain, at the world, at how the pain ruins everything in my life, at how unfair this is, at how I can’t be fixed, at how I’m probably going to be in pain for the rest of my life.

I know I’m weak because I let the pain and depression it brings overrule all my acceptance, all the work I’ve done. I’m weak for getting myself into such a state that I can’t stop crying, I know that, but knowing that only makes me feel worse, it only makes me feel like a failure, which I know I am.

Re-evaluating my life plans.

Since getting sick I have always felt like I have to do something meaningful with my life, make a difference, and make the pain matter. I wanted to go to university, to study psychology, to become a counselling psychologist, to help people in the way I feel is most beneficial to a person, in a way that has been the most beneficial to me. I went back to education this year in an attempt to make this dream happen. It hasn’t been easy, the majority of the year I’ve been in flare up, there’s been so many ups and downs, so many freak outs over college work, so much stress and anxiety. It’s safe to say it’s been very hard and unfortunately I don’t think there is a happy ending either. On the up side I have proved I still have a brain and somehow it still works with the pain, even though I thought it didn’t. On all but one of my assignments I achieved distinctions, and only narrowly missing out on the other one.

I have hit another massive flare up, one of many long ones this year. It has come at the most inconvenient time, where I have one final assignment due for law, where I have a psychology exam to prepare for, which is in three weeks time. The past three weeks I’ve been mostly unable to do anything but lie in bed or on the sofa in pain feeling miserable because I am unable to do anything, unable to study. So to say I am unprepared for my psychology exam would be an understatement, I know I am being negative when I say this, but I won’t pass the exam. I know myself well and I know that at the minute I don’t know any of the information for the exam and there is not enough time to learn it, and not to mention I am still in flare up unable to do an awful lot.
I spoke to my course tutor last week, she suggested postponing the exam for me till next March, and extending my course another year, so that next year all I am taking is one subject and an extra exam from this year, and then the last subject the following year. She said she worries about how if I am unable to cope with part time college which is what I have been this year how on earth am I going to cope with university; and I worry about that too. So much so it’s led to me having to re-evaluate things.

I always wanted to go to university but maybe studying is not the right thing for me and my pain, it certainly been hard for me this year, but would going out and getting a job be any better for me and my pain. I don’t know and that’s the problem, and then there’s the problem that I don’t know how I can do something meaningful with my life without having education and a degree. I feel very strongly about doing something meaningful with my life and I know that I wouldn’t be happy with just any old job, where I wasn’t making a difference and helping people.
I’ve got to decide, do I stick with college and university, extend my course by another year and just hope I can drag myself through it. Or accept that maybe studying isn’t for me despite being intellectually able, it just may not be the right thing for my condition and try and do something different instead. I really don’t know what to do, I am the sort of person that if I don’t have some sort of plan or idea for my future I feel very distressed and lost and it is safe to say I am feeling that way now.

Every time.

Every time I admit I’m doing well something happens and I end up going back downhill. Still in this flare up and it’s awful, I feel awful, I feel miserable, depressed, angry, stressed and anxious. Yes I m well aware that’s a lot of negative emotions to be feeling. I don’t know what to do and I have no one to talk to. I am unable to do any college work, my end of year graded exam for psychology is in less than a months time now, I have so much revision to do but I can’t do any of it because of the pain, so I can’t see myself passing the exam. I have my final graded law assignment due in 2 weeks, I am yet to start it because of the pain and I am feeling stressed about it. I feel like giving up with it all at the minute.

I don’t know what to do, the problem is the pain and that can’t be fixed or helped, who knows how long I will be in flare up, the last one lasted a month. I don’t know how to do everything I need to do when I’m in so much pain. I can’t even keep up with my pain management techniques, I don’t know how to do it all.

At the minute I just feel like crying, I have spent the day on the sofa watching tv with my dog, that’s exactly what I did yesterday as well, oh and the day before also. My depression is creeping back in and I have no one to talk to about it all and I just don’t know what to do.