Since getting sick I have always felt like I have to do something meaningful with my life, make a difference, and make the pain matter. I wanted to go to university, to study psychology, to become a counselling psychologist, to help people in the way I feel is most beneficial to a person, in a way that has been the most beneficial to me. I went back to education this year in an attempt to make this dream happen. It hasn’t been easy, the majority of the year I’ve been in flare up, there’s been so many ups and downs, so many freak outs over college work, so much stress and anxiety. It’s safe to say it’s been very hard and unfortunately I don’t think there is a happy ending either. On the up side I have proved I still have a brain and somehow it still works with the pain, even though I thought it didn’t. On all but one of my assignments I achieved distinctions, and only narrowly missing out on the other one.
I have hit another massive flare up, one of many long ones this year. It has come at the most inconvenient time, where I have one final assignment due for law, where I have a psychology exam to prepare for, which is in three weeks time. The past three weeks I’ve been mostly unable to do anything but lie in bed or on the sofa in pain feeling miserable because I am unable to do anything, unable to study. So to say I am unprepared for my psychology exam would be an understatement, I know I am being negative when I say this, but I won’t pass the exam. I know myself well and I know that at the minute I don’t know any of the information for the exam and there is not enough time to learn it, and not to mention I am still in flare up unable to do an awful lot.
I spoke to my course tutor last week, she suggested postponing the exam for me till next March, and extending my course another year, so that next year all I am taking is one subject and an extra exam from this year, and then the last subject the following year. She said she worries about how if I am unable to cope with part time college which is what I have been this year how on earth am I going to cope with university; and I worry about that too. So much so it’s led to me having to re-evaluate things.
I always wanted to go to university but maybe studying is not the right thing for me and my pain, it certainly been hard for me this year, but would going out and getting a job be any better for me and my pain. I don’t know and that’s the problem, and then there’s the problem that I don’t know how I can do something meaningful with my life without having education and a degree. I feel very strongly about doing something meaningful with my life and I know that I wouldn’t be happy with just any old job, where I wasn’t making a difference and helping people.
I’ve got to decide, do I stick with college and university, extend my course by another year and just hope I can drag myself through it. Or accept that maybe studying isn’t for me despite being intellectually able, it just may not be the right thing for my condition and try and do something different instead. I really don’t know what to do, I am the sort of person that if I don’t have some sort of plan or idea for my future I feel very distressed and lost and it is safe to say I am feeling that way now.