Re-evaluating my life plans.

Since getting sick I have always felt like I have to do something meaningful with my life, make a difference, and make the pain matter. I wanted to go to university, to study psychology, to become a counselling psychologist, to help people in the way I feel is most beneficial to a person, in a way that has been the most beneficial to me. I went back to education this year in an attempt to make this dream happen. It hasn’t been easy, the majority of the year I’ve been in flare up, there’s been so many ups and downs, so many freak outs over college work, so much stress and anxiety. It’s safe to say it’s been very hard and unfortunately I don’t think there is a happy ending either. On the up side I have proved I still have a brain and somehow it still works with the pain, even though I thought it didn’t. On all but one of my assignments I achieved distinctions, and only narrowly missing out on the other one.

I have hit another massive flare up, one of many long ones this year. It has come at the most inconvenient time, where I have one final assignment due for law, where I have a psychology exam to prepare for, which is in three weeks time. The past three weeks I’ve been mostly unable to do anything but lie in bed or on the sofa in pain feeling miserable because I am unable to do anything, unable to study. So to say I am unprepared for my psychology exam would be an understatement, I know I am being negative when I say this, but I won’t pass the exam. I know myself well and I know that at the minute I don’t know any of the information for the exam and there is not enough time to learn it, and not to mention I am still in flare up unable to do an awful lot.
I spoke to my course tutor last week, she suggested postponing the exam for me till next March, and extending my course another year, so that next year all I am taking is one subject and an extra exam from this year, and then the last subject the following year. She said she worries about how if I am unable to cope with part time college which is what I have been this year how on earth am I going to cope with university; and I worry about that too. So much so it’s led to me having to re-evaluate things.

I always wanted to go to university but maybe studying is not the right thing for me and my pain, it certainly been hard for me this year, but would going out and getting a job be any better for me and my pain. I don’t know and that’s the problem, and then there’s the problem that I don’t know how I can do something meaningful with my life without having education and a degree. I feel very strongly about doing something meaningful with my life and I know that I wouldn’t be happy with just any old job, where I wasn’t making a difference and helping people.
I’ve got to decide, do I stick with college and university, extend my course by another year and just hope I can drag myself through it. Or accept that maybe studying isn’t for me despite being intellectually able, it just may not be the right thing for my condition and try and do something different instead. I really don’t know what to do, I am the sort of person that if I don’t have some sort of plan or idea for my future I feel very distressed and lost and it is safe to say I am feeling that way now.

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2 thoughts on “Re-evaluating my life plans.

  1. I know how you feel. It’s hard to know if your making the right decisions wen everything leaves you in pain. I just cut back on work to concentrate on school more. I think it’s worth it. I was falling behind but I really didn’t want to drop out of another bachelor’s program. There are still things I want to accomplish so I’ve just had to be more creative with the way I’m getting things done. Good luck and soft hugs.

  2. Sorry I haven’t been around in so long. Life has been going crazy here. But on to your life…..I to have to have a plan. If I don’t it makes things worse. I can always deal if I have a plan, even it I know I may have to revise it at any time. I know this life isn’t what we expected….I just keep changing those expectations, or try not to have so many. I know you are in a different country than I am. Here we have a lot of universities that offer on-line courses. You study at your own rate mostly. Sometimes for certain degrees you may have to have certain classes in person, like if you were going to be a teacher, you would have to have your semester teaching in person…..ect. This is very popular now. If you can study and do course work at all, this may be just the thing for you. There are also a lot of volunteer work where you can help a lot of people and learn a lot too. I don’t know how to find out about things like that in your country. sorry.
    You may want to volunteer some to see what you feel you are able to do. Some work is completely on line and at your pace. Some are in person, but you put in the hours you feel you can. I know you want to help people and you can, but that doesn’t always mean one on one with people. You can help with funding for projects, creating marketing, advertising, artwork….ect. You could do some phone help line work. You may have to dip your hands in a few things to see what you can tolerate. See what gives you the least amount of stress so perhaps you won’t get as many flares. Just little thoughts. Now if I read these, way back when, my first thought would have been…..yeah right, like I have the support and funds for this and I have no idea how to do any of this….just know the spirit in which is it offered. Thoughts flying from my fingers…hoping to help a little. w

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